Miss(ed) Conception:

An Emotional Day

2012-02-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

It started Thursday.

We were out of town for the busy week. It was very little at first but...there was blood.

Fresh, new pink blood.

At first, I was a little shocked but I let it go. Some women bleed during pregnancy. I wasn't cramping and it wasn't consistent...yet.

It continued throughout the day but was still pretty mild.

Friday morning (the day of the hubs' graduation,) there was nothing mild about it. It was red, blood red! I sobbed. Movie-type bawling.

I knew what was happening but I hoped I was wrong.

As the day progressed, it got worse, much worse. Then the cramps came. I could barely stand up straight. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I don't know if it was the horror of what was happening that made me feel sick or the pregnancy hormones still swimming through my body. By the afternoon, there were clots. I was certain.

I called the RE's office. He told me to continue all my meds, rest, no walking, no heavy lifting and he'd see me tomorrow.

I lost it! I couldn't hold back the tears. My mom held me and cried with me. I texted the besty and told her it was the beginning of the end and I didn't think I could do this again. It hurt. In my stomach and my heart. I texted the hubs to let him know as well. I told him I was sorry. Sorry I was doing this to him again.

By the end of the day, I had come to terms with it. It was happening. I asked for prayers but I was just praying for peace at that point. I was mentally trying to figure out when we'd go to the ER for the D&C since Saturday was the hubs' graduation party.

The graduation came and went (I'll post more about that in another post.) People kept asking me if I felt okay. I didn't. I felt physically ill and heart-sick.

We decided to head home that night. We drove an hour and a half at 10pm. At some point during that car ride of tears I started begging God for a miracle. If He can part the Red Sea and turn water into wine, he could easily save our baby.

Saturday was our ultrasound. Silent tears of fear streamed down my face during the 30 minute car ride to the RE.

I fought the tears while I waited in the waiting room. The nurse asked me if I was okay. Nope.

I didn't even look at the monitor during the ultrasound. I couldn't.

Then...he said it.

"There's a heartbeat."

There is? (said through tears)

"And here's the second sac."

Two? (gasp)

I cried. Tears of relief. Tears of a miracle.

One baby was measuring a day or two behind and didn't have a heartbeat yet. I was only 6 weeks along so I'm hoping it was just too early.

I'm sure I'm selfish for hoping for two heartbeats. I should just be grateful one had a heartbeat. But, I'm hoping for both.

The bleeding was caused by a subchorionic hematoma. The RE speculates that the third embryo implanted but didn't make it. The bleeding has stopped and there's a small pool of blood in the uterus that the RE says will clear up on its own. He says it will not harm the other two sacs.

Obviously, I'm beyond grateful that there is even one healthy baby in there. Two sends me over the moon!!! I'm praying that they both have nice, strong heartbeats next week. We have another ultrasound on Saturday at 7 weeks pregnant.

I'm also grateful to know that there is an explanation for the bleeding and that it stopped!

So, if you will, pray with me. Hope with me. We've already seen one miracle. Maybe Saturday we'll see the second beating miracle.

Thank you all for the Twitter love and support. Even when I didn't have any hope, you all did and I appreciate every bit of that.

What a week

2012-01-30T11:06:00.000-08:00

What a doozy that last week was...and, holy cow, what a week this is!!!

Last week literally knocked me off my feet.

Sunday, the little guy had a runny/snotty nose which eventually turned into a mild cold. He was mostly just cranky and had the nasty nose. He just loves {insert sarcasm here} the bulb syringe to get all the snot out so that was fun. On Tuesday, he decided to add vomiting to the nasty nose. That was interesting. It was really pretty uneventful (THANKFULLY!!!) We noticed him heaving and got him over the sink. He tossed his lunch, fully undigested, from six hours prior. Poor guy!

Luckily, that only lasted a day and he only had one more event. It was just as uneventful as the first and I was able to get him over the sink again. I pray that all of the vomit I encounter for the rest of his life is that easy. His tummy was off for the majority of the week. He survived mostly on bottles but would take the occasional bite of vanilla pudding, yogurt and did manage to feast on some puffs.

Wednesday afternoon I was pooped so I decided to partake in nap time. I woke up abruptly about an hour in and had to, ahem, 'use the restrooom' NOW! While I was doing that, I suddenly started to heave and had to make "the choice." Which end goes in the toilet? I was in no position to get up so I had to grab the trash can to puke in. Ugh!

The nausea was horrendous. I couldn't keep anything in. I was parched but water went straight through me. My mom got home and took over Gavin so I could go lay on my death bed. Ginger ale came right back up. I was starting to panic. I'm newly pregnant. I'm probably killing this baby. I need to get sustenance but I couldn't. No matter what I did, nothing would stay in.

The night was terrible but I manged to get sips of water in and a few pretzels. Thursday, I was just stuck with insane nausea but I could get little bits of food to stay down. It was a very long day since G was starting to feel better and I wasn't. We survived.

By Friday, we were both on the way to normalcy. We went shopping. Oh wait, that's not what you do just days after being violently ill? I had no choice.

That all brings me to this week... This week is chaos.

The hubs graduates from the 20 week fire academy he has been rocking!!! Wednesday night I am going with him to a dinner (without G, this will be the first night I have ever been away from him overnight.) Thursday is family night. Friday is the graduation. Saturday is his graduation party. All of these events are two hours away (except that grad party, that's at our house.)

I had to go shopping to get clothes for all these events so that I can attempt to look fairly human and maybe even nice.

I'm also making this cake for the grad party...

Photo and cake by Heather

No, I've never made this cake. I've only ever made one sculpted cake and that was in cake decorating class under the supervision of a professional. I don't know what makes me think I can do this but I'm going to...or at least try!

So this week, I need to get myself presentable (do my nails, wax my brows...), bake four cakes, make a vat of frosting, clean the entire house, pack bags (we're staying in a hotel,) order food for the party, rent heaters... I'm sure there's more too! Aahhhh!!!

I can't make the cake before the party so I'm getting everything ready and I'll be putting it together at the last minute. Yep, that beauty will need to wait until the day of the party!

Oh and the day of the party is also the day of our FIRST ultrasound!!! Saturday we will find out if the precious being inside of me is alive and thriving. Please, please, please, dear Lord, let this baby have a healthy heartbeat!!!

Anyway, after all of this, I should have lots of pics to show. Wish me luck!!!

Beta #2 (FET)

2012-01-23T21:19:00.000-08:00

Beta #1 post is here (along with the link about the FET)

Today was a day!

I woke up to a very wet Monday.

Now, I get it, it's winter. It rains. But...I live in Southern California. I'm pretty sure this is only the third rain we've seen this winter. And, it happens to fall on the day I actually have to leave the house and drive 25 miles to the RE for beta #2.

I got out of the house with the kiddo earlier than I'd expected. Score!

It took me 40 minutes to get maybe 10 miles. No score! The little guy started to melt down. No socre! It was nearing nap time and he's just really not a fan of the car.

Detour. I turn the car around and called my aunt that lives a few minutes from my current location. She says G can stay with her while I fight traffic to do a five minute blood draw.

In total it took me two hours door-to-door (25 miles!) UGH!!! I passed three major traffic collisions and one car spun out directly next to me before I even got on the freeway.

All in all, I survived. G had a blast at my aunt's because she has two doggies and he's obsessed with dogs ("daw" as G says.) He waited until I got back to climb onto my lap and pass out. Poor guy was pooped.

I didn't get the call until 4:30pm (a half an hour later than I usually get the call.)

Beta #2 = 431

I was fully expecting a much higher number. At least a number high than beta #2 with Gavin. I think the similar numbers mean that we're probably looking at one baby in there and we'll find out for sure in 12 days.

Our first ultrasound is February 4th!!!

Beta Day (FET)

2012-01-22T14:59:00.000-08:00

That's the best title I can come up with right now. Its straight-forward and to the point.

Yesterday was beta day for FET.

This is how the day progressed...

First, I did this...

Then, I did this...

After that, I did this!

Gavin says: "Say whaaaaaaat?!?!"
(Sorry for the crappy quality. He wasn't really feeling photogenic and it was early)

The, I went to the doctor's office for blood work.

While I was there, we also did this...

It was positive there too!

Seven hours later I received "the" call.

Beta = 168!!!

Flashback to July 2010...

My first beta with Gavin was 143

My second beta, two days later, was 442

I feel like 168 is a good place to start. I'll be heading back to the doctor for beta #2 tomorrow morning. Stay tuned...

Ding, ding, ding!!!

2012-01-20T14:39:00.000-08:00

We have a winner!!!

In one of my recent posts, I discuss our diaper pail conundrum. We were on our third diaper pail in ten months trying to find one that can actually contain the stench my son makes.

Well...we did it!!! We found the "magic" pail that holds all the nastiness!

The Munchkin Arm and Hammer Diaper Pail did the trick! And this was the perfect week to give this pail the test run. G's tried some new foods (lima beans, tomatoes...) and we had two blowouts and numerous, ridiculously, horribly, absurdly wretched diapers go into that pail.

(I was totally off on how I thought the pail worked. I thought it made "diaper sausage" encapsulating each diaper while sprinkling baking soda into each cocoon. Well, what really happens is, you open the lid, the top of the bag in twisted. You push the diaper through the opening and when you close the lid it re-twists the bag. The next time you open the lid, there is no stench because the offending diapers are deep in the bag and that opening of the bag is twisted. Hard to put into words but the important part is that it holds the icky, doody stink!)

And, the baking soda container is refillable. Woot, woot for not having to buy some special refill.

Also, changing out the bag was by far the easiest yet. I guess there's something to be said for pail specific bags. The top of the bag comes out of the its holder, bends in half and snaps together kind of a like a zip-top bag. Then you push the top through the lid and pull the bag out.

Full bag waiting for the hubs to take it to the trash

So, WAH HOOOOOO for finally finding a diaper pail that I love!!! I highly recommend it!

*Again, the opinion above is mine. I was not asked, nor compensated, for that opinion.*

Ugh...the hormones!

2012-01-17T10:06:00.000-08:00

It’s pretty obvious that I’mbeing loaded full of hormones because the tears just keep coming!

First, the besty’s impendingmove is killing me. She was with me for my FET bed rest but had to leave earlybecause her kiddos got a stomach bug. We had a whole weekend planned where myhubs would be home and her hubs would come out our way and we’d all have a nice“family” weekend – the last weekend we would all be together. Well, she had totake care of her sickies (which ended up spreading throughout their entirehousehold. Ick!) I was going to go to their house for the week but I’m toonervous. I most definitely don’t want to risk me or G getting sick. I’m prettysure the stomach flu is not good for a potentially pregnant woman. Anyway, thiswas my last chance. Next week the major packing begins, her mother is flyingout and in just three short weeks, they hit the road. Now, don’t get me wrong,I am still very happy for all the amazing things that will be going on in theirlives BUT it still sucks!!! Sucks big, huge, sweaty bawls!

Then, I read the most heart-wrenchingstory yesterday. I’m going to link up to it but only because I know the familyneeds some prayers. But I warn you, if you’re feeling exceptionally emotional DO NOT read thisstory. I wish I had known. He had a horrible disease that ultimately took hislife. Basically his mommy couldn’t love on him and hug on him like most mommiesget to. It just tore me to pieces. I can’t imagine not being able to kiss Gavinwhenever I want or squeeze his chubby little thighs. It just breaks my heart. Idon’t take my family’s health for granted. If I did before, I certainly don’tafter reading about Tripp. He went to a better place last week. A place wherehe can be snuggled all the time and he’s no longer in pain. I held Gavin a littlelonger last night before I put him to bed as tears streamed down my cheeks.

I’ve also been going throughpics for G’s first birthday slide show. Ugh! How is he already turning one!?!? Iam so happy that he’s growing and thriving (did I tell you he’s walking?!?Walking at 10 months!!!) but I just want him to stay my baby forever. He’sstarting to show more of his independence and squirming away from me whenthere’s something more interesting to see. I try not to get frustrated when he justwants me to carry him. My days of carrying him are numbered. I knew he wasgoing to grow up, I just didn’t know it was going to happen so soon.

Yesterday… I tested. Yep, fivedays before beta. After my fresh cycle IVF (with Gavin) I was able to get theslightest, faintest second line five days before beta. Yesterday…there was mostdefinitely, nothing. Nada! I’m not sure if the timing is different for frozentransfers. I’m trying not to getting to caught up in it but UGH!!! There is avery good chance that this might not work. I’m pretty good at staying positivewith my words (‘when’ this works, not ‘if’) but this was just a big smack intoreality.

So, all of this is happening atonce. I’m an emotional, hormonal, blubbering mess of a fool. Pardon the tear stained post.

Three!

2012-01-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's the number of embryos we transferred on Tuesday but that's not what I'm talking about (today.)
Three is the number of diaper pails we've gone through in the past 10 months!

Three, THREE, 1, 2, 3...Uno, dos, TRES!!! Three!

I'm hoping 'third time's a charm' and this will also be the last pail I purchase.

We started with the Diaper Champ $34.99.

I liked that I didn't need to stuff a dirty diaper into this contraption. I just flipped the handle, placed the diaper in the hole and flipped the handle again. Away goes the diaper! It's ease is awesome! A - ease! Also, I loved that I didn't need to buy special bags. I bought cheap, small trash bags and they worked perfectly. A - not having to buy special bags. The downfall: IT STINKS!!! Every time I flip that handle to reveal the hole to place the new, dirty diaper in, the pail lets out this horrible stench of nastiness! It hits you like a ton of bricks! Wooooof! (That's the sounds of the stink wafting out!) Now as much as I think my child is perfect, his poop does smell. It's poop so I expect the pail of poop to stink to some degree but not to the point that his room starts to smell like an outhouse. No thanks! F - smell containing!

Next, the Diaper Decor $39.99.

Jenny H (who has an adorable little boy the same age as Gavin) saw me comment on another blog about the stench of the Diaper Champ. She stopped by my blog to tell me that, not only do we have similar stories but, she loves her Diaper Decor. I'm pretty sure I looked it up that day and decided I needed it! It's really pretty, a mature diaper pail, if you will! A - fanciness! I waited and asked for it for Christmas (yeah, I asked for a poopy diaper receptacle for Christmas!) I've been using it since the day after Christmas and I have the same issues. It wreaks!!! I was willing to get past the fact that I needed to use special bags (the kind that is just one long tube of bag and you tie the end) if it was going to contain the stench. Nope! F - stink holding! Diaper pail fail number 2.

Yesterday, I bought the Munchkin Arm & Hammer Diaper Pail $25.09.

I read a review that Vivian did and I felt like it was worth a shot. It makes sense, each diaper is contained so there less stink to waft out when you open the container to put in the newest diaper. A - making sense! Also, there's a little baking soda dispenser that sprinkles in after each diaper. I'm over the "I don't want to have to buy special bags for my diaper pail" issue, I just want the pail to hold the majority of the stink so I don't get knocked out each time I toss a diaper into the pail. This pail creates what I call a 'diaper sausage.' I put a diaper in and when you close the container, the lid spins the bag so it seals said diaper in it's own little diaper capsule (also sprinkling baking soda in to help absorb odor.) Sounds pretty genius to me. The best part, this pail was purchase for only $25! A+ - great deal! There are only three diapers in the pail at the moment but I have high hopes.

The little guy had a complete poop-tastrohy this morning. He was just laying (lying?) wrong when he did his, ahem, business, and it came up the back of the diaper and found his shirt. Good morning to mommy! Anyway, I'm giving the new pail a run for it's money. If it can contain the stink of this morning's diaper I might have to buy stock in this pail!

*The opinions expressed in this post are ALL mine. I was not paid for these opionions. I mean, who would pay me to tell you all about the pails that I hated, after all. But, let's be clear, I'd gladly accept money to review diaper pails. Or any items, for that matter.*

I'm PUPO!!!

2012-01-10T18:58:00.000-08:00

Times THREE!!!!!!

Yep, all three of our remaining, precious embryos survived thaw!

Their fancy pants microscope was broken so I didn't get a pic. I'm super bummed!!!

Regardless, there are three embabies chilling in the ute this evening. This makes me smile so much that it hurts and terrifies the bejeezus out of me at the same time.

Now, enter the (modified) 2WW. Eleven days from today we'll know...

Here I go again...

2012-01-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

...on my own! (Whitesnake anyone?)

Well, I guess "on my own" isn't totally accurate, the besty willbe there! Oh, and numerous nurses and the doctor because...I'm getting pregnanttomorrow!!! (The hubs is still in the fire academy, in the home stretch. Justfour more weeks...)

Let's see, I last left you wondering if I ovulated (at the bottom of this post.)Turns out, I didn't ovulate. The RE added an 2mg of Estrace to my regimen(three orally and a third vaginally, daily.) We added three extra days to theroutine as well. This, did it!!! He wanted to see my lining at 8mm. At mycheckup on Saturday (our seven year anniversary, might I add!) mylining was 8.5-10mm!!! Woot woot!

Game on!!!

I left my appointment with a bag full of syringes and needles, a $3,100 hitto the credit card, a handful of prescriptions to fill (valium for transfer,medrol steroid, additional estrace, and progesterone in oil,) and an embryotransfer appointment for Tuesday, January 10th at 10:45am!

Off to the pharmacy...I drove the 20 minutes (I live in Cali, we doeverything by time. I have no idea how far my RE is from the pharmacy in miles)to my pharmacy. I wait 30 minutes for the scrips. I get a call from the RE'soffice. Pharmacy called her, they don't have the steriod, they'll be giving mean alternative. Hmm, I don't like that. I want whatever I had that worked formy IVF but okay, if the RE thinks it’s good enough...

Wait an additional 15 minutes, get called up to pay for scrips. They havethe valium and estrace but they're going to need to order the steroid and PIO.Umm, nope, that's not going to work. I need to start both ofthose this evening. Pharmacist offers to call around to other pharmacies to seeif anyone has it.

Wait another 10 minutes. Nope, no one has it!

Call RE in panic. Nurse is going to call in the scrips to the specialtypharmacy. Great! Except meds will cost me $80 instead of $10. Whatevs...minorprice to pay.

Now, drive the 20 minutes back toward the RE's office to the specialtypharmacy, park and take the elevator to the pharmacy. Get out of the elevatorto a completely empty space. Uh, I'm guess the pharmacy moved since I last usedit in 2008?!

Quickly google the pharmacy and find that it's just down the street. No needto pay for more parking, I'll walk. I start walking and decide to see exactlyhow far 16500 is from 17071. Umm, apparently it's a mile away. No thanks.

Return to car. Pay $1 for parking for SIX minutes. Drive a mile down thestreet. Park (found a meter with 20 minutes remaining on it, score!) Get meds.

Finally, head home.

I left the house at 7:45am and finally get home at 11:30!!! I anticipatedbeing home at 9am. HA!!!

Anyway, all of that to say, it's on! I have all my meds, started PIOinjections on Sat and the besty will be taking me to ET tomorrow morning. Mymom is taking the day off to hang out with G. I'll be on bed rest for threedays and then besty will be staying to take care of the kiddo.

Don't tell but I'm secretly really excited about bed rest. Sshhh!!! I knowI'll be miserably bored at some point but right now, I CAN'T FREAKING WAIT!!!But...that's between you and me...

Me (hopefully) years down the road, "You know, your daddy wasn't eventhere the day I became pregnant with you. Actually, neither of us were therethe day you or your brother were conceived!" Imagine our confused childtelling that story to his/her classmates.

So, think of me tomorrow. Assuming that thaw goes well, next time we chat,I'll be PUPO!!!!

Guess what I'm doing right now???

2012-01-06T14:21:00.000-08:00

I'm researching first birthday parties...for MY son!!!

This is the year we're celebrating Gavin's FIRST birthday!!! When did this happen???

Aside from being in shock about the age of our child...I'm thoroughly overwhelmed with this whole birthday party thing.

You see, I have a problem. I can't just throw together a party. I have to over-analyze, over-plan, and over-do-it, in general. No detail is pushed to the wayside. (Which usually means something won't meet my expectations and I'll end up feeling letdown.)

Because this is G's first, and only, FIRST BIRTHDAY, I want it to be just right.

Here's the problem(s)... a. I'm pooped. I think it's the hormones right now and hopefully it'll just be getting worse. b. I don't know what kind of party I want to throw. Small family gathering? Big shindig for all the friends with kids? c. I don't even know where to start. Invitations? Decorations? Location???

It's like I've never thrown a party.

I've been searching on Etsy and Pinterest for ideas and I'm finding tooooons of ideas! It's not making the task any easier.

I'm drowning in a sea of fire truck birthday ideas!!!

So, those of you that are crazy party planners like me, any input on throwing a first birthday bash?

2012 Goals

2012-01-05T11:02:00.000-08:00

I'm not a resolution girl. I just know myself better than to think I'll actually stick with something for an entire year. This year, I feel differently. Maybe it's because I have more time (now that I'm not spending 12 hours outside of the house working) and I have the motivation to be better. I need to embrace this Deanna quickly!!!

I'm choosing to call my list "goals" and not resolutions... For some reason it seems more realistic if I call them goals. I'm going to revisit this post quarterly to reevaluate and adjust.

2012 Goals:

Listen! I have habit of talking over people, especially when they're talking sooooooo slow. I start to fill in the blanks for them and "help" them finish their thoughts. I mostly do this to the hubs but I am certainly guilty of doing it all around. So this year I'm making a conscious effort to listen. So far, it's been terribly painful. It's like standing at the edge of a cliff, waaaaiiittting to fall...but...I'm giving it my all.

Budget! We're getting back on the Dave Ramsey wagon. No credit cards!!! I'm scared to death. I really don't understand the idea of not having the money to buy something NOW! I usually just charge it. Now that we're living on one income, we really need to be more mindful of where our money is going.

Clean! I want to make a chore list. Things that need to be done daily, weekly, monthly and occasionally. Right now, my job is to be a wife and a mother. The kid isn't not dead so I'm doing well with half of my job but I'm failing miserably with the housework. It regularly looks like a disaster and I need to be on that...starting now.

Get outside! I have a child. I'm sure he gets sick of looking at our four walls. I want to get outside once a week (baby steps!) and not just to run errands. I'm making it a goal to go for a walk, take G to the park, make a plan...just get outside. Period.

Go to a mommy group! I'm researching the mommy groups in my area. Now that the besty is going to be moving, I need to meet some mommy's in my area to help keep me sane. Hopefully I'll be able to find a group I like. Right now my goal is to just go to one meeting. It'd be great if I liked it and wanted to go more often but let's be realistic, I never get out of the house. Going once is a feat in itself!

So that it, my 2012 goals. At least for the first quarter of the year. Let's meet again in three months and discuss this again.

Do you have any goals for the new year?

Onto 2012

2012-01-04T10:02:00.000-08:00

I wanted to do a recap post when I started reading everyone else's but then the time escaped me and now we're nearly a week into the new year.

I just sat here for an hour reading my blog so that I can reference posts as I recap 2011.

Unfortunately, this year is full of so many emotions that reading all of it was getting me worked up.

Enduring fourth degree tearing at delivery, having a newborn, trying so hard to breastfeed and pump, mastitis, eventually quitting breastfeeding and feeling the insane guilt...all started the year off with what should've been a great start.

Reading what the first few months of parenting brought me makes me feel crazy for pursuing FET. I can't believe I want another baby!!!

Luckily, everything above passed. The exhaustion is minimal, my son is thriving without breast milk, he's walking (!!!) and napping regularly...I'm doing it!!! I'm surviving motherhood.

May through September was awesome! I started to really enjoy my son once I stopped fighting with my boobs and he started acting more human. Smiling, laughing, and recognizing me, made all the strife worth it.

August is when we found out about our miracle baby #2! We were so excited throughout September and some of October, except it all came to a crashing halt on October 15th when we learned that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. D&C ensued. That was probably the worst part of the year.

I'd like to say that all the good outweighed the bad but I feel like the bad has so many emotional ties that it's a little hard for me to say that. The highs were so high (becoming a mom, baby #2...) and the lows were SO low (breastfeeding struggles, mastitis, miscarriage...!)

Now that I'm "healing" from the loss, I'm enjoying motherhood again. G is walking!!! Walking people!!! Four days after his 10 month birthday, my son started walking! He's learning to give hugs and he's mastered waving and kisses (well, opening his mouth to accept them.) I'm loving life again and so grateful for it!

So, overall, 2011 ended on the right foot. I really feel like I'm ready for change in 2012. I'll be doing a 2012 Goals post soon.

*Currently: We're in limbo-land for FET. I had a lining check yesterday and my lining is less than we expected. Also, there was a large follicle he was watching and it might've ovulated (which would explain the lining.) He drew blood to see. I'm waiting for the call this morning to let me know if I did ov. If I did, we cancel and try again next month. If I didn't, he wants to bump everything back three days. Unfortunately, this makes it way more complicated to be on bed rest. I was going to have transfer on a Friday so the hubs could be home to watch G, besty was going to come and help out also. If I do transfer on Monday, hubs will be back at the academy and my mom will have to take time off of work to help me out. I'm hoping I really did ov and I don't have to make any decisions. We just postpone. I'm leaning towards waiting until next month regardless but it'll just be easier if my body made that decision for me.*

Christmas Thoughts - Take 2

2011-12-29T10:36:00.000-08:00

In lieu of TVT...

After letting my rant settle, I'm feeling like I need to clarify my last post.

First, I really just needed to vent my initial thoughts about Christmas. Now that I'm looking back, I might've had some unrealistic expectations.

Not everything can be all about me or my (perfect) child!

(I still am very annoyed that bro's gf's sister's family came to our family Christmas breakfast though.)

Next, I am beyond grateful that I was able to celebrate Christmas with my son. My son!!! How amazing is that?!?!

I imagine, to some of you still in the deep trenches of IF, you read my post and thought "What a spoiled brat? At least you have a child to celebrate with!!!"

And, you're right! That thought is not lost on me!

I really just needed to vent about the annoyingness and frustrations I had.

Overall, G made out like a bandit (and our living room shows it!) and the hubs and I even scored some awesome gifts...

Next year, I will make Christmas what I want it to be. This year I decided not to celebrate with just the three of us. Looking back, I wish I had. Mostly because this may (fingers crossed) be the only year that it is just the three of us!

The good news is, I'm really looking forward to Christmas next year! Never thought I'd say that. I'm going to take it easy on the gifts. Christmas isn't about the gifts anyway. I'm going to decorate and maybe (maybe!) even have a real tree. I'm going to stash all the present and bring them out Christmas eve while G sleeps. I hope to see excitement and awe on his little face when he sees all the gifts.

Next year will be different.

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that those of you that read my post got the full story and not just the rant.

*Today is my second monitoring appointment for FET. I've been on oral estrogen, twice daily, since Saturday. I think we're hoping to see my lining thickening up nicely. After the initial u/s, we'll be doing the saline u/s. Wish me luck!*

So.Long.Christmas!

2011-12-28T16:18:00.000-08:00

It's an understatement to say that I'm glad to say goodbye to Christmas! I had such high hopes for Gavin's first Christmas! By nature, I'm a scrooge. But, this year was different! I have a child and I've been waiting to celebrate Christmas with a child.

I shopped and shopped. I wrapped and wrapped. I cooked and cooked.

Then, it all went belly up and now it's done.

Christmas morning we celebrate with my family. My bother, his girlfriend and their baby (remember them?) were coming over and for some reason, the girlfriend invited her sister, sister's husband and their two-year old over too! Why would you invite people that aren't even part of our family to our FAMILY Christmas breakfast!?!?!

I wanted this Christmas to be all about Gavin! I was even willing to share it with my brother's daughter. I had visions of sitting around with G in my lap opening presents. Seeing his eyes light up at all the toys and fighting to keep the paper and bows out of his mouth.

Instead, G barely sat still (which is just the reality of a 10-month old baby.) The house was full of people, most that I didn't even want to be there. Those people were loud!!! They all showed up an hour and a half late and G could barely keep it together because he was starving. They ALL smoke and the house wreaked of cigarettes! Every gift that I opened for G, the two-year old took away from him. When G would try to get it back, the big kid would kick him and then scream! It was a cluster fuck of loud!!! The whole morning!

I never saw anyone open the presents that I put so much thought into. In the blink of an eye - it was over. All the wrapping paper strewn about. Bro, bro's girlfriend, her sister and sister's husband were all gone...outside for another cigarette break. My mom and I were left to clean up the wrapping paper tornado.

My parents (because they are the nicest people in the world) gave bro's gf's sister money in a card. When sister showed gf, gf said "See, I told you!" I can't help but think gf told sister to come to our Christmas knowing full well that my parents would give them money. It really bothered me!

The worst part...Bro proposed to gf!!! They've been having relationship troubles and he thinks that she's insecure because she's afraid he's going to leave her. So...obviously {SARCASM} the solution is to propose. Too bad bro doesn't have a job! Which means my mom gave him one of my late grandma's 1ct diamonds to put into a ring!!! No job=no money so my mom went ahead and had that diamond set into a ring and also gave him a diamond wedding band to go with the engagement ring!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

I was L.I.V.I.D!!! I'm pretty sure if you can't afford a ring, you shouldn't be proposing. And I'm certain that getting married isn't going to fix a crappy relationship. Aaaand it annoys the piss out of me that my mom helped all this happen.

I was so disappointment at our Christmas morning and I don't think I had ridiculous expectations.

Ironically, Christmas with the ILs was the better part of the day. He shared it with SIL's daughter. It was pretty uneventful.

Now, I'm feeling the lull and letdown of another Christmas. THIS is why I hate Christmas. It's all over too fast. For as much effort as you have to put into it, it should last longer than a few hours.

All I know is, next year is going to be far different. Gavin will understand presents more by then. We will have our own Christmas with him. It will be everything I want it to be because it'll just be us! Then, no mater how dumb Christmas is with my family or the hubs' family, ours will be perfect!!!

Regardless... Here are a few pics from our Christmas

"I'm the Best Present Ever"

Testing out the faux hawk for the day

Our attempt at a family pic

The hubs was quick enough with the camera to snap
this pic since this moment lasted all of 2.5 seconds

You can see how amused he is! LOL

One of the only pics we got
of G in his Xmas jams

TVT 12.22

2011-12-22T13:00:00.000-08:00

Here we go...
* Baby wash cloths are awesome!!! They're super soft and dry really fast. I started using them to wash my face and I also use them to clean up G after meals. They're almost always dry before their next use and I have a billion so I can wash them constantly and not run out.

* Sometimes I see people running and I think "They must have springs in their shoes!" because they run so effortlessly. Then sometimes I see people running and I think "Wow! They must have 20lb weights in their shoes!" because they run...well, like they have 20lb weights in their shoes. That is me! there is nothing effortless about me running. I can walk forever...running? Nope, not this girl!

* Speaking of exercise (because that's what I should be doing,) I finally got to my pre-pregnant weight and then found out I was pregnant. I took advantage of that and started to ~~enjoy life~~ eat poorly again. So, of course, I put back on some weight. Then it took me a while to get back to caring about my weight again. Then Thanksgiving came and now we're pursuing FET. I may never see anything less than 159lbs!

* I've already decided that, God willing, when this FET works, I will take better care of myself with this pregnancy. I know there's no way to prevent pre-eclampsia but I'd be willing to see if watching my diet and attempting to get more exercise may help.

* Oh...the hubs is still in the fire academy until graduation February 3rd. FET is tentatively scheduled for January 6th. This means, for an entire month, he will not be here to give me my PIO shots! This scares the living sh*t out of me! My dad or mom will have to do them because there is no way in hell I'll be doing them. Women that do their own IM shots are my heroes!!!

* I'm a present wrapping fool!!! I'm about half way done and I need to get back to that now. =)

Merry Christmas!!!

Bittersweet

2011-12-20T15:32:00.000-08:00

The besty and her family are moving. Far away from me. Like 800+ miles north, far from me.

This is what's best for them. I get it. Her family is there and it's a better way of life. Less crime, cheaper living, better environment, in general... I really do understand.

Sadly, this means there will be three (four?) states between us.

We had always intended to move up north as well. We still plan to...one day. Right now, we're doing what's best for our family. The hubs finally has his dream job, we live with my awesome family and I get to stay home with our little man. Being here, right now, is best for us.

Just like moving there, right now, is best for them. But...it sucks!!!

This is something they've been talking about for the past 3+ years. I knew it was coming. Every year I get all worked up, break down, and then the timing isn't right and they don't end up moving. This time, I opted to wait it out. This week, besty's hubs got a call that the job he had been pursuing, hired him! This is awesome for them but means that this is really happening.

Part of me is ready. I'm sick of talking about it every year and getting all worked up. I'm ready to find our new normal. I'm ready to see how we'll be able to make a long distance friendship work. It won't be easy, and there will be lots of tears, but we WILL make it work.

I mostly worried that she'll create a new life without me...and she won't have a space for me anymore. I know, I sound like a child. She has two sisters up north and her mom (that she's super close with.) She'll have built-in shopping buddies, pedicures buddies, chat buddies, TV buddies... Will she even miss me?!?

Worse than that, I'll miss the neph's (her two boys) more than I can put into words.

We'll make it work. There's going to be some growing pains but I know that the kind of friendship we have is rare. I will cherish it no matter how many miles separate us.

FET Fears

2011-12-19T15:44:00.000-08:00

I might be having second thoughts about our upcoming FET. As of now, it's all still in the works but I'm wondering if I'm rushing it.

*Disclaimer: We're probably going through with the FET regardless of how much this post may weigh in the opposite direction. Please be sensitive to that in your comments. I want to hear your opinions but I just want you to be sensitive. Thanks!*

Mostly, I'm scared. I'm scared to have another baby (or two more babies!) I'm scared that I won't be able to handle parenting another child. I'm already scared to death that I'm ruining Gavin on a daily basis. I'm scared that it won't work. I'm scared that it will work and I'll miscarry. I'm scared of being pregnant while having a small child. I'm scared!!!

Most of the time I just need to write it all out. It may not solve the problem (aka calm the voices in my head) but it helps...somehow.

Reasons I want to do the FET now (in no particular order):

I'd rather put the $650 embryo storage fees towards the actual FET costs
I really want G to have a sibling close in age
I feel like I'm running out of childbearing years
I worry that I will actually get pregnant naturally again and we'll never want to use our frozen embabies. I will not have them destroyed!
I should be pregnant now!!! (I'm pretty sure this is the main reason for wanting to do the FET now)
SIL is going to start TTC #2 soon and I know it'll kill me to see her pregnant

Reasons I'm scared to do the FET now:

One child is plenty of work!
I'm scared to death of that newborn stage (not to mention, D.E.L.I.V.E.R.Y.) again
I finally have G on such an awesome schedule, do I really really want to upset the peace (Funny, I had this same thought about TTC #1, I was worried a baby would upset the balance in our marriage)
We really don't have space for another baby
Will G feel neglected with a new baby in the house? (The thought of this is almost enough reason to cancel right now)

So, that's what's on my mind tonight. Go ahead, weigh in... Are these just the usual fears that people have about any major decision? Am I really rushing things? Do I makes sense???

Out of the Closet...

2011-12-16T09:56:00.000-08:00

Again!

Way back when we started our IVF, I came out of the bloggy closet. I posted a pic of me and the hubs so that you could put a face with my name as I asked for support.

This time, I fessed up to the besty that I have a blog. It was something that I had been thinking about since I started this blog. The besty and I are ridiculously close. We have the sort of relationship that many people envy. I am so blessed to have this friendship.

Unfortunately, she hasn't struggled with infertility. I started this blog because I wanted to vent about my feelings throughout our journey and I honestly just didn't want to bog down anyone IRL with my ~~not always~~ rational emotions. She's always done her best to relate and she's done well. But sometimes things just suck and I want to put it out there as raw as I feel and hear from people who aren't going to worry about my well-being.

I think if she knew all of the raw emotions that I wrote about as they were happening, she would've worried about me constantly. I didn't want that.

So, I wrote...here.

I finally convinced her to start blogging again. I slowly started sending her links to some of my favorite mommy blogs. Finally, I decided that if she was going to be looking at blogs I frequent, she's going to find me.

I wanted her to hear it from me. I told her.

She was very angry. She was sad that I had this "separate life" from her. I understand. I'd feel the same way.

But...this isn't about that. This about me finding a way to cope. I don't apologize for having my blog and I don't apologize for having the feelings I wrote about. I do apologize for not telling her sooner. My fear was that I wouldn't be able to write as freely as I did if I knew someone IRL was reading.

We don't talk about my blog now. I never directed her to it and I don't know if I will. There's always a chance she's found it and secretly reading, which is fine.

I feel bad that I jeopardized our great relationship by having a "secret" but I needed to write openly and I really don't know how I would've survived otherwise.

TVT 12.15

2011-12-15T10:55:00.000-08:00

My second time for TVT. I just had so much fun last time...

* I knew that I'd lose some hair after I had the baby. Fine. Whatever. But, now it's growing back. It's ridiculous. There is 2" long hair sticking straight up from the top of my head. Look...

I covered up my face (obviously.)
Not for anonymity but because it was the
worst possible pic of me! Honestly...THE worst!

Focus...do you see the hairs standing straight off of my head?! No amount of hairspray or hair putty has been able to tame them. It's only temporary, right?!

* I LOVE Gil.more Girls! I record all the reruns and watch them during naptime!

* I cannot get a grip on Christmas. It's coming so quickly and I have SO much to do! I'm just about done with the shopping but now I have to get the supplies to wrap everything. And I still haven't finished my annual letter that goes with the Christmas card. Which means that I still haven't mailed out the cards.

* I have a bagillion (seriously, I counted) things to return. Mostly crap that I don't need from Black Friday sales. I have six stores to return the stuff too.

* Have I mentioned that I will never go Black Friday shopping again?! Nope. Won't do it. I went from midnight until 4:30am. I was exhausted and didn't even finish much of my shopping because I can't focus that tired. Then, most of the deals I was after were available online anyway.

* Did you know that there are FOUR (4!!!) different kinds of vanilla ice cream at the grocery store??!?! Vanilla, French Vanilla, Double Vanilla and Vanilla Bean! I had no idea. I got the Vanilla Bean but I was lost. I like it but now I feel like I should try the other vanilla options just in case there's a better choice.

* I have a sick little boy in my presence. =( He seems to be acting like his normal self with bouts of crankiness but he has an icky cough. I took him to the doctor but it's just a virus so we're waiting it out. Poor guy!

* My IL's are giving the hubs a cruise for his fire academy graduation (she works for a cruise line and gets insane discounts.) Normally, I wouldn't be complaining about this but we can't go on a cruise! I really don't see wanting to leave G for a week, by the time he graduates I will hopefully be pregnant and the hubs won't be able to schedule vacation time for a loooong time. We'll have to hope that a cruise falls during one of his 8-day off periods. Anyway, I'd WAY rather have the money! Then again...if the FET fails, I may really want this vacation!

Okay...that's all the vomit for now. I need to get to working on that Christmas letter.

FET Plans

2011-12-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

The hubs and I have casually been discussing using our frozen embryos. You know...if I don't miraculously get pregnant again naturally =(.

Then, this past week I got a bill for $650 to store them for another year.

I can't see the point in spending $650 when we are talking about using the embryos for a FET in two-ish months. I'd rather put that money towards the $4000 for the actual transfer (I talked about the FET costs here.)

So we looked over the numbers. I got a hilarious email from the hubs (he's gone during the week so he did his 'research' and emailed me) that started out with "Attached is a spread sheet..." LOL! The important bit was that we're going to pursue the FET with my next cycle. (The email ended with "Review my proposal...." He's hilarious!)

I called the RE's office yesterday to discuss the plan.

* I'll call them on CD1 (should be 12/21)
* We'll schedule a SHG for CD3 (12/23)

That's all I know for now. The bottom line is I'll be PUPO in the new year!!!

I have many thoughts swarming my head right now.

This cycle could be a horrible letdown. There's a chance the embies won't survive thaw. We only have three embryos. We will thaw all of them. This is the last shot with this IVF's cycle's bounty.

I don't know that we'll ever have the kind of money required for IVF again, now that I'm not working.

And then, there's always a chance that whatever embies we transfer won't implant and I won't see the two lines. I think, in the back of my mind, I'm assuming this cycle will end in a pregnancy since I got pregnant with IVF #1. I know the reality, unfortunately.

Or, even worse...I could see the two lines, experience the elation and then have the baby torn from my womb. I don't know that I could endure another miscarriage. Ugh! The thought makes me sick.

I guess I just need to do my best to stay positive. You know, because that's so easy!

Thought Vomit Thursday 12.8

2011-12-06T22:06:00.001-08:00

I keep thinking that I'll update everyone when I actually have something fun/interesting/exciting to write about.
Well, it's been a month and a half. It's safe to say that there's not much fun/interesting/exciting things happening in my life. LOL So, I figure I just need to vomit it all out to catch you up (and we know how much I love a bullet-ed list anyway.)

* Being a parent is hard. I wonder if I'm the only one that feels that way because I'm just no good at this job or if the rest of the mommies out there just don't let on that it's hard for them too. I've been known to meltdown at least once a week.

* My most recent meltdown occurred when Gavin decided to wake up at 5am for no good reason. He was W I D E awake. Me? Not so much. He usually sleeps until 8 so I was not amused. It messed up his schedule for the entire day which meant he was not the most charming little boy. It was a long day...

* The hubs is more than half way done with the fire academy. Praise God!!! I can nearly see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't wait to be a co-parent once again.

* I'm obsessed with this stroller.

We were buying a jogging stroller when the Bri.tax lady was teaching the Bab.ies R Us staff about this stroller. It is super compact and folds soooo easy! I was sold....it just wasn't what we were looking for at the moment. Now, I need to sell our current travel systems so I can buy this stroller. Then I'll need to venture out of the house to use it. Anyone have this stroller (B-Agi.le) or the B-Ready???

* We're back to TTC again after the miscarriage (HATE that word.) I had a saline u/s to make sure everything looks good after child labor and the D&C. Everything was good and we're back on the wagon. Of course, it's CD16 and I'm ov'ing. It's Wednesday! The hubs won't be home until Friday. Any chance the "deposit" made (eewww!) Sunday will be useful?! Yeah, I didn't think so.

* I don't understand why everyone is so upset that the Dug.gars are having another baby. I know as an infertile I'm irritated that someone gets to have 20 kids and so many are struggling to get one. But, they support their own children. My tax dollars are not paying for their herd. People get bent that they have their older children help with the younger ones, it's not necessarily how I'd raise my kids but to each their own. That said, I hope they're having a boy this time around. And can they please stop putting the fake pig tails on that poor little girl!!!

* I ordered my Christmas cards from Sa.m's Club this year. I'm usually a Shutt.erfly or Sna.pfish fan but they were going to cost me $80 for all my cards. I was able to get 125 6x8 cards (larger than either website) for only $30!!! And they print while I shop! Woot woot!!!

* Because I'm a bit of a moron...I ordered the above cards, then got home and realized I never typed a message. They're blank. Just a bunch of pics on the card. Ugh! I have to reorder them now. Dumb!

Okay...I think that's enough vomiting for now. I'll post some adorable pics from Thanksgiving =)

"Mommy's Little Turkey"

Our shirts say "Mommy/Daddy is thankful for Gavin"
Gavin's says "Everyone is thankful for me!"

Seriously...how can you not be smiling right now!

Thank you!!!

2011-10-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

The comments on my last post and the comments I've been getting on Twitter are overwhelming. Thank you all so much, from the bottom of my aching heart, for the love, support, encouragement and prayers you've been offering.

I can't believe so many in this community have suffered miscarriages. It is heart wrenching to know I'm not alone. This is probably one of the most painful experiences in my life.

I was advised to go into the ER on Monday for an exam since the bleeding and cramping were in full force. I'm so glad I went in. They were able to perform the D&C that evening. Although the miscarriage was already happening naturally, I was horrified at the thought of actually experiencing it. Every trip to the restroom over the weekend was torture. Seeing the blood was just a reminder of what was happening. I ~~cried~~ sobbed with every trip. As hard as it was, I'm glad that "it's" over.

The surgery was relatively painless. The most uncomfortable part was the breathing tube and the sore throat that came with that. My bleeding and cramping have been very minor. I'm physically feeling nearly back to normal.

Emotionally...I go back and forth. It certainly helps that I have a perfect almost 8 month old baby staring at my with his chubby cheeks and two little teefers! I get up in the mornings because of him!!!

Then, there are the times when I see the "I'm going to be a big brother" onesie that I bought him, and the overwhelming emotions come rushing back.

I feel so naive for thinking it could have been this easy. I was already calculating how far along I'd be at Christmas, the hubs' fire academy graduation, Gavin's first birthday... I feel so stupid! And now...I have hope! I actually am left with the feeling that this could happen again. The doctor said we could start trying again as soon as I see AF (in roughly 4-6 weeks.) Am I just gullible?! Could I really get naturally pregnant again? I suppose there's only one way to find out.

For now, I'll continue to work on healing, physically and emotionally...and praying for all of those that have also suffered this horrible outcome and those that will suffer after me.

Today

2011-10-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Today I learned that the miracle baby I've been carrying for nine weeks no longer has a heartbeat.

Today I understand the pain and heartache so many other survivors have felt.

My heart breaks for everyone who has endured this torture in the past and for everyone after me.

I am at the beginning of the end of this journey. Mild cramping a light bleeding have already started.

The worst part, I'm still pregnant. My tiny baby bump ( which seems exaggerated) still carries a baby...a dead baby.

Devastated doesn't even begin to describe it.

Umm...wow!?

2011-10-02T16:48:00.000-07:00

I’ve been keeping a secret. At first I was waiting until I had more information to tell you, then I was just waiting for time to post, eventually I realized I was waiting to find the right words.

Here it goes.

LOL! I guess I'm a year behind. It should say 9/15/11!

Here’s how that came about… AF was late but that was no surprise because I haven’t been regular since having the baby. Since my cycles haven’t been regular I haven’t been able to track ovulation. We’ve just been going with it and enjoying “time” when we want to rather than when the calendar tells us to (imagine that!)

The hubs and I have been enjoying a glass of wine with dinner almost every night. I ordered some cheapo pregnancy tests online (you know, just in case) and when they got here last Thursday, he told me to test. I agreed so I could have my nightly wine! It was the first time I’d tested and knew it would be negative and was okay with that. I remember thinking to myself “watch, this will be the first time it’s actually positive!” Imagine my shock when it was! No seriously…SHOCK!!! I immediately took a second test. Same result. Holy sh!t!!!

I hand them to the hubs and he says “I don’t know what that means. I don’t know how to read those.” LMAO!

Fast forward, send the hubs down to the store for “real tests” (aka the expensive ones!) They had the same result…

We had our first ultrasound September 22^nd. Based on my LMP (8/7) I should’ve been 6w4d. Unfortunately, the ultrasound showed a tiny dot with no heartbeat. RE said that he thought I just ovulated late and I wasn’t far enough along for a heartbeat. I was measuring roughly 5 ½ weeks along so I had to wait a week and a half for another ultrasound.

I prayed (and had many others praying with me) that I did just ovulate late and there would be a heartbeat.

We had our second ultrasound Saturday and my fears were put to rest…a heartbeat! 100bpm measuring 6w4d. So based on that, I ovulated about nine days late (cd23.) We'll have another u/s in two weeks to check up on everything before I'll see my regular ob/gyn.

Infertility led us down the IUI/IVF path and brought us our perfect angel, Gavin this year.

But a miracle has brought us this sweet baby blob…

As you can imagine, we are ecstatic! I'm still in shock!!!

Breaking News!!!

2011-09-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, well maybe not. But...it's breaking news in my little world.

"Baby Wise" SUCKS!!! Yep, I said it.

*Disclaimer: This is just my opinion. I think it sucks for me and my baby.*

If you haven't read the book, I'm referring to the "eat, play, sleep" routine. The idea is that you get your baby on a schedule where they eat, then play and then nap. I've been loosely following this idea for the past 6+ months.

Gavin eats, stays awake for 1.5-2 hours and then is exhausted and wants a nap. The problem? He's tired just before it's time to eat again. I put him down for a nap, he wakes up right at his next feeding. I was getting 30-45 minute naps a few times a day.

This past weekend the bestie was here. I was expressing my frustrations with G's new "nighttime naps" and lack of daytime naps with substance (aka "me time.") We realized what I wrote in the paragraph above. As soon as she brought it to my attention, a light bulb went off. It's so obvious (just like, a few weeks ago I tweeted for suggestions on a miracle lotion for my hands because they're ridiculously dry from all the bottle washing. @thisispersonal commented that I should wear dish gloves. OMG!!! Obviously! Dish gloves have solved my dry hand issues!) If I go to bed hungry, I won't sleep as well but I am usually half asleep when I have a full belly.

The bestie wrote down the schedule she's used for her two boys. The idea is that I "top him off" with a small bottle before naps which means he's not exactly eating every three hours.

After a full day on that new schedule, I have a new child!!! Yesterday, he took TWO 1.5 hr naps!!! TWO!!! This hasn't solved the problem with him waking up in the middle of the night...yet. I think once he gets used to the new routine, he'll be more confident to sleep through the night. Fingers crossed at least. (I'm more than happy to share his new schedule if anyone is interested.)

In other breaking news (again, in my little world,) I have an idea why new moms/SAHMs wear sweatpants and stretch pants.

*Disclaimer: I know that it is just a stereotype. I'm not saying that all new moms and stay-at-home-moms wear sweatpants and stretch pants. But...this stay-at-home, new mom does!*

If I'm not just wearing my PJs all day, I'm usually in, what I like to call, comfies. They're usually yoga pants, sweat pant material shorts or just loose cotton capris.

Let me tell you why...

I've been on a diet since G was six weeks old. I am now under (WOOT! WOOT!!!) my pre-pregnancy weight. Unfortunately, I am still not fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes. What the heck?!?!

It appears that my hips and a$$ did not get the memo! Everything has remained prepared for another baby (you know...W I D E!) Hence, (yeah...hence!) the comfy bottoms. Stretchy and cotton is forgiving and comfortable. I'm not stuck with constant wedgies and a horrible muffin top!

But -- I'm certainly not laying around all day in my sweatpants, eating bon bons, watching Oprah!

And the award goes to...

2011-09-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

Me!

For “Worst Blogger EVER!!!”

I really just can’t get it together. I suck! And it’s apparent that many of you in blogland agree because I lost six followers since my last post. I can’t blame them for going…but it still sucks!

So, since my brain is a constant fog, this is one of those bullet-ed posts to get you all caught up. I feel like once everyone is caught up, it's easier for me to keep it that way. But, I always manage to get behind anyway =(

*1* G went on his first vacation! Camping/Road trip to Utah. Now, when I mention camping, most think tent, bugs and heat. Well, when I talk about camping this is what I actually mean…

Us...Zion Nat'l Forest

Yeah, I know, I can hardly call it camping. We went with my parents and the hubs met us there. It was fun but it was nice to be home and get back to our usual routine.

*2* Gavin turned SIX MONTHS!!!Who let me sweet baby turn into a kid?!?! No seriously! He's huge and he wants to do what HE wants to do...like a kid!!! When he doesn't want to go in his car seat, he arches his back so you can't get him in. He has also mastered clamping his mouth shut if he doesn't want the food I have to offer. He can't handle being still. He's usually kicking his chubby little legs or jumping/dancing (looks like River Dance to me) when I have him standing. He's sitting up all by himself and rolls from front to back and back to front with ease although he doesn't seem to have much desire to crawl. He much prefers to hang out in his "jump, jump."

Playing in his "jump, jump"
that I made into a "fort"

*3* Mommy blog I've come to the conclusion that I don't blog often because I don't know what to write. I'm in limbo. Infertile with a baby. Oxymoron? So...I'm officially turning the corner as a "Mommy Blogger." I have a baby (although quickly turning into a big boy) so that's what the majority of my posts are (or would be) about. As much as I'd hate to lose followers, I know that it's hard to read blogs about ladies on the flip side of infertility. If you need to unfollow, I understand (but it'll make me sad.)

*4* My husband has been trying to get hired as a firefighter for the past 4.5 years. He's applied to departments in California and also all the neighboring states. Last month, the hubs was offered a position!!! It's in a county North of us so we'll still be able to

keep our current living arrangement and I was able to resign from my job!!! I'm officially a full-time mommy and wife of a firefighter!!! I'm so proud of him!!!

*5* In lieu of the above, I'm facing life as a single mom...temporarily. The hubs will be starting the academy at the end of this month. It's a four month academy, an hour and a half away. In order for him to focus and not lose sleep commuting (or lose sleep hearing a certain 6+ month old wake every three hours for a bottle,) he is renting a room with two other guys that are in the academy also. The house is just a couple of miles from the academy. The plan is that he'll be home on the weekends but we'll see. I just imagine he'll be so exhausted that he'll just want to rest. This leaves me and the G-man home alone, 24-hours a day for at least five days a week. Don't feel too bad for me. We live in an apartment above my parent's house so I will have them to give me a quick break when I think I might pull my hair our. I'm still dreading it! I'm actually a little in denial.

*6* We had our consultation for the FET. While we were there, we introduced G to "his creator" as the hubs now calls him. LOL
Here's all the info on the FET because I know some of you have to be curious about the costs. We have three frozen embryos. We have an 11-cell morula, an 8-cell compacting and a 6-cell. He told us that there's a 75% chance of a successful thaw (but he has no reason to think any of them won't survive) and he'd suggest we transfer all three (or whichever survive thaw) since there's roughly a 35% chance of pregnancy with a frozen embryo (compared to 55-60% with a fresh embryo.) He wants me to do a SHG (a sonohysterogram, or saline ultrasound, is a procedure where saline is injected into the uterus while an ultrasound is performed. It is used to look for polyps, fibroids, and other uterine abnormalities that may get in the way of fertility) prior to the FET just to make sure pregnancy and labor didn't damage the uterus. The SHG will cost $450 and the FET itself will cost $3,100 ($600 - monitoring and ultrasounds, $1,200 - embryo transfer, $700 - thawing and preparing embryos for transfer and $600 - assisted hatching.) I'd love to jump right in with my next cycle but we're leaning towards waiting until the hubs is out of the fire academy.

Awake...10 minutes after
putting him down for a nap!

*7* I haven't made much headway with the sleep issues (other than the fact that he IS actually sleeping in his crib now.) I started giving him a bottle when he stirs between midnight-1am. Now, he's started waking at 3am like clockwork for another bottle and then, guess what? He wakes at 6am for another. Aahhh!!! He's reverted back to eating every three hours at night. Seriously!?! What the heck!!! I'm wondering if he's in a growth spurt. Actually, I'm praying it's a growth spurt and it'll pass. He just had his six month shots this week. He's just cranky and restless now. Maybe it'll be better next week. I can pray, right?!

G's first night in the crib

*8* As you can see/read, G is finally in his big boy bed. At first, I couldn't see the point of him being in another room when he just woke up all the time, then I couldn't stand the thought of him being that far away. After I got over that, I just wanted to wait for his custom made bedding to get in, then I needed a milestone day to put him in his bed (I know, I'm just crazy like that.) Finally...on his six month birthday, he slept in his crib, in his very own room, for the first night. Well, as you know from the sleep issues I mentioned, he actually just takes a few "night naps" in his crib. Regardless, he's now napping and attempting sleeping through the night in his crib. I'm so proud of me! =)

*9* I might be the last person on earth who knows what Pinterest is! Seriously, what is it? I've seen quite a few Pinterest inspired posts... Suzy posted 10 on Tuesday (I'm totally getting a magazine holder for cans and using Prin.gles cans for cookies...genius!!!) and The Subfertile Frugalista posted this awesome wedding invitation ornament idea. So, I love seeing all the pins that inspire other people but I have no idea what Pinterest actually is. I'd love it if you'd enlighten me.

Peanut butter chocolate
chip BACON cookies!!!

*10* I really don't have a #10 but I feel like I should round it out. Hhmmm, oh...I know, yesterday I made peanut butter chocolate chip BACON cookies. Yep, bacon!!! Does it get any better!?! I mean those are three of my favorite foods all in one cookies. HEAVEN!!!

Seeking some mommy advice!!!

2011-09-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

I’m in the process of writing on of those bullet-ed posts to get you all caught up (with the full intention of blogging more regularly…how many times have I said that? I mean it though!!!)

But…for now…I NEED HELP!!!

My little guy wakes up in the middle of the night AAAALLLLLLLLL the time!!! He wakes up crying around midnight, he’s usually flipped from his tummy to his back (which he hates.) He’s crying but he’s not usually awake. I go in, reposition him, give him his pacifier, and pat him on the tush. He falls back asleep…for the moment. Usually after that encounter, he wakes up another 3-4 four times. I repeat the above each time until…he wins and I bring him into our bed (around 4am) where he’ll sleep until 6:30am when he gets a small bottle and falls back asleep until 7:30-8am.

His bedroom is at an optimal 70 degrees regularly. He usually wears long sleeves and footless bottoms. I cover him with a comfy blanket that usually stays in place (until he flips over.) He goes to bed at the same time every night (8pm) after his evening bottle. He usually falls asleep during his bottle, after burping, I snuggle him for a few minutes and lay him down (I am fully aware that I should be laying him down groggy so he can fall asleep on his own…that’ll come next.)

G's first nap in his big boy bed!

The bestie (a mother of a two year old and one year old) suggested that I give him a bottle when he wakes up the first time at midnight. She said that he may be hungry enough to be uncomfortable but too tired to wake up and tell me. I’m going to give this a try this week.

I’m also fully aware that I could let him cry it out but that is not something I’m ready for now. If I try everything else with no success, that will be my last resort.

So, what suggestions do you have? I’m sure there are a million things I should’ve done prior to this but I’m more interested in ideas to help him sleep soundly from here on.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2011-07-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

Becoming a mom has rocked my world in many ways.

My smiley four (!!!!) month old

The good...

I have the most perfect, adorable, wonderful baby EVER! I'm aware that I'm slightly biased but I'm okay with that. His smiles and laughs melt my heart. Sometimes I'm surprised that I don't hurt him because I hug him so ~~tight~~ much!

When I walk into the room, he lights up! His smile takes over his entire face and my heart melts...once again!

I love being home with him everyday!!! I can't imagine missing anything. Although I do feel like being home with him everyday is a gift, it is a huge sacrifice. We are not independently wealthy. We are just able to live off 1/3 of our usual income so that I can stay home.

Like father, like son

I love that Gavin looks so much like his daddy! People constantly comment that it's obvious that the hubs is his daddy because he looks so much like him. It doesn't bother me ~~much~~ one bit that he looks more like the hubs than me.

I love that having a baby has brought out a totally different side of my husband. I tell my husband that he is the "emotionless wonder." It's no surprise since he was raised by two of the least emotional/affectionate people known to man (the first time he ever saw his parents kiss was on their 30th anniversary, and it was a very boring peck on the lips, not even accompanied by a hug!) I love seeing the hubs loving on the baby and having so much pride in him. I thought I might be jealous that he'd show the baby more attention than me but it's not the case at all. I love it!!!

Chewing on his hands!
(His shirt says "Awesome Like Mommy!)

I love the smell of the baby's hands. Yes, I know that ~~probably~~ sounds creepy. He's chewing on them like crazy lately and they just smell like him. I can't really describe the smell but it's just his smell.

The bad...

I'm exhausted...all the time. I assume that I'll get used to it when I have a solid routine but in the mean time, I'm not feeling very human all the time.

Memorial Day 2011

I might have completely ruined my child already. I hold him - a lot! I hold him while I put in my contacts, brush my teeth, switch the laundry from washer to dryer... Now, he doesn't deal well with being put down. I honestly think he's bored when I put him down. He's too used to seeing what I do and I talk to him ALL the time, he's bound to be bored when I set him down. (I have very few pics of me actually holding him since I'm usually taking the pics so if I really do ruin him, there's no proof!)

I hate being away from him but I need some time for myself. I dream of going to dessert with my girlfriends once a month. When it's here, I dread going. I hate getting home when he's in bed. I fully enjoy my time away but sometimes it hurts, in the pit of my stomach, to be gone.

The ugly...

My sweet two month old
baby boy in his bassinet
where he slept until last week

I'm dreading putting him in his own bed, in his own room. Up until this week, he's been in his bassinet, literally right next to my side of the bed. When he stirs in the middle of the night, I just reach over and pat his tush. This week, I set up the pack n' play on the wall, two feet from my side of the bed. Now, when he stirs, I rarely hear him and he manages just fine (he's sleeping 8:30-5:30, eating, then sleeping 6-8ish consistently.) Nevertheless, having him down the hall, in his own room, in a big baby bed makes me cringe. We have two video monitors and a third on the way. I'm not sure which will work best so I got them all. I'll return the ones I don't like.

Nobody really talks about how rough that first six weeks after having a baby really is. I'll be the first to admit, I had it much harder than many others but I still feel that I was not adequately warned. My body ached-- head to toe-- for at least three months. My nether regions are only now just beginning to feel normal (or at least their new normal, which is plenty good considering what they endured.) My b00bs took on their own zip code, and I'm all about a huge rack, but even I was overwhelmed. And now...let's not even talk about what they look like now. Ugh!

Crappy cell phone pic of us in
the mirror. He was in the Mo.by to
help me vacuum and mop.
I told you I hold him ALL the time.

Now, my body is a hot mess. I'm down to my post-IVF weight (162 pounds down from 207 pounds at delivery) but my pre-pregnant clothes still aren't fitting. The scale says the same number but my body parts are definitely not in the same places they used to be. I honestly do not recognize the person I see in the mirror. It's very odd.

All this said, I wouldn't change one second of it. I have the most amazing gift. Gavin is everything I had hoped he'd be, and even more. Of course, having him, just makes me want more! I can't wait to be pregnant again and have another perfect baby. I can only hope to receive another blessing.

Speaking of, we made an appointment with the RE to discuss doing a FET. Not sure when we'll turn that corner but I need to know what we're up against and then decide.

Baby Food

2011-07-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

I'm nearing the point of Gavin's life when he'll start eating solids. I'd love to make some baby food myself and stockpile it before he starts eating solids. Only problem is, I don't know how to make baby food. I've looked online some but I wanted to see if there are any mommies out there with some advice.

What kinds of foods do I start with? Is it okay to use frozen veggies? Do I boil the veggies first? Do I need to add liquid to the puree??? Etc...

Any advice you can offer or websites you can refer me to would be greatly appreciated.

And yes, I am aware that I owe you a proper post. I haven't posted in way too long. I have a few saved as drafts but just haven't gotten around to finishing them. Since I'm slowly losing followers I need to post and possibly start up a seperate blog for all my mommy posts. Just something I'm pondering.

Random Fact Friday: Hidden Talent

2011-06-24T09:41:00.000-07:00

I can touch my tongue to my nose. No seriously, it's not the most appealing thing to see so I'll spare you the pic.

Do you have any hidden talents? Or Random Facts to share???

*Feel free to share your own RFF on your blog; please just reference Random Fact Friday @ Reproductive Jeans*

One year ago today... I was PUPO!!!! I can't believe it's already been a year from my IVF. It's crazy how time flies!

ICLW June 2011

2011-06-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

Happy June 2011 IComLeavWe!!!! How sad is it that the last time I participated was June 2010?!
For a little back story and miscellaneous facts about me here are the links to my two past ICLW post... September 2009 and June 2010.

I spent two years TTC our miracle baby. We originally thought that we had male factor IF issues but those proved to be false. We underwent five IUI's and we're blessed to get pregnant on IVF #1. We had a prefect baby boy in February 2011.

One year ago today, I was in ER. They retrieved 12 eggs and I started my first of nine weeks worth of PIO shots. One year ago today, this was created:

And today, we went to the four month well baby doctor appointment where our sweet boy was tortured with three shots. He is such a trooper though. Today, I hold this in my arms:

He is truly a miracle and I am so very grateful for this gift!

Lately, I've been struggling with IF brain. I have a baby but my bitter, jealous, infertile brain has not been shut off. Half dozen of my fertile friends have announced pregnancies this past few months. I am happy for them (no, really, I am) but I'll admit it, I'm jealous. And I hate that I am because I have a baby and I know so many of you are still struggling to meet your miracle and I have mine. I feel so selfish but unfortunately, that's just how I feel.

Now that that's off my chest, thanks for stopping by. I'll be sure to repay the comment!

The Fertile Friends Strike Again

2011-06-15T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yep...in the last two months I've had three (THREE!) fertile friends announce their pregnancies.

One is a year younger than me and now pregnant with her second baby. Her first isn't even a year old yet. This one doesn't sting as bad though. She lives on the east coast and I only see her twice a year. She'll be 30 this year and trust me, I'd be pregnant again if it would happen that easily (and yes, we're hoping to be one of "those couple" that just miraculously gets pregnant right away.)

The other two friends' news, stings. The first, is 36 today!!! She got pregnant after two months of TTC. She is a dear friend and I am very happy for her. Her older sister has been TTC her second baby for FIVE years so she was concerned she could have some issues too. Obviously, she doesn't. The thing that stings the most, she publicly announced it when she was 6 weeks pregnant. She just doesn't have the worries that we have. I'm envious of the peace she has with her pregnancy. The second friend is 32. She doesn't even want kids right now! She's feeling the pressure of her age (which I totally understand) but she isn't ready to give up their lifestyle to incorporate a child. Her husband feels the complete opposite. He's been ready for a baby for at least three years. She finally gave in. She was pregnant the first month. She's another one that's gone public early, this one at 8 weeks.

I'll be honest, I'm just jealous. I loooooved being pregnant and I can't wait to be pregnant again. I would just prefer that getting pregnant not require surgery!

The bottom line...I really don't understand why getting pregnant can be so easy for some and so not for others! Why was it so hard for me to have a baby and even harder for many of you?! I don't get it!!! And that makes me really angry!

And know what you might be thinking, I have a baby! I know, I know...I am beyond grateful! I never thought I'd see this chapter of my life. I wish that having a baby turned off my infertile brain. Unfortunately, it didn't. And the pregnancy announcements still hurt and that scares the crap out of me. Will I feel like this forever?

Where do I belong?

2011-06-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

Four more days left in my TTC Survival Kit giveaway!!! Take a look!

This is a post that I've been writing in my head for a very long time. I've struggled finding my place since I became pregnant (almost a year ago?!?!) I'm just now attempting to get it into a post.

IRL, 95% of my girlfriends are not infertiles (the 5% that did struggle TTC eventually conceived naturally so I still don't feel like I fit in with them.) They all have 2-4 children nicely spaced apart. Most of them are all done having children...at 30.

During my two years of TTC, I kept most of my struggles to myself. I figured my friends could be empathetic but I also knew they could be judgemental. Most of my friends are from church or my private, bible based, high school. They have very strong opinions about things they have never experienced. I don't know this for a fact but I imagine that they would say that our struggles TTC were God's way of telling us we weren't ready for children yet and there was no need to pursue ART. I don't have a problem with this thinking, to each his own, but I DO have a problem with them judging our situation without having walked in our shoes (or in similar shoes.) Before I was married, my mom had a close friend go through IVF multiple times. I remember saying that if that was me I'd just "pray harder" because its all in "God's timing." I am ashamed to admit that I said that. Thankfully I was smart enough NOT to say that to the TTC friend. Once I was wearing those shoes, I completely understood.

My fertile friends take their fertility for granted. And they can.

Now that I have a baby, I still don't fit it. They roll their eyes because I wanted a motion sensor baby monitor AND a video monitor and say "New mom..." while smirking at my other fertile mommy friends. I don't take this motherhood job lightly. I took me a long time to get here and if two ~~very expensive~~ monitors help me sleep better, don't judge.

I don't know if the pregnancy announcements from my fertile friends will ever stop stinging. I'll admit it, I'm jealous. I can't even imagine letting the doctor tell me how far along I am. It's hard for me to hear them complain about parenting. Heck yeah, its hard. Very hard but I don't feel like I'm allowed to complain because I wanted this so badly. I don't ever want to come across ungrateful.

In bloggyland, I no longer fit into the TTC infertile category either. I definitely don't want to complain about parenting to the TTC group because I have the dream. I am beyond grateful but I still need an outlet. I just don't know where it is. I also don't want to come across like I'm bragging. I know that I have a gift, the gift! And I wish that for each and every one of you still on the journey.

I'm in a transitional period. I'm not just a mommy or an infertile, I'm parenting after struggling with infertility. I'm still struggling with infertility. I don't know if we'll ever be able to give Gavin a sibling. I know that I should be content with my one miracle and I feel selfish for wanting more but its the truth.

Hopefully, I'll be finding my place, at least in bloggyland soon. Maybe I'll start a mommy blog...

Birthday Giveaway!!!

2011-05-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Today is the big 3-0!!! Happy Birthday to me!

30 on the 30th deserves something special so let's celebrate with my first ever GIVEAWAY...and a bribe for you to help me get more followers. =)

I've put together a TTC survival kit. These are just a few items I found helpful when I was TTC and now that I have a baby, I don't want you to think I've forgotten about all of those that are still on the journey to baby.

In the "kit"...we have 40 ovulation sticks, 10 pregnancy tests, a Thats 2 Darn Cute Chance Bracelet, "lucky" fertility socks to wear while you're in the stirrups, miscellaneous treats to get you through the hormonal munchies, an ice pack for those enduring injections, and The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy to help keep you positive (and it is just a hilarious book.)

Here's how to enter: (up to 5 entries can be made. Must have 1 comment per entry)

• EASIEST ENTRY: Leave a comment to this post with your email address. That's it...just your email address. (1 entry)

• Follow me!!! Leave a comment telling me you're a new follower so I can return the favor. If you're already a follower, leave me a comment telling me so (then I can make sure I'm following you as well.) (1 entry)

• Tweet: I entered @misdconception 's "Birthday Giveaway" at http://tinyurl.com/3hzlzje . Let's get her 100 followers and more! Leave me a comment that you tweeted for 1 more entry.

• Finally, receive additional entries by posting about this giveaway on your blog or Facebook. Please leave a comment for each social networking platform you share this post on. (up to 2 entries)

• Deadline to enter is Midnight PT on Monday, June 6th.

• Winner will be notified via email so if you don't leave your email address, I can't notify you.

All items were paid for by me --This is my gift to you! =)

100!!!

2011-05-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

Today marks 20 days until my 30th birthday. This year is my "golden" birthday...I'll be 30 on the 30th!!! I guess that's supposed to be the silver lining to turning 30. LOL I'm really not that bummed about turning 30. It's huge milestone. My "goal" was to be a mom by the time I turned 30, and thankfully, I accomplished it...by just three months. Heck, I'll take it!!!

In other news, I've decided that I need 100 followers. I'm working on a TTC giveaway as we speak to bribe people to follow and pimp me out. So work with me to get me 100 followers by the 30th and for my birthday, I will do a giveaway. This will be my first giveaway and I'm super excited.

Here's a picture of my miracle on my first Mother's Day.

Decked out in his Mom onesie

Me and my little man right before bedtime

White Flag

2011-05-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

I give up! I surrender! I'm done... No more pumping for me.

I can't believe I'm finally giving in. If someone would've told me breastfeeding/pumping would be as hard as it is and that I would still have such a difficult time stopping, I'd tell them they were crazy. Who would go through all I have and still want to continue!?!

In my last post, I had rented the fancy schmancy hospital grade pump and was giving it two weeks. Those two weeks ended last Friday. My supply had increased but not by much and I wasn't pumping enough to keep up with Gavin's needs. I was still supplementing at least half with formula. In addition, during those two weeks, he had a growth spurt and went from eating four ounces each bottle, to six ounces. I couldn't even keep up with the four ounces!

I finally decided I was done fighting. I was sick of trying to make this work. My child is thriving, he is at a healthy weight (12lb 13.5oz at two months) and meeting all the milestones for his age. There's no reason I should feel guilty. HA! Apparently guilt is just a part of parenthood. I prayed for it to be easier for me, I hoped that this amazing breast pump would be the answer and I wished for this to work...but it didn't.

Because I've stopped pumping, I now have some more clogged ducts. And guess what? I have mastitis AGAIN!!! It not as bad as last time, thank God! I haven't had a fever and the pain has been bearable. It only gets worse when I pump, go figure.

***Update: I went to the doctor today to get antibiotics for the mastitis before it turns into the hell it was the first time. Turns out, I don't have mastitis after all. My only symptom is puss coming out of my nipple when I pump (tmi?) I had this when I had mastitis back in March so I assumed it was the same thing even though I wasn't having the miserable fever and pain. The doctor I saw is really concerned about the puss. Apparently, puss is an early sign of breast cancer. Whoa!!! I don't actually think I have breast cancer but they're taking it very serious. I have a referral in with the surgeon. He'll probably do an ultrasound to see if he can find the culprit of the infection. Crazy that I'm finally done with the whole pumping thing and the drama continues.***

So after my initial goal of six weeks of breastfeeding/pumping, I've made it nine weeks, used two different pumps, four different sized flanges, lost at least two hours of sleep each night to pump, endured multiple clogged ducts, two rounds of mastitis (one requiring four days of IV antibiotics!), an allergic reaction to lanolin, a mild case of thrush, guilt beyond belief, 180 Fenugreek capsules, six ounces of liquid Motherlove More Milk Plus along with 80 capsules, 80 capsules of Goat's Rue, and 80 bags of Mother's Milk tea. I think I've given it my all.

I can close this chapter of motherhood, right? I shouldn't feel guilty, right?

I'll leave you with G's two month pics that I took this week... These were taken the day after his two month shots. I think he's quite a trooper.

Happy boy!

Cracks me up!!!

See one month pics at the bottom of this post.

Pumping Update

2011-04-19T13:13:00.000-07:00

Well ladies...I'm still at it. Thank God for a few gals that encouraged me to rent the Medela Symphony breast pump! AMAZING!!! My breast were thanking you too within 24 hours of using it.

When I went to rent the machine (at a local lactation store) I scheduled a lactation consultation. I just wanted to make sure I was pumping correctly and using the right size flanges, etc... Last Friday, the day after I rented the pump, I went for my consultation. The nurse cringed at the sight of my inflamed, red nipples and that was better than they had been 24 hours prior. She asked if I'd been using Lanolin. Umm, yes...constantly. She said that she was 95% sure I was allergic to it! What?!?! Holy crap! In addition, she spotted signs of a mild case of thrush. What?!?! Both of which could be causing unnecessary pain. I'm so glad I scheduled that appointment!

She had me pump and even told me that the measly ounce I'd been getting from each breast was not so bad. I told her my horrible breastfeeding/pumping woes and she applauded my efforts considering the misery I'd gone through. She was very encouraging and set me up with a plan.

I rented the machine for 2 weeks. After that, I'll make my final decision. I'm back to pumping every three hours (how do moms pump with new babies? Usually the hubs is home to help watch the baby but the last two days he's been out of town. It never fails, I get all hooked up and Gavin wakes up. Then I try to console him without bumping the pumps. Its quite a challenge) and I'm also taking more herbs. I ran out of Fenugreek but I'm planning to get more today (does Target sell them?) I'm taking Mother Love - More Milk Plus, I'd taken the drops before. I DO NOT recommend them. They taste horrible. Take the capsules. She also put me on Goat's Rue. Not sure what it is but she said the combo would benefit me. I'm using triple antibiotic ointment on my nipples now. It's equal parts polysporin (for healing,) Lotramin (to cure the thrush,) and hydrocortisone (to reduce swelling.) It's working miracles!!!

I haven't seen a huge increase in my production yet but it is slightly more. I've still got a week and a half though. I'm not holding my breath but I'm giving it all I've got.

The Art of Breastfeeding

2011-04-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

I call it an "art" because, like most other arts, not everyone is good at it. I am one of those people.

I'll admit it, I was naive. Breastfeeding is completely natural, right? So its easy, right? WRONG!!! I had no idea what to expect. I thought you'd move the baby to the breast, he'd latch on and eat (once the milk came in.) Oh man, was I wrong.

*Before I scare some readers to death (because I know I did with my birth story and I'm sorry,) I'll preface this post with this. I have a great set of fake knockers. I paid good money for them almost 10 years ago and up until recently, I haven't regretted it one bit. I say this because I think my many issues with breastfeeding come from having the implants.*

I remember hearing other woman say that they "couldn't" breastfeed after two weeks of trying and I would think that they just didn't give it enough time. I'd heard enough women talk about it being work so I knew that I'd have to give it ample time. I'd decided, before having Gavin, I'd give it 4-6 weeks before having an opinion.

In the hospital...
I was on the magnesium sulfate for almost 48 hours. During that time, I was supposed to be providing colostrum for my newborn son. I got lucky, he latched on quickly but I saw no signs that he was actually getting anything while he sucked. I tried to pump to stimulate the release of the colostrum and I got nothing. At that point, I was feeling horrible from the mag (do you remember the side effects?) that I didn't put in much effort. In my defense, the dozens of lactation consultants I saw in the hospital never mentioned that I should continue to have the baby latch on and I should also be pumping on a schedule to stimulate my production.

Once the mag was stopped, I started to produce colostrum immediately. Someone should've told me that the meds might hinder this. I was elated that my body wasn't actually failing me...again! At this point I should mention that the hospital is pro demand feeding (and very anti-formula.) You look for hunger cues from your baby and let them determine when they'd like to be fed. And once again, I'll admit I was naive. I let the baby sleep until he'd tell me he was hungry. I didn't know that I was supposed to wake him after three hours if he didn't wake me. I'm ashamed to say this but the day he was circumcised, he slept a full eight hours and I didn't know to wake him and feed him. I cry as I type that. New mom fail...on day two! I feel terrible. I thought he'd been traumatized enough during the circ that he just needed to rest.

Once home...
We met with the lactation consultant the day after we got home from the hospital. Gavin had lost too much weight at that point. Born at 7lb6oz and he weighed 6lb10oz four days later. I cried!!! My poor baby was starving. At that point I was nursing every three hours and pumping right afterward. He'd only nurse for a few minutes before falling asleep and I'd pump a measly half and ounce total.

We weighed Gavin, I nursed him and we weighed him again to see how much he'd gotten. I can't even remember what he gained because it was so minute. Another new mom fail...I was feeding my baby from dry boobs. Tears! She told us to supplement with formula. Praise God! I was so happy to know that he would be getting food finally.

The nurse put me on a strict schedule. Nurse every three hours, 15-20 minutes on each side, then supplement with an ounce of formula by bottle, then pump for 15-20 minutes on each side. Holy exhaustion!!! This whole routine took about an hour and a half. I was delirious from lack of sleep and they say that lack of sleep can effect your milk production. Gee, great!

Luckily, Gavin gained enough weight by the next weigh-in. Long story short, we continued to see the lactation consultant twice a week to monitor my production and his weight. We added the SNS (Supplemental Nursing System.) It's pretty much a bottle with a tiny tube. You tape the tube to the breast and the baby sucks like he's nursing but drinks out of the bottle. It helps to further the milk production and avoid nipple confusion from the bottle. I continued with the strict schedule above and I also started numerous herbs (Mother's Milk tea, fenugreek capsules and Mother Love) to promote milk production. I was beyond tired. I was dreading the alarm going off. Gavin was a lazy nurser and he'd fall asleep at the breast quickly. His latch became lazy too. My nipples started to crack and became insanely painful. By his four week birthday, I'd decided I didn't want to nurse anymore, I was just going to pump exclusively. The first night of pumping was awesome! The hubs would feed Gavin the bottle while I pumped (I know...I have an amazingly awesome hubby!) I pumped great that night! I had bottles made in the fridge and extra! I was finally doing it.

Then it all went downhill...
The day after I'd decided to pump exclusively, I continued my pumping schedule, only my left breast wasn't ever feeling empty. It was sore but I assumed it was because of the pumping. I massaged and put hot compresses on my breast while pumping to help. I also bought mini massagers to tuck under my armpits. Those helped tons! They were soothing and also helped with letdown. That afternoon, I got the shakes. It came on so quickly. I was freezing and couldn't stop shivering. I sat directly in front of the space heater wrapped in a blanket for at least an hour and I was still freezing.

I finally peeled myself away from the heater long enough to come to room temperature so I could check my temp...103!!! I needed to go to urgent care. I felt horrible. I didn't want to leave my baby but I knew I couldn't take care of him while feeling so terrible. The hubs took baby duty and my mom drove me to the doctor. I had a temp of 103.8 when I arrived. I felt like passing out. The doctor examined my breast and determined I had mastitis. Basically, a clogged milk duct that became infected (bacteria likely passed through the crack in my nipple.) I was immediately put on on IV antibiotics and fluids. I was in triage for hours before the on-call OB/GYN at the main hospital decided she wanted to admit me. I cried (there's a lot of crying during the first few postpartum weeks!) I didn't want to be away from my baby overnight and the hubs was already texting me that he was at his wits end with a fussy baby. I went to the hospital and was able to compromise. I would go home with the IV in my arm. Ugh! Another IV!? I would have to return to the hospital for the next four days for IV antibiotics. The main treatment for mastitis is to clear the blockage by nursing. For me that meant pumping. I'd have to pump every two hours to get rid of the blockage and hopefully keep my supply up.

My supply diminished but I eventually survived. It was one of the roughest things I've endured yet.

Throughout all the breastfeeding hiccups, I battled with wanting to quit and feeling guilty for wanting to quit. I know that breast milk isn't literally liquid gold. While breast milk is nutritious, I know that formula isn't exactly poison and it is far better than is was when my mom was raising me. I still couldn't (and can't) shake the guilt.

I'm fairly certain the lack of milk is because of my implants. My breasts feel full (and have grown an absurd amount) but I never feel like they're emptied. I feel like the implants have crushed the ducts over the years. I have nerve damage from crushed nerve endings that never surfaced so it makes sense to me that milk ducts could be effected the same way. In addition, I'm pretty sure this is also the culprit for the clogged ducts. If my breast is creating milk and there is know ducting to get it out, it'll clog. Makes sense to me. Now I feel even more guilty for being so selfish and wanting larger breasts (even thought I researched my surgery and chose the method to give me the best chances of breastfeeding down the road.)

I feel like I've tried everything I can to increase my milk. When I talk to my amazing doctor he was so awesome! He told me that breastfeeding isn't for everyone and I'm not a terrible mother for giving my son formula. He encouraged me to quit pumping if that's what I wanted. I decided at that appointment I'd slowly stop pumping. I've gotten down to 3-4 times a day and am giving Gavin 25-50% breast milk in each bottle. I just can't stop pumping. I feel guilty and I don't know where my off switch is.

I'd ultimately love it if I could magically get my supply at least back to what it was before I was sick. I feel like there might be one more thing I haven't done that I can do to make it all work. I just don't know what that is...although I may have tried it already. Pumping is ultimately killing my nipples. I just have to do it too long to empty. I wish it were easier and then maybe I wouldn't want to stop.

One day I'll be sure that I want to quit and then the next day I'll feel to guilty and continue pumping. Its torture. I know its not this hard for everyone and I'm a little jealous. I'm not sure what I'm going to do from here on. It's officially past the six week mark and I'm still at it. Trying so stinkin' hard to keep at it...or turn off the guilt. I hope I'm not the only one that has it this tough.

I have an a$$gina!

2011-04-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

What's an a$$gina you ask...its what happens when your front "area" and your back "area" become one. Let me start from the beginning...

In my post , five weeks ago (!!!) I was heading to L&D for probable induction.

Final Belly Pic...
Taken around 12am,
Gavin was born at 9:29pm

The hubs got home a little after midnight, we gathered up some last minute items, showered and regrouped. We got to the hospital at 1am, Monday, 2/28. Once we were checked in, I learned I would be confined to the hospital bed. Why? Because of my preeclampsia. I had no idea I'd need to be on magnesium sulfate (to prevent seizures.) I don't know why it didn’t occur to me that I'd need to be on this evil medicine. For those of you that don't know, mag sulfate is a muscle relaxer. Some of the side effects include: muscle weakness, lack of energy, headache, nausea and vomiting, stuffy nose, blurry vision, slurred speech, and flushing…all of which I experienced. Can you imagine how hard it is to squeeze a bowling ball out of a cherry when you’re experiencing the above feelings?!?! No fun!!!

Side note: Prior to going to the hospital, I was on the fence about an epidural. I knew that I wanted the freedom to move around should labor stall. I liked the idea of being able to walk the halls, or take a warm shower, or change push positions… Anyway, once I learned that I’d be confined to bed because of the mag, I decided there was no reason not to have the epidural.

The doctor did an exam. I wasn’t dilated or effaced at all. She stripped my membranes (holy crap that was NOT fun!) and determined that I was at 2cm. They started my IV saline, the mag sulfate, penicillin (I tested positive for strep B,) and Pitocin. When the nurse put in my IV, she put in the needle and inserted the catheter and it shot out. Like, across the room. My blood pressure was so high that it shot it out. Of course, I was not amused and she was stunned. She kept saying, “I’ve never seen that happen before. Did you see that?” All while blood is pouring from my arm. I was not looking! She had to put the IV in the other arm. Luckily, round two went much better. I also opted for an IV pain medicine to take the edge off with the intention of sleeping.

At about 4am the doctor told me to get some rest. Ha! Yeah, right! The saline needed to be replaced every 6 hours, the penicillin needed to be replaced every 4 hours and the mag needed to be replaced every 2 hours. The Pitocin needed to be adjusted every 15 minutes to an hour. In addition, my blood pressure cuff went off every 15 minutes and because my BP was so high the alarm would go off almost every time. Then, I’d have to page the nurse to come reset the machine. I never did sleep.

About 7am Monday morning...no sleep!

Another doctor came back in to reassess around 8am. I was dilated 1cm (less that before!) They continued upping the Pitocin. Around noon, I was 3cm and allowed to get an epidural. The hubs wasn’t allowed in the room while they put in the epidural. I knew this was the case but I was hoping they’d make an exception. They didn’t. They did have this epidural chair that I leaned on to help relax. It took the anesthesiologist about 20 minutes (and numerous tears from me) to determine that she needed to redo it. She couldn’t get in the right spot. Apparently, I was so swollen from the preeclampsia that she was having a hard time. She commented that I was really deep because of the extra fluid. She also kept saying, “Oh, I keep hitting bone!” I didn’t know she was hitting bone (until she said it) but I knew that I was experiencing the most ridiculous pain that made me want to vomit. She had to pull out the needle/catheter and start ALL over. The second time was a success but the whole process took about an hour. It was pretty traumatic but I felt good after that, even though the contractions weren’t bad before that.

I had decided that I’d try to doze off at that point and of course that was right when my mom and dad got there. I still tried to get some rest but it wasn’t easy. Around 4pm, BFF’s hubby had gotten there (he was one of my coaches) and BFF was on her way. The doctor decided to break my water. The act of breaking the water was not bad at all. I was fully prepared for it to be as uncomfortable as the membrane stripping. This was the last moment that I was fully conscious. I wasn’t UNconscious but I really wasn’t fully there after this moment.

The first contraction after she broke my water was crazy strong. WTH! I thought that’s why I endured the epidural!? I pushed the little button to top off that epidural. Better. Until the next contraction. Luckily, they were coming pretty far apart. The next contraction was even worse. I hit the button again. The next was worse…I was maxed out on the button. I called the nurse. The epidural wasn’t working. Each contraction got significantly worse. I felt the most horrendous pain in my lower back and a burning pain in my pelvis. I couldn’t even talk it hurt so bad. I was doing those stupid Lamaze breathing techniques I learned. Although they didn’t relieve any pain they kept me from focusing on it. At this point BFF got there. I had been texting with her prior to my water being broken and we were joking. When she walked in, there was no joking. I was miserable! The nurse called the anesthesiologist.

The anesthesiologist topped off my epidural once again, which did ABSOLUTELY nothing. The doctor checked me again to see if I was progressing. In 45 minutes I went from 3cm to 7cm (somewhere in there I threw up.) At least all that pain was getting me somewhere. A while later the anesthesiologist came back and gave me a stronger medicine. She mentioned that it would only last an hour to an hour and a half because it was so strong I wouldn’t be able to push while that medicine was still in effect. I didn’t care. I just wanted some relief. But, nope, no relief in sight. What I did get was a completely dead right leg. It was 110% completely numb. The next option was to redo the epidural. I was so torn. I didn’t want to go through that again especially while experiencing the crazy contractions I was having but I was afraid that if I didn’t go with a new epidural, I’d have to endure labor and continuing to feel the pain. I was ready for another epidural. The doctor decided to check me again, just in case. I was complete. In two contractions, I went from 7cm to 10!!! It was time to push…too bad that stronger medicine was still in effect and I was stuck with the bum epidural.

They kept asking me if I felt like I needed to push. Nope. All I felt was the searing pain in my pelvis and the strongest pain ever in my lower back. They had me start pushing around 7pm. I could tell that it wasn’t effective. I couldn’t direct the push to the right spot. I realize now that the epidural was working but only in my vagina (and my right leg.) I appreciate that I couldn’t feel my vag but I really didn’t want to feel my back at that point. I pushed…and pushed…and pushed. Each push hurt worse in my back and pelvis. I dreaded each contraction because I’d have to push and the pain in my back would be worse. The baby was completely vertical and his foot was tucked under my rib. Each push that I curled up for hurt tremendously. He’d be kicking off my ribs, my back felt like it might break and my pelvis was on fire. The only relief I had was that my contractions were 3-5 minutes apart. I literally fell asleep between contractions. It was a complete out of body experience. Thank God…because I was so zoned out I never knew that I’d been pushing for two and a half HOURS!!!

At the end, a new doctor came in (I’d been through four doctors, three midwives and at least five nurses…all of which were women,) a man! I remember him introducing himself and thinking, “What’s a man doing in here? I want a woman doctor.” Of course, at that moment if he could get the baby out, I’d take him! He gave me some options. He could use a vacuum to help get the baby out, use forceps or take me in for a C-section. I voted for the C-section. I just wanted the pain to stop and I was completely exhausted. I was out voted though. Everyone in the room told me that I was too close to go for a c at that point. He suggested the forceps. I didn’t care. I just wanted the baby OUT! I was in no state to make these important decisions. With the next contraction, the forceps entered the room. I heard the clanking of the metal, I felt the pressure of him inserting them and then the most intense relief as he pulled out the baby! Aww, relief! Gavin James (finally decided on the middle name) was born at 9:29pm. He weighed 7lb 6oz and was 20 inches long.

The doctor put the baby on my belly. He was so warm. I just remember being in awe. I (or the doctor did) did it…finally! The second round of relief came when the placenta came out. Praise God that was the best feeling EVER!

Because of the forceps delivery, the NICU team had to come in to check the baby. It became an emergency situation and the doctor had to cut the umbilical cord so the team could examine the baby quick. The hubs was pretty bummed he didn’t get to cut the cord but he understood. The NICU team looked the baby over head to toe while Dr. Savior (he got the baby out after all) began the arduous task of putting me back together.

This is where the a$$gina comes into play. Have you ever seen forceps??? They’re HUGE!!! Getting them in caused some tearing to put it mildly. The reality is, my vagina and my a$$ merged. As in, met in the middle. One big hole.

Side note: My mom was in the room when I had Gavin. I didn’t originally want her in there. She’s just too emotional. I wanted people in there that would encourage me but not be too unicorns and rainbows positive. In the end, she won. She wanted to be there more than I didn’t want her to be there. She had strict instructions to maintain her cool and if she chose to look “down there” she was not allowed to make any faces. I didn’t want to read on anyone’s face what was happening down there. Well, during the process of putting me back together she made every face you can imagine. I knew the degree of tearing long before the doctor told me. On the flip side, I knew that he did a great job of putting me back together long before I could see the result.

The doctor stitched and stitched…for an hour and a half!!! I had fourth degree tearing requiring four suture kits. During this time, the NICU team gave Gavin a clean bill of health. Dr. Savior managed to get him out without leaving a mark on him. It’s common for babies to have some bruising from the forceps, Gavin had none. He was perfect!

Dr. Savior and I chatted up a storm while he sat 18 inches from my a$$gina. I told him that I usually meet someone with my face before my vagina and that I owed him dinner. He laughed and asked if I could just by him a drink. LOL! We joked the entire time. I loooooove him!!! We’re pretty sure he’s gay (not that it matters because he’s just pure awesome!) I made the change so he’s my new OB. I just saw him again Monday for my postpartum appointment. He said he delivered a baby using forceps that weekend and he thoguht of me. =) When we left, he said he’ll see me soon when I’m pregnant again (we’re not using birth control and I got the a-ok to BD although I’m scared to death.)

Finally pieced back together, I held my perfect son for the first time after midnight. I was beyond exhausted and so weak (from the intense labor and the mag sulfate.) I needed help to hold him. I was afraid I’d drop him. At this point I learned that the waiting room was full of friends and family that wanted to meet our miracle. I held Gavin, and then we quickly passed him from BFF, BFF’s hubby, my dad, and my mom. Then…the in-laws came in.

The first thing out of my MIL’s mouth when she came in the room… “Wow, you look fit to be tied!” WTF!!! Does she have any idea what I’d been doing for the past 20 hours!?!? I said some smarta$$ comment back about her not needing to be there. When she held Gavin she just criticized him the whole time. “You have such a cone head.” Uh, yeah, do ya think?! “Oh, he’s so puffy.” Well we’ve been pumped full of fluids for the past 20 hours, what do you expect. Ugh!!! Why are they such morons?! I don’t remember much else from their visit. I was dozing off the entire time. Once they left, at 2am Tuesday, the nurses wanted me to attempt to nurse the baby. I half-heartedly gave it a go but I just didn’t have it in me. I had to spend the night in L&D instead of being transferred to the postpartum unit because of the mag sulfate that I had to stay on for a full 24 hours from birth. We finally fell asleep around 3am and sort of slept (they were still coming in constantly to change the saline and mag) until about 7am when they started to get me ready to transfer to postpartum.

The mag sulfate stayed on until about 10pm Tuesday and then they decided they needed to leave the IV in, just in case. I was not sad to see it go.

This monstrosity sat in my arm
until Wednesday afternoon.

I stayed in the hospital until Thursday morning. The doctor was willing to let me go Wednesday but I opted for the extra day. I don’t have to pay anything so why not have the extra day of care for me and baby. I would’ve stayed longer if they’d have let me.

Things have been challenging since we’ve been home. Breastfeeding is hell (I’ll post about that separately though) and we’re exhausted. I don’t generally think I’m naïve but I had no idea that parenting was this hard. The good news is, it’s getting easier every day.

I know that I have more to write but I think this post is plenty long enough.

Here are a few pics of our perfect miracle...can't believe he's a month old already!

Just a quick post...

2011-03-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

...because that's all I have the time and energy for.
I'm a new mom!!! Gavin James was born Monday, February 28, 2011. He weighed 7 lbs 6 oz and was 20" long. He is absolutely perfect...unfortunately, labor wasn't. That's a whole other post though.

Right now I'm at the hospital for my fourth round of IV antibiotics for a wicked mastitis infection in my left breast. Then, last night I noticed I also have a clogged duct on my right side as well. Saying that this is painful is a gross understatement. From the beginning, breastfeeding has been a huge challenge. I've been struggling with a low milk supply and once that finally started to improved, I got mastitis. I have to pump every two hours to hopefully "clear the lines" so my nipples are very angry. I'm not even trying to actually nurse.

Things are so miserable right now that I'm not even cherishing my newborn. I've had an IV in my arm for four days now. Using that arm is out of the question (the IV is in my elbow crease) and the pain in my breasts means I can't even hold my sweet boy without tearing up in pain. This is rough and I hate tht I'm being robbed of something I've waited so long to enjoy.

Here's a few pics of our miracle for you to enjoy until I can post again...

Prayers please for a quick recovery. I hope to post the birth story, some of the $hitty things the in-laws have been saying, the story of the SIL's daughter's birth and a full report on my challenges with breastfeeding.

It's time...

2011-02-27T23:25:00.000-08:00

Apparently!!!

At my Friday's check up, the doctor ordered another 24 hour urine collection to reevaluate my protein levels because of the preeclampsia. She had said that if the levels were above 1000 I should head to L&D but if not, she'd let me know what to do on Monday when she reviews the results.

I did all the labs and dropped of the specimen today. I just got my results a little bit ago...my protein levels are 3153!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, as in, three times the limit she told me to watch for. I immediately called the hospital. I needed them to check and make sure what I was seeing was for real. It is. The on-call doctor told me I needed to head in with the intention of staying for induction. HOLY CRAP!!!

Unfortunately, the hubs knows nothing. That's because he's on his way home from Seattle at the moment. He went to WA for a fire department test. His flight was supposed to be back hours ago and of course was delayed almost two hours. He should be landing in the next 30 minutes. The besty will be picking him up (and hopefully calming him down on the car ride) and once he gets home, we'll head out.

How am I feeling?
Physically: Pretty good. Other than some of the normal pregnancy aches and exhaustion, I'm not ready to be un-pregnant.
Emotionally: A wreck!!! I'm in denial until induction actually starts. I'm nervous, anxious, scared, worried...

So, if you don't mind, please send some prayers and thoughts our way as this all becomes a very real reality. I'll do my best to keep everyone posted.

Calling all mommies!

2011-02-25T13:13:00.000-08:00

The doctor mentioned "induction" at my doctor's appointment today!!!! I'm scared to death. I'll be honest, as D(ue) day is fast approaching, I'm scared of labor. I'm a planner and I just don't know what to expect. I stare at the hospital's fill-in-the-blank birth plan form and I'm just lost. I don't know if I want an epidural (I know that I don't want pain but I also know that I really don't want any added complications,) I don't know what to pack in the "go bag" (will the hospital provide ginormous pads?) and I really don't know if we have all the supplies needed to bring home a newborn (I haven't even ordered his bedding set yet!!!) In reality, I know its all just going to work out...but that's not stopping me from freaking out NOW!!!

So...I reached out to blogland when I went to my IVF consult and I reach out again. What do you wish you'd done differently? What did you bring to the hospital that was unnecessary, or vital? What are baby items you can't live with out??? Etc... Walk me through this...I'll take any advice you have.

Another trip to L&D

2011-02-19T16:14:00.000-08:00

On Thursday, at 36 weeks and 3 days I had my routine doctor appointment. I was up 2lbs from last week's appointment (up to 202, about 50 pounds since my June IVF, for those that are interested.) In addition, turns out my blood pressure is too high and I'm starting to spill protein in my urine. Because of my swelling issues, this is something my doctor has been keeping an eye on and Thursday, she decided I needed to be monitored at L&D. Ugh!

We checked in at L&D around 5pm. The entire ride to the hospital I pleaded with the baby and God that this wouldn't be an emergency situation and I wouldn't need to be induced. Aside from my own desires to have the baby in March, I'm really not ready to be "un"pregnant just yet.

Good news, baby Gavin is still tucked nice and tight in my uterus with no intentions of showing his adorable cheekers to the outside world for a little while longer!!!

After four hours of monitoring, my first ever cervical check (which I'm dreading ever doing again,) and some blood work, I was diagnosed with mild preeclampisa and ordered on bed rest. I nearly shouted, "I'll take it!!!" If bed rest is what its going to take to keep this little turkey in for a while longer, I'll take it! My cervical check showed that my cervix is still nice and long with no signs of dialation. Woo hoo!!! All is good!

Today the bestie came over and help get the baby's room organized (apparently I'm the only one that doesn't feel the urgency to have his room ready. Is it possible to get the opposite of nesting???) Up until today, it was just a room with four walls and partially installed wallpaper border. Now, the border is up, the crib, dresser and changing table are assembled, the bazillions of diapers we got at the shower are neatly stored in the closet and all the clothes are washed. As soon as its finalized, I'll post some pics.

For now, I'm bed resting and enjoying every minute of it!

Just for fun...

2011-02-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

ABCs of Me
I "borrowed" this post from manymanymoons who is a new follower and followee of mine. She had a rough Valentine's Day but her post made me laugh a lot. Jump on over and say hi to her!

A-AGE: 29 but only for a little while longer. I'll be 30 in May...on the 30th in fact!

B - BED SIZE: Currently, queen but I'm really pushing for a king. My parents are getting rid of their gently used California king bed but I'm not sure how I feel about sleeping in a hand-me-down bed but free might make me forget its previously used. Hmm...

C-CHORE YOU HATE: Taking out the trash. I'm totally convinced its a man job. Period!

D-DOGS: No thank you. I'm not a huge animal fan in general. I know, I know...don't think less of me.

E-ESSENTIAL START YOUR DAY ITEM: TV remote. I turn on the TV before I'm even fully awake.

F-FAVORITE COLOR: Gray, closely followed by black. I'm not as drab as I sound.

G-GOLD or SILVER: Silver please.

H-HEIGHT: 5'8" with a 34" inseam. Lots of legs!

I-INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY: Ha!!! That's funny. I played a few instruments growing up (french horn, flute and cello) but never committed.

J-JOB TITLE: Senior Clerk Typist and soon-to-be mom. I'm hoping to keep the mom title full time and drop the SCT title. Fingers crossed!

K-KIDS: A perfect baby boy, Gavin, coming soon. Hopefully followed by many more!

L-LIVE: 40 miles North of Los Angeles, CA where you need a tank top and flip flops during the day and your grass freezes at night.

M-MOM'S NAME: Penny, and my dad's name is Bill. I tease that they are made of money. Get it, Penny (like the coin) and (dollar) Bill.

N-NICKNAMES: Among other random nicknames, my hubby calls me "poopy face," in the most loving way though. I call him "weeny head". We're so romantic!

O-OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: Not yet

P-PET PEEVE: I could go on for days but the one I'll write about today is when people mispronounce words. Examples - "kinNEYgarten" instead of 'kindergarten" (my in-laws are guilty of this one,) "ValentiMe's Day," "birFday," "supposeBly," "puNkin..." Oh I'm sure I can come up with more but this was just off the top of my head. Feel free to add to the list =)

Q-QUOTE FROM MOVIE: ??? I can come up with a million TV show quotes (Sex and the City, I Love Lucy and The Office are my faves) but no movie quotes. I suck at this game.

R-RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: Right

S-SIBLINGS: An almost 21 year old adopted brother (who is expecting a baby with his 28 year old girlfriend...oops! UGH!!!)

T-TIME YOU WAKE UP: Between 4:30 and 5 when working and between 7 and 8 when I'm not.

U-UNDERWEAR: Uh, not at the moment (TMI?) but usually, yes. I'm a total thong girl. "Big butt undies" make me crazy.

V-VEGETABLE YOU DISLIKE: I loooooove almost all veggies but I'm not a fan of celery. And if you want to classify tomatoes as a veggie, I despise them!!!

W-WHAT MAKES YOU RUN LATE: Not much. I'm pretty crazy about being on time because I HATE it when others make me wait.

X-X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD DONE: Lots of teeth x-rays, foot x-rays (sprained ankle and broken toe, two separate occasions, both left foot,) and HSG

Y-YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE: I'm a baker! I make amazing baked goods. I can follow a recipe for 'real' food that equals yummy but I think my baked goods are naturally better because that's what I like to eat.

Z-ZOO, FAVORITE ANIMAL: Penguins!!!

Holy Sh!t...I'm having a baby!!!

2011-02-14T16:30:00.000-08:00

Well, not at this exact moment...but soon. I'm 36 weeks pregnant today! Aahhhh!!! As in, just four weeks to my due date...how did this happen?!?! Where did the weeks go? I'm so officially NOT ready yet. No seriously, NOT READY! Good news is, he doesn't appear to be ready either. Other than my frequent contractions, there is no signs of going into labor. Phew! Here are some 36 week belly pics...

Here's what's going on...

Furniture
      We're having furniture drama. I waited until the last minute to buy our nursery furniture and guess what, the changing table has been discontinued. I'm not quite sure why were able to get the crib and dresser but not the changing table but saying I'm thoroughly annoyed is an understatement. We're working with Babies R Us to see about getting the floor model but I want it at a great discount! Shouldn't they have mentioned some items were discontinued when we bought the rest of the set instead of telling us that we just needed to check back on the changing table?! Ugh! The manager is supposed to call the hubs today.

Preeclampsia
      I'm borderline. At my last OB appointment we were having a hard time getting my BP to show at a normal number. It was in the 140/90 region and then sat comfortably in the 135/85 area for a looooong time. Finally, they got it to 127/79 and went with it. I had to do all the preeclampsia labs again. I had to do blood labs and another 24 hour urine analysis which means peeing in a gross jug for an entire day. Its not as bad as you'd imagine but staying home for the day is a must. Traveling with the jug is just creepy (although I did do it briefly when bestie and I ran out to run some errands.) Unfortunately, the urine analysis came back showing a fair amount of protein in my urine. They was to see less than 150 (of whatever unit of measurement) protein in the urine, two weeks ago there was 114 and this time it was 270!!! The doctor emailed and told me that 300 is the scary number and although I'm close, she's not worried yet. She's going to keep a very close eye on me...not sure how much closer of a watch she can have, I'm there three times a week. Jeez! Anyway, I'm only slightly nervous at this point.

The hub's Seattle trip
     The hubs is testing for a firefighter position in Seattle in two weeks. Yep, as in, two weeks from now which is just two weeks from my due date. We knew this was coming and we're just praying that Gavin listens well and stays nice and cozy at least through the weekend. I made him promise to wait until March. I think he'll be a good little boy and listen but we shall see. Our fingers are crossed for the hubs' test since we really want to see Washington as our home one day.

NSTs
     NSTs are going great! I still have a fair amount of contractions during the 30-45 minute monitoring but there's been no change in my cervix yet so we just continue the monitoring. I actually enjoy the NSTs. The sound of baby's heartbeat is just mesmerizing and I go into a peaceful little trance. It's very relaxing and it helps that there's an ultrasound after each NST.

Our miracle
     I just recently realized I never posted a recent u/s pic. Here he is...

His cheekers and amazing lips!

An adorable baby foot!

I know this pic looks like porn but I just have to show you how certain we are that he's a "he". The bestie says it looks like he's sitting on a Xerox machine! LOL!

These pics are from January 22nd when I was almost 33 weeks. He has his daddy's chubby cheeks and I can't wait to smoosh them. He's going to be so sick of all the kisses!

Baby Shower

It was awesome!!! The bestie outdid herself...as I knew she would!

My mom and I

The bestie and I

The table settings... She made the adorable centerpieces, game booklets and fire hydrant chocolate lollipops.
In addition, there were candles in the red organza bags. Get it...candles for a fire fighter themed shower. LOL!

This was the welcome table. The vase on the left was for the diaper raffle (one ticket for each package of diapers a guest brought,) fire truck name stickers in front of that, the basket with the red bow was the prize for the raffle winner, the large vase on the right was for the "What's mama been craving" game (filled with Jalepeno Cheetos, Fritos, Kettle Corn, Handi Snacks cheese and crackers, chocolate pudding cups and pretzel M&Ms...all things I've craved at one point and want nothing to do with now. The bestie's hubby counted ALL the items and then people had to guess,) the frame in the front was the signature mat for the baby's room. The garland hanging in the back was awesome! It's all the 20+ ultrasounds and the belly pics I've been taking all in chronological order. I'm going to hang it in his room.

I'm still overwhelmed with all the gifts. Bestie and I went through them this weekend to make a wash, return and keep pile. I still have tons to get off our registries like monitors, bouncer seat, swing, CHANGING TABLE (!!!)...

Nursery
This is what the nursery currently looks like...

Not even remotely ready. We've been more focused on making our newly remodeled apartment, home. It's amazing but unfortunately, the nursery is the forgotten room. I think that could be because its a little overwhelming. I also had some fabrics made. I designed them and then sent them to a company and they print them on fabric. As soon as I get the yardage, I'll send them to a company that will make my custom crib skirt, bumpers and blanket. Although, its not a cheap option at all, I know I'm going to be very happy with the end result. I'll be sure to post pics when I get it together...IF I ever get it together.

SIL
SIL's baby shower, although at the same venue as my shower, didn't even come close to the caliber of shower that bestie threw for me. Her shower came and went without a blink. I wish I had a more dramatic story to tell but it was completely uneventful. She did say that the doctor changed her due date. I'm not sure I get it though. She knows her last period, May 28th, which puts her due early March and even though she's been saying she's two weeks further along than that, the baby is measuring small...not large. I'm due almost two weeks after her and our baby is measuring a week and a half larger than his due date, but they haven't changed our due date. Anyway, her due date is now Feb 21st instead of March 2nd. I just don't get it...I guess we'll see next week. I think she is talking out of her @ss and she just wants the attention when she tells people she's 42 weeks pregnant because she's NOT due 2/21 if her last period was 5/28. Okay, that's enough about her.

Heartburn
The heartburn throughout this pregnancy has been torturous. I'm no stranger to heartburn, its hereditary and I've had my fair share even before being pregnant. Unfortunately, Tums constipate me (sorry, TMI) so I've been taking Mylanta (the store brand.) I love it!!! Too bad there appears to be some recall that is keeping me from my precious Mylanta. I've tried everything else. They all work okay but taste HORRIBLE!!! From what I understand, the store brands of Mylanta aren't recalled but I'm convinced there's just a slew of pregnant women waiting for those shipments to come in and they swoop them up. Every once in a while I'll find a bottle or two and I do a little happy dance in the aisle. I got two last night! I'm a happy girl!

Maternity Leave

2011-01-29T19:12:00.000-08:00

Yep, that's right. 34 weeks pregnant and I'm officially on leave!!! Woo hoo!!! I'm not even gonna lie, I was hopeful that the doctor would put me off sooner rather than later, I lucked out. I also lucked out that my job's sick policy means that going off work a full six weeks before my due date doesn't change the six months I get off work once the baby is here!

Unfortunately, the doctor opted to put me off work so soon because I'm showing early signs of preeclampsia. I'm having some pretty nasty swelling which is surprisingly uncomfortable and my blood pressure is starting to see it's way up. I'm still having some consistent contractions too. I'm not dialated at all though, thank God! Being off work is precautionary at this point.

I have to save all my pee in a jug today (not as disgusting as I originally thought but I'm still glad the day is almost over) so they can test creatine or something. I'll go in tomorrow for a wide variety of bloodwork also. I start seeing the doctor weekly and I will now also go in twice weekly for NSTs.

I'm really looking forward to being off work so early because we are not even slightly ready for this baby. Our apartment (that I mention here) is just about done. We're hoping to actually move our bedroom upstairs tomorrow. Once that's done, I'll need a few days to settle our stuff and then I can start up the baby's room. I have tons of baby shower gifts to sort through, return/exchange, wash, organize and even more stuff to buy to finalize the registry. I just pray that being on leave doesn't cue the little one to come out and join us. He needs to wait until March. Please baby wait until March!!!

That's the basic update. Hopefully, once we're settled in I'll be blogging more.

Trip #2 to L&D

2011-01-17T08:22:00.000-08:00

I had my 31 week check up at the OB this past Friday. Aside from being reamed (okay, that might just be how I took it) about weight gain (already up 38 lbs from my last pre-pg dr appt) she was concerned about my Braxton Hicks, or what I thought were BH. I have a ton of them! I have since about 20 weeks. They're not painful, just uncomfortable. She decided to a do a quick internal ultrasound to check on my cervix. It's still nice and long. She was going to do a fetal fibronectin test (fFT) to see if I'm at risk for preterm labor, except...we had sex. Dun, dun, duuuuun!!! Apparently, sex within 24 hours will give false results on the test so she couldn't run the test. She reminded me of this numerous times. I finally had to tell her that lately, sex is rare and I'm taking it when I can get it (or when I want it) so I'm not going to feel guilty for it. She laughed and said she didn't blame me!

She decided to hook me up to the monitors to see what the contractions were looking like. Turns out they're not all BH. Although they still feel like BH, my entire uterus is contracting and that supposedly means that they're real contractions. Anyway, the monitors showed pretty decent contractions every 2-5 minutes. Who knew? Then, because she couldn't rule out preterm labor with the fFT (which she reminded me again) she had to send me to L&D, in the main hospital 30 minutes away, for further monitoring. Ugh!

We laid around in the L&D room being monitored for about four total hours. At least there was TV in this room. They determined that the contractions were far too frequent and since they can't rule out preterm labor with a fFT (yep, this doctor said it too...ugh!) they were going to be cautious and give me a shot of terbutaline to stop contractions. While uncomfortable (the shot burned like a mother f---er and made my heart rate sky rocket) the contractions slowed and spaced out enough that they were comfortable with me going home with an oral terbutaline prescription.

All is good now...well, I'm still having contractions and I think they're going to be here until I deliver (just 8 weeks until my EDD!) Baby is doing wonderfully and doesn't seem to mind any of the excitement going on out here. He's measuring 11 days ahead of schedule and over a pound bigger than expected at this point. Big boy!!!

I had my baby shower Saturday and we were showered with lots of love and gifts like crazy!!! I'll be posting about that next with pics.

I hope everyone is doing well out in bloggy land. I'm going to be working on posting more frequently. Looks like I'll start maternity leave in 4 weeks and that will give me some time to post and then I will hopefully be off work for 6 months (and maybe permanently) after the baby is here. Fingers crossed!

Goodbye Grandma

2010-12-30T08:53:00.000-08:00

Late Tuesday night my family said our final goodbye to my amazing grandma. It's been a rough few weeks as her health rapidly declined. Although I am happy that she is not suffering anymore it breaks my heart that our perfect son will not have the pleasure of meeting the wonderful woman who helped to make him possible. It's because of my grandma's generosity that we were able to pursue IVF as soon as we did.

We are so grateful for the time we had with her and that she loved us so much. I look forward to sharing with baby Gavin all about his great grandma who loved him already and helped to make our dreams of being parents come true.

My grandma and I January 7, 2005 at my wedding

Merry Christmas!!!

2010-12-25T20:42:00.000-08:00

I didn't get our cards out until Christmas Eve but that's still before Christmas so I'm happy with it.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday enjoying your families!

Merry Christmas...I hope to post before New Years but just incase...Happy New Year!!!

Hi...remember me???

2010-12-09T08:54:00.000-08:00

When we were discussing middle names for the baby (see this post) FIL commented that ‘William’ was a good name (since it’s my dad’s and his name.) Needless to say, that automatically scratched that name off the list. I would only be naming the baby after MY dad, not FIL and, as I suspected, he wouldn’t see it that way. One less name to consider.

My brother (see this post) had the nerve to tell my mom that he’s “happy” that his girlfriend is pregnant. Happy?!?! Really??? That’s the emotion he has?!?! I’m 26 weeks pregnant and still anxious about ‘being ready’ for this baby and I’m in a committed relationship and we BOTH have jobs. I just don’t get it!

Our vacation was very relaxing. Unfortunately, the cruise was 80% 70+ year old passengers. I’ve never seen so many wheelchairs in my life. Two weeks on a ~~floating convalescent home~~ cruise ship is a little long for us. I was very ready to come home…just not ready to come home to reality.

Things are going great with our little boy! I had a dr appointment on 11/30. At that appointment I’d gained 10 pounds in five weeks (21 lbs to date!!!) Yikes! She helped me to justify it by saying that I was just on a two week cruise and Thanksgiving fell in that time too. She’s so wonderful! They’re not concerned about the total weight gain but she doesn’t want to see so much weight in a short period. We got another ultrasound (our 14th!) and the baby is looking great!

At my doctor’s appointment we were talking about Braxton Hicks. I’ve been having quite a few of them. She was worried about their frequency. This weekend I had my first visit to labor and delivery because of her concerns. I was monitored and everything looks good. My cervix is “nice and long.” It appears that all the excitement is in fact just BH and I need to up my water intake (I don’t even know if that’s possible) and rest. Ha! The excessive BH did get me an extra OB appointment. She wants to see me in two weeks and again in two weeks instead of the normal four week appointment.

While in L&D, we got our 15th ultrasound. They did a few extra measurements. Our baby is HUGE!!! I was 25w4d and the circumference of his head is measuring 27w0d, his belly is measuring 27w2d and his femur is measuring 28w0d! We also got a quick view of his face and his cheeks are super chubby and extra kissable just like the hubs' but it looks like he might have my long, gangly limbs!
We’re having another 3D ultrasound on Friday, 12/17. I can’t wait!!! I confess, I’m addicted to ultrasounds!

I haven’t talked in great detail about our living situation but we live with my family (which actually means my mom and dad, my dad’s mom, my mom’s sister, my brother, his girlfriend and us. It's a huge house so its not as bad as it sounds.) My parents have a 1200 sq. ft. ‘apartment’ on top of their garage/additional bedrooms. We’ve been living in about 600ish sq. ft. of that for the past two years. It’s basically a huge master bedroom and bathroom. Up until recently, that’s really all the space we needed. We knew we’d eventually finish off the rest of the space (its basically bare bones…no dry wall, sub-flooring only, etc…) but the rush came with baby. Now we are in construction hell! I guess there’s never really any construction heaven. It’s just chaos. It’s taking forever, it’s a mess, its costing more than I planned…blah, blah, blah, yes, I’m whining. Well this weekend we had to move out of our master bedroom into the main house guest bedroom so that they can do finish up some of the construction. Unfortunately, this means we moved from 600ish sq. ft. to a 12x12 bedroom. To say its cramped is quite an understatement. It also didn’t help that I got a nasty cold this weekend. I was sick, uncomfortable and living in a tiny shoe box. There were some tears shed! Luckily, it’s only temporary (4-6 weeks but I’m praying for 4! Please God!!!) Anyway, the final product will be a slightly smaller (aka normal size) master bedroom, a baby’s room, a small, but fully functional kitchen, our own laundry area and a full living room. It’ll be nice once it’s finally done but I reserve the right to complain in the mean time.

Our laptop got sicky this weekend too! It just shut off and decided it didn’t want to turn back on. So not only was I stuck in bed but I didn’t have my laptop to entertain me or catch up on blog reading. I was bored out of my mind. That probably had something to do with the tears shed over the weekend. Unlike me, the laptop was still under warranty so it’s in being fixed (it’ll be at the computer doctor for 2-3 weeks!) Because we’re spoiled rotten, we went and bought another laptop (we had planned on buying a second at some point anyway) last night so I’ll be able to do some blog reading tonight! Woo hoo!!!

I avoided my IL’s over Thanksgiving completely!!! We told them that the hubs was going to be working so we were unavailable. In reality, he was working, on our apartment. At least I didn’t have to deal with SIL! I wish we were going to be able to avoid Christmas too…and all of 2011...

I also learned recently that I don't qualify for family leave. Apparently, I need 1,250 hours of working time logged in the year prior to leave. Due to my taking advantage of my sick time (I admit it) and the sick time I legitimately took while undergoing a year of fertility treatments, I won't have enough hours by March. I should've known that I needed the hours and I'm totally beating myself up for this. I'll still be able to take the extended leave when the baby is here but it'll be a personal leave which means I'll have to pay out of pocket for our medical insurance, $1,230 a month!!! I'm still working on seeing what all my options are but I'm so stressed. I can't believe I let this happen!

I’m feeling very disconnected lately. I haven’t been blogging as much as I’d like, I haven’t been commenting as much as I’d like, I haven’t gotten caught up on the 500+ unread posts in my reader from while I was on vacation… Some of you got your BFPs, some got another horrible BFN, some of you found out the gender of your bundles and some of you even gave birth! I’m so behind! I feel like life is just spinning around me lately. I can’t get a grip on it. I apologize. I’m still here and I miss you all.

Well, I think that’s enough for now. I’ll leave you with some recent pics from our cruise. I’ll be posting another post with belly pics!

Our room...before we got it messy!

The living room

Dual TVs and wet bar

Us in Kauai at my Great-Uncle's house

Enjoying Poipu Beach

You can't really see us in this pic but that's not the point. This is the view from the lobby of the Hyatt.
I WILL be returning to stay there one day! Amazing!

Okay, anybody heading to Kauai or Waikiki needs to go to Puka Dog. I heard about it on Travel Channel and begged to go there. It was everything I imagined, and more! We went to Puka Dog on both islands because it was that good!

One of our last dinners

Long time no talk...

2010-11-29T14:06:00.000-08:00

I’ve got a lot to fill you in on. I have some super cute pics from our two-week Hawaiian cruise that we just got home from and I suppose I should update you all on Baby Gavin too but that will have to wait an extra day…I need to vent.

Background:

I have a 20-year old brother; we’ll call him “L.” He is actually my cousin. We officially adopted him when he was four but he has lived with us since before his first birthday. {The short story is that my aunt is a crack-whore prostitute (quite literally although she’s been clean for seven years now.) My bro is the fourth child of hers; the first three kids were adopted by my grandparents.}

L has had it rough. He was born with drugs in his system and went through some pretty severe withdrawals once we got custody of him because of the secondhand usage that he was exposed to. He has some learning disabilities as a result. We’ve cut him a lot of slack (rightfully so) because of these obstacles.

He is truly the baby of the family. At 20, he’s only been out of high school for a year (he just didn’t have the motivation or care to graduate on time,) he’s never had a job, thinks its okay to smoke pot all day long and do nothing with his life and he still lives at home {more background: The hubs and I also live with my family. We rent the 1200 sq. ft. apartment on top of their garage. The hubs and I have been living there for two years now. We’re selling our house and hoping that living with family will enable me to stay home and be a mommy once the baby is here.} In addition, L was busted for underage drinking about a year and a half ago. He wasn’t driving but they suspended his driver’s license for a year since he was under the legal drinking age and put him on probation. During that year, do you think he stopped illegally drinking or smoking pot?!?! Now that his license has been reinstated, his car insurance has skyrocketed. My parents still pay it…among the weekly allowance they give him. Bottom line, he is ridiculously immature and hardly acts his age.

The story:

About three months ago, my mom took my brother to the cell phone store for an upgraded cell phone (that they pay for, of course!) They girl selling them the phone hit on my bro and next thing you know, they’re dating. Turns out she’s 27, has an 8-year old daughter (that she dropped off for her mother to raise for the entire first year of the child’s life. Luckily, baby dad seems to have it together and the child is very well-behaved although starving for a “normal” family life) and is leaving her abusive boyfriend. Because she’s leaving this boyfriend, she has no place to live. It started with her staying the night once or twice. I was baffled by this. I was raised in a pretty strict household. I was not allowed to have a boy IN my room at all, let alone in my bed, FOR THE NIGHT…repeatedly!

Fast forward three months, she’s been living with my fam this entire time. She "quit" her job within the week she moved in. She supposedly had another job lined up except she’s yet to go to work. She and her baby dad have 50/50 custody of their daughter but since she doesn’t have her own home she’s only been seeing her once or twice a month for a day or two at a time. What kind of mother doesn’t want to see their child? Numerous times, I’ve caught her smoking pot with my brother along with the fact that they are both cigarette smokers (by the way, L gets his pot from the money my parents give him. Isn’t it nice of my parents to “buy” him his stash?!?) What does this girl want with my brother?! I do love him but he’s hardly a catch for a full grown, adult mother, not that she’s really a keeper either though.

So now, the kicker…I know you all know what I’m going to say…she’s pregnant!!!

I am beyond livid…for so many reasons. 1) She knows how this happens. She has a child already. There. Is. No. Excuse. 2) She is an adult…she’s not an immature teenager that is careless and oops, has a baby. 3) I firmly believe that 95% of people who don’t want to have kids, don’t! Between birth control pills, condoms, abstinence, etc...“accidents” are hard for me to wrap my mind around. 4) They don’t have jobs! Shouldn’t that be birth control enough! Living off money that your boyfriend’s family gives him doesn’t seem like the ideal situation to bring a child into. 5) I’m furious that this 8itch gets to be a parent…again! Yes, I’ll say it, I’m jealous!!! She can’t even manage to parent the child she already has and she’s gets to do it again?!?! 6) If I catch her smoking anything while she’s pregnant…she won’t know what hit her! 7) As if it wasn’t bad enough that we have to share our excitement of finally being parents with my SIL, now we’ll have to share the limelight with my loser brother too! This is getting ridiculous.

I feel like there aren’t any consequences for my brother. Nothing affects him. When I got my driver’s license, my parents told me that if I got one ticket, they’d take my license away. I was scared to death and I still haven’t gotten a ticket. He gets his license suspended and it doesn’t faze him one bit. Being on probation doesn’t change anything he does. Do we honestly think having a baby is going to change anything about him?!

Ideally, I want him and his girlfriend to admit they’re in over their heads, admit they won’t be able to provide a good life for this child and let the hubs and I adopt it. That would be perfect in my mind! Even if they did get jobs and could financially support this child, I don’t believe they could provide this child with the best life. They are obviously not parent material…yet, they’re going to be parents whether I like it or not.

I haven’t talked to L at all. I can’t stand the sight of either of them. I only know what I know because my mom and dad have both talked to them. I get so fired up talking about this. I’m so angry! It frustrates me so much that there are so many of us that would give anything to “accidentally” be pregnant and be amazing parents. I just don’t understand why things happen this way.

You've got to be f---ing kidding me!!!

2010-10-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

Just got an email from MIL. They picked and booked a venue for SIL's baby shower.

THE SAME F---ING PLACE AS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, she's got to be joking!!! Who does that?!?!

Livid doesn't even begin to describe how I feel at this moment.

The only silver lining is the fact that mine is first...I'd have mine next weekend to make sure it was first if it wasn't already.

Un-freaking-believable!!! They're gall catches me off guard each and every time. It shouldn't surprise me anymore, I know. This is just a repeat of all the crap that happened leading up to her wedding.

I didn't respond to MIL's email. I'm pretty sure the things I'd say would get us uninvited from every holiday dinner forever. I need to make sure the hubs is okay with that before I respond. LOL!

The Name Game

2010-10-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

I just love the feedback I get from you wonderful blog buddies about the continuing SIL drama! While the hubs is just as annoyed as I am, he doesn’t voice it as much as I do. But you ladies, you are amazing!!! You don’t even know her and you get riled up with me and say many of the things I haven’t said (out loud.) I’m sure there will be plenty more venting regarding her so hang on tight, and keep the comments coming.

I’m glad a few of you want to hear our names choices. I love hearing what other people choose but I didn’t want to assume that everyone else does as well.

So…

Baby Boy’s first name is Gavin! This is not up for negotiation AT ALL. We chose Gavin years ago, long before we even started TTC. We both LOVE it! BFF and her DH tried to steal it, TWICE, for each of their boys. I can’t help it that it took us forever to have a son of our own so that we could use the name. Luckily, BFF knew better! =)

The middle name(s) is(are) the new issue.

Our original plan was for Gavin’s middle name to be William after my dad. Unfortunately, this is also FIL’s name. This would be convenient if I wanted to name our first born after both of our dads but I don’t. I want to name him after MY dad! My dad’s middle name is David. This is the new contender.

We had always intended to name a child after the hubs. His ‘real’ name is James, although no one has EVER called him James, he’s Jim. Regardless, we hoped to have more than one son and his middle name would be James. Unfortunately, infertility struck and I’m worried we may never know life with more than one child and it would kill me if SIL got to use his name and we didn’t. So, James is added to the list as well. We also added Jameson on the list. I like that it’s a combo of “James’ son.”

Here's the options...

First Name: GAVIN

Middle Name A: William or David

Middle Name B: James or Jameson

I’m fighting to be able to give Gavin two middle names. One after my dad and one after the hubs. Is two middle names too much? What combination works best?

And for the record, you should all feel special. We’re not telling anyone IRL (other than the BFF’s and my parents) Baby Boy’s name. I don’t want to hear any negative thoughts on the name because its set in stone…and we love it! That’s all that matters!!!

Is this a competition?

2010-10-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

I’ve realized that some of my frustration with my SIL is that I feel oddly competitive with her. I think she feels the same way and that is probably why we aren’t better friends.

I told you all about the dating debacle. You know, the whole “she’s only due 12 days before me but claims she’s about 3.5 weeks ahead of me” crap. Well, I casually mentioned it to MIL. She was equally as confused (but just stared at me like I was speaking a foreign language which is very common for the ILs.) Anyway, I commented that maybe SIL doesn’t know the date of her LMP. MIL happened to know the date (5/28) so that’s not the case. Of course, I got home and plugged that date into the EDD calculator and she is due 3/4 (ten days ahead of me, not 12) and is, like I knew, only 18 weeks this week, not 20!!!

A) I just don’t get why I care! B) I really don’t get why she’s lying about it. Does she really need to beat me in THIS game?!?! And C) Honestly, none of it really matters. Ugh!

Yesterday, SIL had her anatomy scan. As I had hoped, she’s having a girl! I’m relieved that there is less comparison/competition since we’re having a boy and she’s having a girl. I feel like it helps a bit…maybe!

MIL mentioned that SIL already has a name picked out for their son. (Umm, must be nice to be fertile and already planning on the NEXT child. I’m just grateful for the one I am currently carrying!) The middle name they’ve chosen for their future son is after my husband. Normally this would be a sweet gesture but because it’s SIL, it annoys the piss out of me! He’s MY husband, I want to use that name before her!!! Unfortunately, we’d decided Baby Boy’s middle name will be after my dad. So unless we have two middle names (which is what I’m fighting for) she’ll get the name. Once again, why do I freaking care?!?!

And…my dad and my FIL have the same first name. We want to name Baby Boy after MY dad, not his. So, we either have to use my dad’s middle name or name him after both dads. Ugh!

Anyway, along with the name that they already have picked out for their future son, they also know how they want to decorate the nursery…in a firefighter theme!!! Just like us!!! UGH!!! We’re going with the firefighter theme because the hubs IS a firefighter. The kind that rides in the fire engine and runs into burning buildings. SIL’s DH works for the city fire department as a mechanic. The kind that changes the oil in the fire engines that the hubs rides in to fight fires. BIL IS NOT a firefighter!!! I mean seriously, get your own freaking ideas!

I really don’t know why her choices and actions bother me so much. It’s not a competition and I don’t know if its me or her that’s making it feel this way. I just hate it!

There’s not much change on the baby shower front. SIL still doesn’t have a venue for her shower but MIL did mention the shower favors. She wants to use the chocolates that we had at our wedding! It’s the dumbest things ever…SIL is freaking allergic to chocolate!!! Why would your have chocolates at her shower?!?! And doesn’t SIL think “Hmm, most of he people that are coming to my shower were at Deanna’s wedding, they’ll think I copied her favor idea.” I know I would think that! But…I also know, I’m neurotic.

I love that so many commented that you love my SIL drama stories. I don’t mind that you relish in my annoyances. I do the same thing. It just encouraged me to continue to post about the whole situation. I feel bad posting complete baby related posts so this helps me vent and entertains you. I love it!

Let me know if you want to weigh in on Baby Boy's name (and the choosing on the middle name)...I'll share but I just wasn't sure if anyone really cared. LOL!

Venting about the SIL drama

2010-09-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

So if you’re not all caught up on the SIL drama, read here and here. That’s the basics.

This week, MIL emailed me asking me details about my shower. I guess I’m naïve because I really just thought she was asking out of curiosity. Turns out, all the talk about SIL’s shower, was just talk. Nothing has been planned! MIL was asking me questions about my shower because she wants to steal it!!! No joke. She wants to know pricing and my contact so they can get a quote as well. HELL NO!!!

This is total déjà vu. We did this once before when SIL got married a year and a half ago. She booked the same exact room in the same restaurant we had our wedding, I already mentioned how she got my engagement ring (I mean, seriously, how many pear shaped diamonds have you seen?) she chose my colors, she’s used the same favors as we had (we had See’s Candies boxes of chocolates because I love chocolate and anyone that knows me, knows this! She, on the other hand, is allergic to chocolate!!!,) she also booked the same DJ company we had and requested the exact same emcee we had, and then she booked the same photographer we had (who wasn’t even that good!) I almost had a heart attack when her phone rang and her normal, everyday ringtone was OUR first dance song!!! OUR song!!! Seriously…WTF?!?! In the end, many of those plans fell through because of budget issues but the reality is, she TRIED to steal our wedding.

And now…she’s trying to steal my baby shower! I know that I’m a bitter, angry infertile and I am jealous that she barely tried to get pregnant and succeeded. I am fully aware of this…BUT…this isn’t okay, EVER! I feel like I have a baby sister and everything I want to do, she wants to copy. This is ridiculous! But please don’t tell me that “imitation is the highest form of flattery.” I DON’T want to hear it…and I think its baloney anyway. =)

So, I gave the bare minimum info to my MIL. I exaggerated the prices because I’m pretty sure its way out of their price range anyhow and I didn’t give her the contact. What I did do is, give her ALL of the other info I got from the many other venues I researched. I attached internet addresses and the quotes I got. I’ll just gently steer her in a direction FAR from my shower. We’ll see how this goes.

In my last post, I mentioned the confusion with SIL’s due date and how far along she claims she is. Well I just couldn’t take it so I texted her about it. She claims she’ll be 19 weeks Friday which is 3.5 weeks ahead of me even though her due date is only 12 days (not even a full two weeks) before mine. I told her that 19 weeks Friday makes her due date 2/18 NOT 3/2 (yes, I did the math, it was making me crazy!) I told her that something is off. She said “I just go by what the doctor tells me. The due date is just an estimate anyway.” Umm, your doctor is telling you that you’re 19 weeks along AND you’re due 3/2?!?! He’s as crazy as she is! I told her she might want to reconsider having her shower on 2/5 since she’s really due 2/18. Bottom line: She or her doctor (or both) are on crack! 19 weeks does not equal an EDD of 3/2/11. There’s no way around that. I feel better for having mentioned it even though nothing about the conversation gave me closure. At least she knows she can’t bullsh!t me! I’m onto her!!! Muahahaha!

That’s the update on the SIL debacle. I’m sure this won’t be the last post…unfortunately.

Spilling the beans to the ILs

2010-09-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

I made MIL a cute frame with an u/s pic in it. Now that we know we’re having a boy, we know we’re decorating his nursery in a firefighter theme (the hubs is a part-time firefighter and hoping to be full-time very soon!) I made a red matte for the pic decorated with fire trucks and wrote “Baby Boy B(our last name)” and “Coming Soon 3/14/2011.” It’s cute that our last name starts with a ‘B.’ We had also got customized M&Ms that said “It’s a BOY!!!” and our due date “March 14 2011.” We brought the gifts over to their house yesterday afternoon.

We did the regular chatting for a bit and then the hubs gave his mom the frame. She opened it up and nearly shouted, “It’s another baby!!!” She jumped up and hugged both of us. I was watching FIL’s face and it took him a minute to realize what was happening but even he hugged us. He told me he was proud of us. LOL! An odd thing to say but I figured I’m pretty proud of us for getting pregnant too! It was all very sweet and I was very happy for their human reaction. There wasn’t even a comment made about why we waited so long to tell them.

MIL asked the hubs if he had told his sister yet and we said that we’d call her later. MIL insisted that we tell her then. She called SIL and told her to come over when they got out of church. We went to lunch with the IL’s while we waited.

By the time we got home from lunch, SIL and BIL were at the IL’s house. Let me just start by describing how SIL was sitting on the couch. OMG… She was sitting at an angle leaning on her left arm, her legs slightly spread, back arched, sticking her belly out ridiculously far with her right hand on her tummy. Honestly, you’d think she was 30+ weeks pregnant the way she was sitting. (And for the record, I showed the IL’s my tummy and my MIL commented that my belly was already bigger than SIL’s.) So you see what I mean about SIL being all drama! She’s can’t just sit normal. She has to be all kinds of dramatic about it.

Anyway, the hubs got MIL’s picture frame and handed it to his sister. She stared at it and said, (and I quote) “Oh. Hmm. Okay” and handed it back to the hubs. I was thinking that maybe she was confused, like we had made his mom a frame to put her u/s pic in, by the way she was reacting…or NOT reacting. Then the hubs said, “Yeah, so Deanna’s due right after you.” SIL said, “Cool.” That was it. Nothing more. I still wasn’t convinced she knew what we were telling her. It was the most awkward thing ever. She wouldn’t even look at me. I was so prepared for my IL’s to not react that I didn’t have my guard up so SIL’s non-reaction was shocking. I was speechless. The hubs was wonderful and filled the awkward silence asking her how she’s doing and all the appropriate questions. She still didn’t look at me let alone ask any questions about me. Nothing.

At one point my MIL told SIL that I had an idea for her baby shower invitations. SIL lit up! She fully waddled (while holding her barely existing belly) into the kitchen to look at my idea and then, only then, did she talk to me and acknowledge that I was even there! Suddenly, when the conversation was all about her, her shower and her pregnancy, then she would talk to me.

While in the kitchen MIL and SIL had a quick conversation that went like this…
MIL: Jim and Deanna have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years.
SIL: Oh, they say that you need to be off birth control for 6 months to a year before you can expect to get pregnant…but it only took me one month.

WTF?!?! If I had my ‘go, go gadget arms’ I would’ve smacked the sh!t out of her! Such a b!tch! When is her response ever appropriate for the comment my MIL made. Seriously!!!

Something else weird that happened…SIL mentioned that she’s already 18 weeks yesterday and she’ll be 20 weeks at her anatomy scan next Thursday. Now, I’m doing the math and since she’s due 12 days before me, she should be 12 days ahead of me. So, I’m 15 weeks today, she should be 16w5d which means she’ll be 17 weeks on Wednesday, right?!?! So that means she’ll be 18w1d next Thursday at her scan. Am I crazy? Am I doing the math wrong? I mean, seriously, I don’t get it. Is she lying about her due date or is she lying about how far along she is? Weird, right? I can’t quite figure it out. The hubs asked me what she would have to benefit from lying about either of those things and I can’t come up with anything but it doesn’t change the fact that her dates are totally off.

And get this, SIL has already registered for everything. (Am I behind in registering???) The baby’s room, regardless of gender, is going to be brown! MIL originally told me that she had picked out blue and brown bedding which I guess could be gender neutral but I looked at the registry last night and it’s completely brown. There might be the slightest bit of blue stitching but overall, it’s brown. I didn’t even know they made completely brown nursery sets.

So…that’s the story of telling the IL’s. I survived and I’m glad the cat’s out of the bag and we can move on. I’m thrilled that I was wrong about the IL’s reaction but I WAS NOT wrong about SIL. She is a dramatic b!tch and us being pregnant at the same time will not be bringing us closer together.

Quick Post

2010-09-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to quickly post that we had our early gender determination ultrasound. And… it’s a perfectly, healthy, adorably baby BOY!!! We are beyond excited!!! Not only am I overwhelming blessed to be pregnant at all but we are having the baby boy just like we had hoped. I’m not sure that it gets any better!

I’ll post a little bit later also because we finally told my IL’s about the baby and we told my SIL as well. The IL’s went surprisingly well, but the SIL…that’s another story. She’s such a bitch!!!

Anyway, let’s end on a good note…

Baby Related Post!

2010-09-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

I've been a terrible blogger. I know. If you didn't catch it, this is going to be a baby related post. I'm just warning you in case you're feeling extra sensitive or reading about someone else's pregnancy is hard for you. I completely understand!

I'll be 15 weeks pregnant Monday. We regularly listen to baby's heartbeat on my doppler and I get teary eyed every time. I'm starting to get the slightest little belly and I LOVE IT!!! I do my very best to draw attention to it. My mom took me on an awesome maternity clothes shopping spree last week. I got a formal-ish dress to wear to a wedding in November and also on our cruise that same month, I got a super cute long dress that makes my tiny belly look much larger, I got a few tops, a pair of shorts and two pairs of jeans. I also had to make the jump to a bigger bra. Fitting into my normal size bras was becoming more and more complicated. I still wasn't ready to graduate into a maternity/nursing bra so I just went up a size in a normal bra. It's already getting a little snug so I know it'll be short lived. I just hate bra shopping.

We picked a venue and a date for my baby shower! My mom and my bff are throwing it. I started working on the guest list a few weeks back and it grew to over 80 people in a matter of minutes. We realized then that we needed to get onto planning because finding a venue to hold that many people could be difficult. It was! We finally went with a local golf club (pic below.) The room is amazing and overlooks the golf course. The shower will be January 15th, about 2 full months before my due date. I'd rather have it earlier than later. I want to be able to get all the shower gifts washed and in their new home long before baby makes his/her entrance.

Speaking of, we're having our early gender determination ultrasound Saturday!!! We have both been fairly confident that we're having a boy, until last night... The hubs had a dream that we had a girl! Apparently, this rocked his world and now he's a nervous wreck which makes me nervous. We will definitely welcome a girl with open arms but we've both always wanted a boy first. Now, we have to wait three more looooong days to hopefully find out.

We went and chatted with the IL's last weekend. They just got back from a two week cruise to Europe and we wanted to get all the cruise talk out of the way before we even consider telling them about our baby. My MIL couldn't stop talking about SIL's pregnancy. She is very excited and I just pray that she is equally excited for us to be having a baby too. We decided to tell them once we know what we're having. If SIL can trump us by telling them first and being due before me, we'll trump her by finding out the gender first and telling them! Muahahaha!!!

OMG!!! Get this...Our besties just had their second baby (I mentioned her in my quick update last post) and named him Colton James. James after my husband and Colton because it was between Connor and Colton and Colton won more votes. Well, MIL was telling me that SIL has decided on names (even though her DH isn't on board with them yet) AND...her boy name is Colton James!!! What are the effing chances?!?! I'm 90% sure she doesn't know that our besties named their son that but it annoys me nonetheless. I guess the chances of her naming her son the same name as our friends' son is the same chances as her being pregnant at the same time as me! Ugh!!! I'm counting on her having a girl!

Anyway, that's the baby happenings for now. I've been keeping up on all your blogs but I haven't been commenting much. Don't hate me!

Update!!!

2010-09-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

* We had our NT ultrasound yesterday. 1 in 1,500 chance for Down’s Syndrome and 1 in 100,000 chance for Trisomy 18. All good!!!

* It took almost an hour to get all the appropriate measurements for the above results. An hour long u/s isn’t as fun as you’d imagine. All the pushing actually left me sore. I did enjoy seeing the baby though!

*My BFF (besty) had a perfect baby boy on the 19^th. She’s the accidentally pregnant one I talked about here.

* I got to spend almost two weeks with the besty and her growing family. She also has a 13-month old. Her hands are very full and I enjoyed every minute of being an auntie!

* The new baby melts my heart! I can’t wait to have my own new baby that I don’t have to give back.

* I’m still not over the whole SIL pregnancy drama. But thank you all soooo much for the comments. I knew you guys would get it. So many of your have dealt with the same crap and said some of the exact things I’ve said/thought. I love you all for making me feel less crazy.

* The hubs and I still haven’t told my ILs about our baby. We argue about it almost every other day. I’m getting to the point that I just want to get it over with so we can stop discussing it. I think we’ve agreed to wait until we know the gender and we will hopefully be finding that out in the next two weeks. (We will be scheduling a private u/s. I’m no good at being patient.)

* I had the nastiest cold over the last two weeks (I thought it was just allergies initially.) I don’t really know if it was that bad or just that bad because I couldn’t take my usual drugs. It was no fun!

* Unfortunately, whatever I had was passed onto the besty’s hubby and then to her immune compromised 13-month old. I cried at the thought of passing my germs on. Turns out, her hubby has something much worse than I had and she doesn’t think it came from me. Regardless, I had to keep all the snuggling and kissing to a minimum.

* I haven’t been blogging much because I don’t know how to blog anymore. I don’t want to complain about my pregnancy (not that there’s really too much to complain about) and I don’t want to embrace the pregnancy (although it is becoming more of a reality) and have something terrible happen. I’m working through it and I know many of you have been through this also. Hang in there with me. I’m still reading your posts and even commenting here and there.

* Speaking of, I cleared the first trimester while I was MIA. I’m 12w3d today. And guess what? The nausea hasn’t gone away. Suck!

* Baby was measuring 13w3d (a week and a day ahead of schedule) at the u/s yesterday. I love big babies! (Remind me I said that when I’m in labor!)

* I decided to “come out” at work today. Of course, I haven’t actually told anyone yet. I put this picture frame on my desk and I figured I’d just wait for someone to see it and comment. I kind of feel weird about blurting it out. Maybe because I know how much it sucked when others did it while I was TTC.

* Is anyone else shocked that we’re in September?!?! What the heck happened to August?

*** IMPORTANT: I have meds to donate. Please email me at missedconception(at)yahoo(dot)com if you use Bravelle, Menopur, PIO, or the HCG trigger shot. I only have one trigger available but quite a bit of the rest.

WTF?!?!

2010-08-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

I’ve been going back and forth on whether I would actually make this a post or not. My logical side tells me I’m being ridiculous and that I shouldn’t get all riled up in a post. But…my emotional side (which is ruling my life at the moment) decided that I need to let it out or I’d go mad.

I haven’t talked too much about my ILs here. I did mention the one story about how my FIL told me that no grandchild of his would be born using an epidural (go ahead, read it) but that is really just the tip of the iceberg.

My ILs are overly opinionated (this is including my SIL.) They basically believe that the choices they’ve made or the ideas they have are right. Period. Everything else that differs from that, is wrong. My MIL had her two kids drug free, so that’s just the right way and everyone should do it that way.

This story is mainly about my SIL so let me tell you about her. She is one of those people that didn’t get nearly enough attention in her life while growing up. Now, to get her attention, she gets pitiful. I don’t even think there’s a word enough to describe the pitifull-ness. A few years back, my family, my ILs, and some of our friends went on a cruise. Each night we talked about our day and laughed and had a blast. She sat at the table sulking until someone said “What’s wrong?” Then she’d say, “Oh, nothing.” Until someone would drag it out of her. I DO NOT do well with this character trait. I just don’t care enough to drag it out of you. No thanks!

After the hubs and I were married I went above and beyond to make nice with her. I wanted her to be normal. I wanted her to play well with others so we could spend time with her. I really did try. Unfortunately, in addition to being pitiful, she’s also a drama queen. She can’t stand it when there’s no drama, and guess what? She’s always the victim. Always! I could write on and on about this…but I’ll spare you.

The most recent nonsense…her wedding. It started with the ring. I have a beautiful pear shaped diamond engagement ring. I love it!!! I don’t see many pear shaped diamonds. Well you better believe the &itch got a pear shaped diamond ring. When I saw it, I gasped! I said “it looks just like mine!” Because, it did!!! I asked her, “what made you get a pear shaped diamond?” She said, and I quote, “Because I wanted something unique that no one else had!” At this point, I’d been sporting my ring for over three years. Bull$hit you didn’t know I had it! I was livid. It just got worse from that point. My ILs had fallen into hard time and couldn’t afford to pay 100% for her wedding (she was 31.) She literally threw a fit until my MIL borrowed from her retirement, without my FIL knowing, and gave her $20,000! Then at the wedding, someone came up to my MIL and had the nerve to tell her she should be ashamed of herself for promising to pay for SIL’s wedding and not. WTF?!?! She did!!! But this just means that SIL was bad mouthing the ILs to outsiders and enough to make them want to comment to MIL. In-sane!!! In addition to the fact that my ILs gave her $200,000 so that she could buy a house a few years back. She couldn’t qualify for a loan that big so they gave her the money. Seriously, WTF?!?

So there’s a little background. I can’t fit all the stories into a post so just know that I’m giving you a tiny glimpse into my world.

Now…my ILs know nothing about our TTC journey. They don’t even know that we’ve been trying at all. As I mentioned, they have too much ignorant opinion and I can’t handle it.

SIL calls the hubs this weekend and tells him he’s going to be an uncle. I about fell out of my seat…once I stopped crying (I cried harder than I’ve cried in a very long time.) You’ve got to be joking!!! Her and her hubby have been married a little over a year. They said that they were going to start trying two years from now for financial reasons. They weren’t trying but they weren’t preventing it either. Blah blah blah. Here’s the kicker…she’s due 12 days before me!!! Seriously, what kind of cruel joke is this?!?! We wait almost fours years into our marriage to even start TTC, then spend two years waiting to see the BFP and she still manages to one-up me?!?! I think the worst part was that the hubs didn’t understand why it upset me so much. I’m glad that me being pregnant erases all the pain from the past two years for him but it didn’t do the same for me.

Here’s my thoughts…I’m jealous that it happened so easy for her. I feel like she didn’t ‘earn’ it. I feel like everyone is going to be equally excited for both of us but they should be more excited for me because this is HUGE for us. I would’ve been pregnant before her if that stupid cyst hadn’t delayed IVF by two months. Why is this part of the journey that God wants me on? What I am supposed to learn from this?! I WILL NOT be having a joint baby shower. There will be NO belly-to-belly shots of the pregnant SILs during the holidays. I know she’s going to be a major drama queen about how horrible her m/s is or how bad her back hurts and I will be silent because I’m not the whiney type. There will absolutely not be any matching baby outfits. I know that I shouldn’t care that she’s pregnant at all. I’m pregnant and her life doesn’t affect mine. I need to find a way to not be so angry and bitter…its bad for me and MY baby! Apparently, being pregnant doesn’t change the infertile’s brain. Thank God I’m pregnant too or this post would be even longer. I don’t even want to tell the ILs that I’m pregnant. I think I could get away with that if we moved…far away. Maybe I’ll just show up to dinner one night with a baby and say “Oh you didn’t know we had a baby? Weird.”

Ugh…

Please don’t try to tell me that I shouldn’t care. I really do know how I should feel. Right now, I just want everyone to tell me that she’s a wretched person and I’m totally justified for feeling the way that I do. Thanks in advance.

The greatest moment yet!!!

2010-08-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

Sorry it’s been such a post drought. Everything is going wonderfully. I think there’s still a small part of me that doesn’t want to get too attached to this pregnancy (even though it’s far too late.) Bad things happen to good people all too often. So I think I’ve been hesitating to post. And I know I also want to spare the feelings of those still on the TTC train. Aside from all that, I totally have prego brain. Just typing this far feels like a great accomplishment. I can’t believe I’ve managed to make multiple complete sentences!

Now, onto the greatest moment yet…

Yesterday we had our third ultrasound. Even at this point, it still totally feels surreal. Here’s the chart with the stats from the past three u/s…

7/22/10    6 weeks, 3 days 3.7mm      124bpm
7/29/10    7 weeks, 3 days   13.2mm    158bpm
8/10/10    9 weeks, 1 day       28mm      177bpm

So everything is progressing awesomely!!! I couldn’t be happier! I was in awe that the baby actually looked like a baby at this u/s. We saw the arms, legs, beginnings of fingers and toes, the brain hemispheres, a jaw and an elbow. So amazing!

The greatest moment was when we saw the baby moving!!! I was shocked! It was the first moment, during an u/s, when I got teary eyed. Before this, I just believed the RE when he said that the tiny blob I was staring at was a baby. I knew he was right but it didn’t look like much more than a cute little blob. Seeing/hearing the heartbeat was really the only thing that made the blob more ‘real.’ But yesterday, seeing all those limbs moving around was just…surreal. It really is a real life baby (although slightly alien-ish!)

At one point the baby has its legs open and we got a nice view of what is growing between them. It was without a doubt what looked JUST like a penis!!! I yelled, “Is that a wiener?” So classy, right? The doctor said, “Well, it’s really early but if I had to make a determination, I’d say that is the beginnings of a penis.” We promised we wouldn’t hold him to it since it is so early but we’re crossing our fingers that he’s right.

The hubs and I left the appointment elated. We talked about it for the entire hour car ride home. I seriously don’t think the words I’m typing do justice to the amazing feeling I had leaving that appointment.

The RE told me to make an appointment with an ob/gyn (hmm, guess I’ll have to get one of those) and schedule the nuchal translucency tests. We decided to keep up with the PIO injections and estrogen pills until Saturday, then Monday I’ll go in for blood work. If the placenta is producing enough hormones itself, then I’ll stop altogether. My next, and final, u/s with the RE is scheduled for 8/24.

He also gave me a prescription for Zofran. I’ve had a couple of really rough days that have kept me out of work. It’s not consistently horrible but I like the idea of having the option should I decide that I really can’t handle the nausea and vomiting on a particular day. Other than that, I’m doing pretty well. I’m still totally in shock but I think it’s becoming more real each day that passes.

Things I didn’t know…

2010-07-27T12:52:00.000-07:00

There are quite a few things I’m learning now that I’m pregnant. (Let me specify before you read, I am not complaining. I am rejoicing…even in the ickiness!)

First, (TMI ALERT!!!) the discharge. I don’t think anyone ever mentioned this to me. I won’t get too descriptive but mainly, it’s a constant ‘flow’ of thick fluid, nothing too terribly funky but its there…constantly. Because of said discharge, one should NOT wear dark pink or red undies during early pregnancy. The moisture on the undies looks oddly like blood and can send panic through your veins.

Second, the cramps. I have heard some women talk about the early pregnancy cramps but I had no idea how intense and similar to AF cramps they are. It is actually VERY cruel! Before beta, I just knew it meant AF was imminent. Once beta came back positive, I just knew it meant impending disaster. Now, I think it just means that my ute is growing. In any case, it is rather uncomfy and can be very disturbing.

Third, I’m worthless. I have always been rather lazy but this newfound exhaustion leaves me seriously worthless. I used to have an inner voice that reminded me that I needed to do things. I knew that I should do laundry or clean the bathroom. Now, I am twice (possibly three times) as lazy and no longer have the inner voice encouraging me to do something. The laundry has been stacking up for weeks. Yep, weeks! Every now and then the hubs does a load or two and that’s been keeping us afloat. I won’t even describe the filth that our bathroom is currently seeing.

Fourth, food just isn’t the same. Absolutely nothing tastes right. Even the things I crave, just don’t satisfy me. I’ll eat them and then still feel empty because it just didn’t hit ‘the spot.’ I do eat and luckily, have not vomited (other than the early morning dry heaves) but it is rather disappointing.

Fifth, no lovin’! This is specifically because of IVF (I think.) Prior to ER, we weren’t allowed to get down past June 18th. After ER and ET, I was on ‘vaginal rest’ until beta. At beta, I was told that ‘rest’ would continue until the first ultrasound. At the first u/s, I was told to wait until the next u/s. That will be July 29th, almost six weeks later! I had no idea the kind of lockdown we would endure. I’m still not sure I’m ready for any action because I’m nervous to ruin anything (I know, I’m one of the crazy early pregnant women you read about.) Am I the only IVF’er that didn’t know about this? My poor husband didn’t know either.

I constantly say “I’ll take it!” I’ll take the icky discharge, cramps, exhaustion, constant nausea and lack of relations any day! I’M PREGNANT!!! It’s all worth it and I truly feel blessed!!!

One...

2010-07-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

I don't have any of the pics scanned yet but we had our very first ultrasound last week and we saw one perfect little baby with a heartbeat...124 bpm!!! Baby was measuring right on schedule at 3.7 mm. My tiny little lentil!!!

Our next ultrasound is this coming Thursday.

I'm obsessed!!!

2010-07-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging lately for a few reasons. One of the main reasons is that I'm obsessed with taking pregnancy tests. It's hard to find time to blog when I'm busy pee'ing in a cup and dipping multiple sticks in it. Sometimes, more than once a day.

Luckily, all the results are the same. Still BFP!!! The hubs asks me why I keep doing it. Do I not believe it? Honestly, I think after two long years TTC, I just like to see that second pink line. I like to see if show up quicker each time, I like to see it get darker each time and I like to see the second line consistently. It's a long awaited joy!

Here's proof of my obsession...

I started taking them as early as 7/1/10 and there have only been three days (the past three) that I haven't tested. And I can guarantee, these will NOT be the last of the tests I will be taking!

I'm stewing over the upcoming u/s on Thursday. I'm dying to see a heartbeat and see how many sacs there are. I actually think I want to nap until Thursday and then wake up in time for the u/s. Wouldn't that be nice?!

Beta #2

2010-07-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

I got the beta call yesterday and forgot to post it...sorry!

My beta on Tuesday was 143 so I was hoping to see that double (something around 286ish.) My beta yesterday was 442!!! So freaking awesome!!!

Everyone's been asking...the high number could mean twins but its not definitive until the first ultrasound. That's scheduled for 7/22.

So, guess what??? It's another two week wait! UGH!!! I wonder if life will stop being measured in two week increments one day. LOL!

So far, I don't really feel any different. I have waves of nausea and exhaustion but nothing too severe. My progesterone and estrogen levels are great so I haven't had to adjust the PIO shots or the Est.race. PIO is going well...I guess. I have some nasty knots and bruises so the shots are getting more uncomfortable. All totally worth it in my book!

Cost

2010-07-06T15:21:00.000-07:00

2 years TTC = Lots of heartache

5 IUI's = Free (thank the Lord for insurance!)

Fertility Monitor and numerous test stick = $190

IVF = $12,150

Meds = $45 (more than $2,000 without my insurance)

Hormonal snacks = Roughly $50

7 embryos = A few nasty bruises

Pregnancy tests = At least $60

= PRICELESS!!!

Still waiting for beta results at the moment but I'll be sure to post as soon as I get the call. Please cross your fingers and say some prayers for a VERY high number!!!

*** Got the beta call...143!!!!!!!***

Hold me back...

2010-06-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

from the evil pee sticks!!! I just can't help it.

The logical side of me knows that 6dp3dt is just too early too see anything but it doesn't stop me from over analyzing each one of those strips each morning. The TORTURE!!!

I'm going to try my hardest to stay away but I'm weak. I do this every time. I just so desperately want to see the second line.

I just realized I never showed you who it is that I'm hoping to meet in nine months.

Meet Oreo and Cheeto...

Pretty darn perfect if I do say so myself. Keep up the prayers please. Prayers for my sanity as well.

Also, here's the horrible bruise from the shot that went wrong...

And this is nearly two weeks after the fact. Yowza!!!

Alright, that's all for now. I'm going to work on getting things packed up for my fun-filled ~~distraction~~ weekend.

Still here...

2010-06-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

I don't have anything new to post. I'm here, 4dp3dt, wondering if those two beautifully perfect embies are sticking around for the long haul. Just seven more days to beta.

Luckily, this week and weekend will be crazy busy and beta will be here before I know it. The hubs and I talked about not wanting to know the results. I only want to know good results. If they're bad, I just want to wake up for the next IVF. I can't even fathom.

I guess its best to stay focused on the positive. That's all I can do at the moment. I just hope these embryos know how much I love them already. I've been telling them daily how fun we are, and how loving we are, and how much we want to meet them. I hope they want to meet us too!

Hopefully my embies have made themselves at home.

I'm PUPO!!!

2010-06-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm a day late on the ET update...sorry!

Stopping by from IComLeavWe? Check out my last few posts...

ET went AWESOME!!! After the uncomfortable ER on Monday, I was worried about the ET but, once again, there was no point! There was zero discomfort, even with a full bladder.

We transferred two 8-celled, grade A+ embryos!!! The RE said they were A+ because they were compacting (the cells were communicating with each other, or something) and that was excellent!

We froze two more 8-celled embryos and a 6-cell. We have two 4-cell embryos that we're giving some extra time to see if they can make it to freeze.

We have the most beautiful picture of our embabies that I will be sure to post as soon as I can scan it. They're perfect!!!

Bed rest is going great! My 32-week pregnant bestie came to hang with me yesterday. The hubs ended up taking care of both of us because he's so wonderful! Her and I made sure to lay really close in bed so that I could "soak up some of her success" and let the embabies know that they're going to have a "cousin" so they should definitely stick around. LOL!

We can't help but feel extremely encouraged by the quality of the embryos that we transferred but I know that that is a slippery slope. Plenty of perfect embryos don't make it. We're trying to stay positive but realistic. I love them already and I really hope to see BOTH of them next year, in person!

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support! You, even those I'm just meeting in ICLW this week, are awesome!!!

We have embryos!!!

2010-06-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

We have SEVEN embryos!!! I cried. No, I lost it!!! I am so grateful! I was so worried there wouldn't be any eggs, I was worried that none of them would be mature, I worried none would fertilize...all of that for nothing.

Out of the 12 eggs retrieved, nine were mature, all nine were ICSI'd and of that nine, we have seven embryos!

ET is scheduled for Thursday, 6/24 at 8:30am. I won't even bother mentioning all my worries for ET. Its pointless.

God is so good!

ER Update

2010-06-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

First, I found my thumb drive! It was in the computer at work.

Second, ER went great! Out of the 14 follicles I had on Friday, the doctor got 12 eggs. Unfortunately, I don't know anything else right now. We were supposed to get our fertilization report 2.5 hours ago. I'm sure our names and info are written on a piece of paper that is sitting on a the nurse's desk waiting for her to have an extra moment to make the call. I'm being zen about it though. The hubs said we'll call if we don't hear anything in 2.5 more hours.

I was a little surprised at how sore I was after ER. Everyone had told me that it was easy and minimally uncomfortable. But I'm VERY sore! After waking up, I had some insane cramps. Tylenol minimizes them. Sitting up hurts, standing up straight hurts, laying on my sides hurts, and lets not even talk about laughing, sneezing, or coughing... It is much better today than yesterday though. Now, I know that I'm no wuss. I have a decent pain threshold. I think all of you IVF'ers have been lying about ER pain. That's the only explanation. LOL! I judge the pain by whether or not I'd do it again. I would do this again although I hope I don't have to. I am definitely surviving just fine though. I'm letting the hubs take care of me and its nice!

The hubs gave me my first PIO shot last night. I have dreaded these even before we started IVF. It wasn't so bad. It figures that the things I'm not worried about (ER) are the painful things and the things that I dread (PIO shots) turn out to be fine. I'm going to dread everything from here on. LOL! I can't believe how thick that PIO is. I wanted to draw it up into the syringe to see and WOW!!! That's crazy! The hubs said injecting was just as fun. I swear that needle was in my booty for a full minute as he forced the oil out. Freaks me out thinking about it, so I won't.

I'll be keeping you posted as soon as I get the fert report. Keep those fingers crossed and prayers said!

IComLeavWe - June 2010

2010-06-20T17:30:00.000-07:00

I decided to post my IComLeavWe post a little early. Tomorrow morning, Monday 6/21, is retrieval time for me!!! I can't believe this is here. How can this still not feel real?!?!

I had a great post written up and saved on my thumb drive but it appears that my thumb drive had better plans today. I can't find that thing anywhere. I vaguely remember my purse tipping over but I can't remember where. I'm just hoping I left it in the computer at work. Oh man, I hope its at work. Not sure where else it could be. Yikes! Unfortunately, I won't be at work tomorrow so this is the post you'll get for now.

If this is the first time you're stopping by Mis(sed)conception, welcome! Here are two posts that you should take a peak at... a few things about me from my first IComLeavWe post and the second post was from just a few weeks ago when I came out of the bloggy closet. We are currently in the process of our first (and hopefully ONLY) IVF! We have been TTC since August 2008 and are undiagnosed. We've had five IUIs since August 2009, three Clo.mid cycles and two injectable cycles. Check my sidebar for some more details. Our fingers are crossed for this IVF!

Follow me on Twit.ter (@misdconception) for my ER update tomorrow and fertilization report later in the week. Otherwise, I hope to be posting later in the day or Tuesday.

I would appreciate prayers and positive thoughts for some healthy, mature eggs at the retrieval and a great sample from the hubs!

I look forward to meeting all of you this week!

Follie Checkup

2010-06-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday’s follie check up went awesome! We (me and my ovaries) have 16 follies!!! 9 on the right: 2-6mm, 7mm, 8mm, 10mm, 2-10.5mm, and 2-11mm. 7 on the left: 7mm, 2-9mm, 9.5mm, 2-10mm, and 12mm. My next check up is Thursday. We’ll probably need another 4-5 days of stims and hopefully trigger this weeked for ER on Monday/Tuesday. Woooo hoooooo!!!

Last night I had the shot that went wrong! Monday nights my dad does my shots since the hubs works a 24-hour shift. My dad is a diabetic so I’m pretty comfy with him doing them…usually! I really dread my Brav.elle and Men.opur shots. They’re just uncomfy. Granted, it’s quick and I do survive, but I still don’t look forward to them. Last night was the night for shots on the right side. If you read my post from yesterday, you saw the pics of my bruises. Well, those are on the right side.

I decided to have my dad do my shots a little higher than we normally do. The Lup.ron shot went awesome as usual but the stim shot seemed to hurt worse than usual. I assumed it was because he was injecting it faster than the hubs does. It hurt bad enough that I had to put ice on it afterward. I’ve never done that. There was the beginnings of a knot soon after. I thought maybe it was the fluid under the skin. I tried to massage it but it was very sensitive. As the night progressed, it got worse. The knot got bigger, I could see a bruise surfacing, any touch hurt and it hurt to use my abs. I’m thinking we hit muscle.

Sleep was very uncomfortable and this morning I have a doozy of a bruise and a nice knot. I’ll spare you the picture today because I actually terrified another soon-to-be IVF’er with yesterday’s pics (sorry!) I’m sure it’ll feel better after a few days. We’ll just do shots on the left side for the next night or two. But for now, pants make sitting very painful even though I have them fully unzipped and unbuttoned. I wish naked was acceptable at work!

IVF CD10

2010-06-14T12:06:00.000-07:00

Once again, I am way overdue for an update. And since it’s been so long, I have so much to post and I feel overwhelmed. I think this is going to be another bulleted post. It’s just easier to formulate my thoughts in short paragraphs.

* Last Thursday, I had an appointment with the RE. This was the appointment to determine if we were going to start stims. There were no cysts and I had 12 resting follicles (7 on the right and 5 on the left…is that good???) so I got the go ahead to start stims. Two ampules of Brav.elle and one ampule of Men.opur. I asked him if there was a way to avoid the evil Brav.elle burn (I was thinking maybe we could dilute it with more saline.) He suggested I load both of the meds with the 1cc of saline. I partly expected it to burn more since we had all three amps of meds to 1cc of saline. Good news though…only a slight burn! Woo hoo!!!

* The fear of IVF set in yesterday. The fear of shelling out $13,000 and not ending up with a baby scares me to the core. Up until this point, I’ve been fairly positive about it. This just has to work…but the reality is, it very well might not. I haven’t really felt like I was in the IVF process until starting stims. Now it’s getting very real. The fear, the anxiety, the nerves, the excitement…all slowly getting worse.

* Lup.ron Update: I <3 Lup.ron! Not necessary its effects on me, but I love the ease of this shot. I do have to admit, I have experienced very little of the Lup.ron side effects. I had mild, annoying headaches from the start of the BCP’s, once those were gone, the headaches have been minimal. One of the first nights of Lup.ron, I had my first ever hot flash. It was insane! Last week, I had my second hot flash. Equally as insane! I haven’t noticed much of the mood swings though. I have noticed I’m slightly bloated but I’m not sure if it’s just the gut or actually medically induced. This shot does leave me with a very interesting welt/rash 80% of the time (see pic at left.) The bruise is from a random shot during the first week. The shot itself didn’t hurt one bit but apparently the hubs hit a small blood vessel and we have bruising. The red mark below the bruise is the welt/rash I’m speaking of. It generally doesn’t show up until 20-30 minutes after the shot. It doesn’t hurt, itch or burn (the three questions the hubs and my mom have asked.) It goes away after an hour or so. I believe this is one of the side effects. It doesn’t worry me although it looks scary.

* Because my Lup.ron shots are so easy, I sucked it up and did one all by myself!!! This is a huuuuuuge accomplishment for me. I don’t even watch when the hubs does them for me. Seeing the needle enter the skin seriously freaks me out. Last week, I had a glass of wine and got the courage I needed. I was really surprised how difficult it was for the needle to penetrate the skin. It was the creepiest feeling. Gives me the willies thinking about it now. It was all over before I realized what was happening. I DID IT!!!

* Last Friday, I had the honor of meeting some of my Tweeps, Tracy (@kittygirltx), Holly (@ready2Bmom) and Erin (@WannaBeMom). It was even more awesome than I imagined! I’m sad that we didn’t take a picture before Tracy had to leave back to work. (L to R: Me, Erin and Holly) Guess we’ll have to do it again!!! As I sat with three miscarriage survivors, I was in awe of their amazing strength. I can’t even fathom their pain yet they can still encourage me. They are just amazing women and I am so grateful to have had the chance to meet them.

*I think I’m sick. The past four days I’ve had a nasty sore throat, sensitive ears and sinus headache. I’ve been avoiding meds since I’m on the IVF train but I don’t want it to get worse. (I went to the dr last Friday. I have double ear infections. I’m on antibiotics. Ick!)

* I’m in a complete blur lately. I can’t believe ER is right around the corner!!! I really just want to be in the moment. Every little bit leading up to a BFP will be cherished and I don’t want to look back on it all and wonder how I got here. Last night, CD9, was the first time I actually listened to my Circle + Bloom IVF medication series. I’m so mad that I missed so much. It was amazing and I really could’ve used it so much sooner.

* The bruising on my belly is ridiculous. I think it’s the aspirin that’s making it worse. These are my two most recent bruises. The bottom one hurt soooo bad. The hubs went to give me my Lup.ron shot for the night and when he poked, it hurt pretty bad. He said it was really hard for the needle to go in and I guess it freaked him out because he pulled it out. Then he had to do it over. Argh! The second one hurt just as bad. I’m not sure if it was the first attempt or second that left the bruise. The top bruise is the freshest. So fun!

* After only four days of stims, the bloat and discomfort have fully set in. I just know its going to get worse before it gets better. My elastic waistband pants hurt. I’m getting ready to bust out some drawstring pants.

* I have my first stim check up tonight. I’ll be posting later to let you know how it looked.

Out of the closet...

2010-05-31T16:11:00.000-07:00

I’ve decided its time to come out of my blog closet. No, not to the IRL folks, but to you. Until now, I’ve been somewhat anonymous. I fear my IRL friends finding my blog and having to justify my feelings. My bloggy buddies (that’s you!) get it. You get me and my feelings (no matter how irrational they really are.) But now, as I'm venturing onto IVF, I’m going to need extra prayers and support.

Personally, I find that it’s easier to offer prayers and support to someone when I have a face to go with a name. For that reason, I’m coming out of my blog closet. Its something I’ve thought about often and at this big turning point in our lives, I’m ready. So, this is me (and the hubs)…

*I'm not even going to lie. This is the most real picture of me! I contemplated posting a picture of the hubs and I on formal night on our cruise in January but its really not a true representation of me. I'm a pretty plain Jane sort. I rarely wear make up and I'm usually rockin' a pony tail so the formal pic of me (although possibly a better pic) is not really me but this is pretty close.*

Although, I am very grateful for the opportunity we have to pursue IVF much sooner than we had imagined (thanks to grandma,) I’m approaching this very guarded. I hope from the depths of my being that this works but I know that it doesn’t always work (even if the hubs “has a good feeling about it.”) I will be asking for many prayers and positive thoughts to be sent my way over the next few weeks. I hope that having a face to go with the name/blog helps.

Tonight will be my last night of BCPs and my fifth night of Lup.ron. I am shocked that the Lup.ron is so easy. This is the first med that I haven't had to mix or change needles for. It's awesome! The needle is even smaller than I'm used to and the meds don't burn one bit. I actually don't really feel much of the injection one bit. Unfortunately, this is just the beginning of the IVF injections and the evil Brav.elle burn will be here before I know it. I'm just enjoying this while I can.

So far, the only side effect I've experienced are acne break outs and headaches. I'm not really sure if its the BCPs or the Lup.ron but I don't like it. I'm dealing with it but I would much rather do without it.

In honor of my last BCP here is my med protocol pic...

*Complete with my IVF Companion in the back.*

This is really happening!!!

On a lighter note, this weekend was awesome! I loved SATC2 even more than I thought I would. My birthday was amazing (thanks for all the birthday wishes!!!) and the BBQ turned out great too! It's a been a whirlwind weekend.

This week I will getting together with three fellow bloggers/tweeps! I'll be meeting Holly (@ready2Bmom,) Erin (@WannaBeMom,) and Tracy (@kittygirltx.) I have to admit, I'm pretty nervous. I feel like its a blind date. The suspense leading up to the lunch is the worst. I know once we're all there and chatting, we will never want to stop. Until then, I'm so nervous and excited! I can't wait!!!

I just want to say, I think of so many of you on a daily basis and I hope you know that I’m sending my own thoughts, prayers and positive vibes your way! Thank you so much for all the support you provide me with.

Lup.ron time

2010-05-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

I figure I’m pretty due for an update. I don’t know why I haven’t been in the blogging “mood” lately. Probably because I’m twe.eting so I feel like I AM blogging…just 140 characters at a time. LOL!

I had my baseline appointment on May 21st. All went great there. BCP doing its job, especially at making me cranky and irritable. Cyst gone. We’re a go for IVF!!!

And now…it’s already Lup.ron time.

I start my first injection of my first (and only) IVF cycle tonight. I’ve heard some good things about the actual injection not being painful. That Brav.elle crap buuuuurns! I haven’t heard such wonderful things about the side effects though. The hubs is fully prepared for the moodiness and hot flashes.

The hubs and I briefly discussed gender determination for the IVF. I like the idea of them being able to rule out certain genetic abnormalities but I do not want to choose what gender each embryo is. Has anyone else done this? I’m leaning towards not doing it (the $3,500 price tag is steering me in that direction) but I’m still curious.

Also, am I crazy for thinking I might want to transfer three embryos? I know that a lot of that decision will be determined after my fertility report. We are for sure planning to transfer two but I keep thinking about three. I’m okay with the idea of twins, triplets is a little too scary but I’m afraid of transferring two and not seeing my BFP at all. Thoughts?

I’m in the market for a fertility bracelet. I searched around on Etsy today and was able to get a better idea of what I want but I wasn’t able to find it exactly. I’m still on the hunt. I want to have it before my next ultrasound on June 10th. I want something pretty simple. Mostly just silver. Maybe with a ‘hope’/’faith’ charm or something. I want something I can wear everyday, with jean and a tank or sweatpants. Any ideas?

I’m gearing up for a busy weekend! Saturday we’re having a girl’s night. Me and 11 other laides are hittin’ up Se.x and the Ci.ty 2!!! Two years ago, the first movie came out ON my birthday. We all got dressed up and took a limo to the movie. It was awesome! This year, we’re doing the scaled down, budget version of the night. I have no clue what I’m going to wear but I’m so excited!

Sunday, is my 29th birthday. I’m not a big birthday celebrator so we’ll just be doing our regularly schedule Memorial Day BBQ. It’s not a birthday party – it’s a Memorial Day BBQ! That morning the hubs and I are going with BFF and her hubby and 11-month old, to have her 4-D ultrasound of baby #2. (Ironically, last year on my birthday I went to her work baby shower for her first baby. This year, we’re going to her ultrasound for her second!) She’s going to be pretty close to 30 weeks pregnant. I’m planning on keeping it together and slapping on the “I’m so happy you’re pregnant” face. I am happy she’s pregnant…again! I just hoped to be pregnant too.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday weekend. Go ahead and take Monday off to celebrate my birthday! You can thank me later =)

New Address

2010-05-20T07:04:00.001-07:00

My blog address has changed...

I'm now at http://misdconception.blogspot.com

Please update your reader!

Thanks!!!

Randomness

2010-05-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

It’s been entirely too long since I last posted. I can’t think of anything truly post worthy so here is the randomness going through my head today. I decided to number them so you can comment on a particular one if you choose. =)

I started my BCP’s for IVF last night. Being off them for nearly two years hasn’t changed the fact that I hate them!!! I’m so nauseous today! Hopefully this will be keeping all the little cysts away and we can carry on as planned this time around.
The new pretzel M&Ms are pure heaven!!! Think, peanut M&Ms minus the peanut, plus the pretzel. Soooo good!
I think my body is seriously done with me! My cycles generally run between 28 and 32 days. On CD32 I thought I was seeing AF. Turns out I forgot that she sometimes likes to send Spot two days before her visit. I saw a light, but consistent, AF on CD 34, and then two days later (yesterday,) BAM!!! Cramps, heavy flow, headache…the works! What the heck!
How do I tell my body that if it gets pregnant we won’t have to deal with cycle days and AF anymore??? Obviously she’s fed up with all this so just be pregnant already!!!
Turns out visiting the 11-week old baby on vacation wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought. Spending a week with his insanely, bitchy mom was!!! (She is a friend of mine but I can’t stand how she talks to her DH. If she and I were closer, I might consider talking to her about it.)
We were in TX for a week for my DH to take a firefighter test. There were 2,900 people testing and they’re taking the top 250. We’re not holding our breath!
I have my baseline ultrasound on Friday, May 21^st. Not getting excited for IVF just yet. Last time the cyst slowed things down and I was pretty bummed.
We celebrated Mother’s Day, the hubs’ birthday and my brother’s birthday while in Texas on vacation.
The hubs ordered us P90X last night. I’m very nervous about starting it. I love the idea but I’m not a good workout-er. My fingers are crossed that IVF will work on the first try and I will be forced to discontinue for the time being. I can always try it again after the pregnancy is over, right?!
The friends we were visiting in Texas don’t have cable!!! They have rabbit ears and get a few channels but if you sit in certain spots in the living room, the channel goes fuzzy. UGH! I know that the hubs’ and I are crazy TV freaks but this was ridiculous. I’ve never been so happy to see my DVR!
I bought our tickets to Sex and the City 2 for Saturday, May 29^th, the day before my birthday!
I bought my Circle Bloom meditation set for IVF. I’m a little confused by when to start which days. I’m thinking I’m in the pre-cycle stages though. I tried to do one the other night and it’s a lot harder to silence my thoughts than I thought. I’m going to need to give it a lot more effort but I’m excited!
I suck at the wheat-free diet! I’m blaming it on vacation. I didn’t wan t to be a burden on our hosts so I tried not to say, “I can’t eat that,” so I did my best when we went out to eat and just ate what was served at their house.
I just thought of something to add to my to-do list and forgot what it was by the time I got my list out. So frustrating!
I’m helping preggo bff plan her soon-to-be one-year old’s birthday party in July!
We’re having money drama! A very long story but we’re having lots of faith and starting psycho budgeting ASAP!
It’s going to make me crazy that I can’t remember what I needed to add to my to-do list!!! Ggrrr!
I changed my blog’s address. I’m not sure if that means those of you that have “followed” me will still be able to see me or what. Guess I’ll find out if I get zero comments.***I changed it back to the original address and then realized it deleted ALL my comments. I'm back to the new address. I hope you all can still find me.***

I’m certain I should have more to mention but that’s all I can come up with at the moment. Happy Wednesday friends!

IVF Delay and Anti-Wheat

2010-05-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, was my baseline IVF appointment. The goal was to see that I ov’d and start Lup.ron. Unfortunately, I have a cyst. A nice, round 22mm cyst in my right ovary. This is my first non-medicated cyst. I had three small cysts after my last round of Brav.elle (and three large ones after my first round of Brav.elle last year,) and now a cyst all on my own. UGH!

Anyhow, this rearranges my entire plan. Key word being ‘my.’ I am, in addition to being completely impatient, a total control freak. I had all my time off arranged. I had my calendar marked. I knew my EDD based on my ET (because I will be getting pg with this IVF!) I know the plan is just delayed, not cancelled. But I’m still bummed.

The hubs was nice enough to find me a silver lining. We’re leaving to visit our friends in Texas (Fort Worth area for those Texan readers) on Saturday (they just had a baby in Feb) and since the IVF plan is delayed, I won’t have to do shots while we’re on vacation and I’ll be able to enjoy a cold beer or two (or three, or four…) Which is a good thing because I’ll be seeing AF while we’re there and, I’m just guessing but, AF and someone else’s new baby is probably not going to be too fun! So, yes, there is a perk to the delay but I don’t want to see the brighter side at the moment. I’m bummed!!!

On a totally unrelated topic…I stopped eating wheat. After reading Andrea and braving_ivf’s posts, I really started to think I might have a wheat allergy (possibly a gluten allergy too.) So I’ve cut out wheat to test the theory.

After about a week, I am certain wheat+Dea.nna=no good! The past two days I’ve eaten terrible, mostly all wheat products, and I’m totally paying for it. I feel disgusting!!! Of course, the only thing I can think about is eating pasta, bread and pizza! I do have to admit, this icky feeling is not worth the temporary joy I get from eating those foods. I’m going to stick with the no wheat plan and eventually ease myself into a more restrictive diet. How do people not eat pasta and pizza?! Is there a way to enjoy those foods without wheat?

Here we go...

2010-04-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

Out of no where AF decided to show up…early!!!

Generally, AF sends Spot two days before her arrival. I was a little surprised to see Spot yesterday (cd25) since I’ve never seen AF before cd28.

I was even more shocked this morning to see AF in all her glory! Sometimes I second guess her arrival but I’m pretty certain this is really her. (But of course, now that I’m thinking about it, this could be Spot and that would be AF right on schedule for her arrival on cd28. Hmm… I’ll just assume it’s her for now and keep you posted. Cause I know you’re dying to know, LOL!)

For once, I’m so excited to see her!!! This means that I can start the IVF planning.

I called my RE’s office this morning. We have our first appointment on Monday, May 3^rd. This will be my baseline appointment and I believe I’ll be starting Lup.ron that day.

The rest of the plans are a little foggy right now (we’ll solidify them on the 3^rd) but I know that I’ll be on Lup.ron for two weeks. I’ll see AF again during that time but regardless of her visit, I’ll start stims on May 17^th. I think she said I’d be on Meno.pur and Brav.elle.

I’m so happy to have some appointments on my calendar again!

An anniversary baby?!?!

2010-04-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve never been so wishy washy / impulsive / indecisive in my life!

If you’re not on Twit.ter, I mentioned to my tweeps that an IVF in May (not July/August or October/November like the past two IVF conversations the hubs and I have had) would give me and EDD right near our 6^th wedding anniversary!!! Since we started TTC, an anniversary baby has always been a little dream of mine. It’s nothing I’ve vocalized but something I’ve definitely thought about and hoped would work out.

So…this morning I was reading Andrea’s post (yes, Andrea, I’m blaming you… just kidding!) She was talking about EDD’s and a 2010/2011 baby. It got me thinking, if this month was the last chance for a 2010 baby, then next month is the first chance for a 2011 baby…the month of our anniversary!!!

Frantic (because did I mention that I’ve been caffeine free for almost two years and today I just “needed” a full caff latte…I’m nearly bouncing off the walls) text to the hubs at 9:10am: We need to do IVF NOW!!! We can have an anniversary baby if we get on it sooooon!!!

Second frantic text to the hubs at 9:11am (he didn’t write me back soon enough): OMG! Seriously, let’s do it!

Third frantic text to the hubs at 9:27am: Are you in the shower or just ignoring me???

Finally, a response at 9:34am: I’m undecided

(What?!? That’s it, not even a punctuation mark?)

Me: But considering it???????

Him: I think you’re too concerned about dates and not money. Let’s run the numbers.

(Oh okay, Mr. Voice of Reason…you’re no fun!)

Me: Call me

When he called we quickly ran the numbers. TOTALLY FEASIBLE!!! No, like seriously!!! We can do this!!! (Sorry, that’s a lot of exclamation points.) He tells me that we need to think this through a little more (Who is this guy?!?) and run the numbers more. At this point, I told him that Holly (@ready2Bmom) and Jess (@AzoosBeyotch) both told us to “go for it!” (Funny thing is, he actually knew who I was talking about. Feel like I actually know you girls! LOL)

What do I do?

Immediately print out a calendar. Write in the dates we get certain deposits ($$$). Write in my possible CD1 so that I can calculate when I’d start Lupron and then stims. Leave a message for the nurse at the RE’s office so I can verify the meds protocol and then update the calendar. Wait for the stinkin’ nurse at the RE’s office to get back from lunch to answer my questions.

I’m going to have a full presentation for the hubs when I get home from work!

Also…I want to thank you for commenting on my FIL’s lame a$$ comment about the epidural. I love that you guys are all on the same page as me. I have no problem with epidurals or otherwise. The problem is him giving me his ignorant opinion on something that really doesn’t concern him. I was telling Amanda, he gets kidney stones frequently. I asked him in that conversation if he’d endure passing one of those tiny little stones out of his junk without his meds! Nope…didn’t think so!!! Jerk!

Patience is a virtue...

2010-04-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

Grandma got nervous about her money (I suspected this might happen) and she changed her offer from $10,000 to $6,000, which is still WAY more than I could’ve ever imagined! She did say that she’ll give us more money if she has more when the time comes but we’re guaranteed the $6,000. I definitely can’t complain about that.

And…the hubs sold his motorcycle last night!!! This is such a long story but the short version is that I was never really on board for the motorcycle in the first place. I literally bawled when he got it. After over a year of ownership, he’d only put 500 miles on it. I think he finally realized it was just a waste. For the record, I never told him to sell it but I definitely did encourage it. A few months ago he told me that he thought we could use that money more than he can use the bike so…he decided to sell. He’d only been actively trying for a few weeks but last night we got an offer for $200 more than the lowest we would take! I’m ecstatic! The baby fund is already growing.

Originally we were thinking July/August for IVF now we’re throwing around October/November. Listen to how ridiculous my reasoning is…

My ILs really annoy me. They truly are good people and I DO love them but man, oh man, do they get on my last nerve.

[For example, last Christmas, the discussion of child labor came up. My MIL used to be a Brad.ley Meth.od instructor. My FIL asked if I thought I’d use an epidural when I had a baby. I said that I wasn’t sure. He proceeded to tell me, ‘No grandchild of mine will be born with an epidural!’ I think there was steam coming out of my ears. Who the heck is he to decide how I will have a child. I told him when he gets a vag.ina and squeezes a child out of it, he can do it however he chooses but my vag.ina = my decision! Jerk!!!]

So onto the possibly postponed IVF…my SIL’s birthday is in April, FIL’s birthday is in May and my MIL’s birthday is in June. None of these months are safe! I feel completely ridiculous that I even care. (And I’ve prayed that God would take away the negative feelings I have about this.) After telling the hubs my thoughts about a baby born April-June I really did see how outrageous it was and I took it all back. I can’t believe I’m even admitting to having such absurd feelings about my ILs. I really do want a child…in any month. I’m not as immature as I sound, promise!

Anyway, the hubs decided that waiting until Oct/Nov might actually be smart because my grandma will have more money to give us by then and it could be a big money saver.

So…now we’re thinking much later this year might be the smarter choice (even without my stupid IL reasoning.) Sadly, this means that I have to dig deep and find some patience to get me to the end of the year. At least five months of waiting…ugh! I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Oh…and stop by and send some hugs to Clare. She just found out that she is going to miscarry. Her 8-week old baby no longer has a heartbeat.

My Easter Present

2010-04-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned on Twit.ter last week, the hubs sprung it on me that he doesn’t want to wait until 2011 for IVF (like we had discussed,) he wants to get this show on the road. His actual words were, “I don’t think I can wait that long.” It was really pretty cute! It was one of the first times I realized he really has the urgency to be a parent also.

(The hubs also decided he’d love to have a May/June baby. I had no clue he even had an opinion about this. He said it was because he doesn’t want me to have to endure pregnancy during summer. It was so cute considering this isn’t even a concern of mine. I’ll take a baby ANY time of year! )

So, we were mulling it over all weekend. We finally sat down and ran some numbers. Although it’s not an ideal plan (but when are fertility treatments ever the ‘ideal’ plan,) we’ll be able to make it work!!!

After we got home from the IL’s for Easter dinner (which I actually survived without any wine, yea me!) I was talking to my grandma. One of my I-don’t-have-a-job-I-live-off-the-government cousins (from my other side of the family, not this grandma’s side) is having his THIRD baby (second baby mama.) My grandma was just appalled! “Why are they having more children when they can’t support the ones they have?!” I told her that I have the same questions. We started talking to her about our next steps with treatments. I told her about the IVF plan and that we can make it work this year but it’ll be tight. Out of no where, she said that she wasn’t sure if she could give us the full $13k but she thinks she can give us $10,000!!!!!!!!!!!!! $10,000???

My grandma has money but I know that she is always concerned that she’ll run out. I had hoped she’d offer $1k or $2k and I would’ve been eternally grateful for that. Even when I fantasized about more, I imagined she’d offer to pay 50%. Never, did I EVER, think she’d offer nearly ALL of the money!!! NEVER!!!

I immediately got chills, tears welled up in my eyes, I couldn’t get any words out. I was just…floored!!! The hubs told her that she shouldn’t feel obligated. The fact that she even offered ANY money was so appreciated! She said she was just happy to help. I’m still in shock! My grandma doesn’t handle any of her finances so she said she still needs to check with my dad to make sure she can do it but I know enough about her finances to know, she can.

Prior to this weekend’s developments, I was getting to the point of calm (I don’t think calm is really the right word, let’s just say I was dealing with it okay.) I was coming to terms with no more IUI’s or even RE appointments and I started using my fertility monitor again to see when I’m ovulating this month (CD18=nada, FYI.) Now that we’re actually talking about IVF this year, I’m over the top!!! I’m trying not to count my eggs just yet (pun intended!) but I am elated!

It really does look like we'll be able to do IVF this year!!!

IVF Consult Post

2010-04-01T14:46:00.000-07:00

Here’s the post I owe you… =)

I survived the final IUI BFN. I drown (drowned?) my sorrows in WAY too many beers on St Patty's day (wow, was that seriously two weeks ago?!?) I'm actually ashamed at how much I drank with the sole purpose to forget. Obviously, I still remembered the BFN the next morning and also had a doozy of a hangover to deal with. Not so smart!

We had the big IVF consult last week. Thank you SO much to all you wonderful ladies that responded to my call for IVF questions to ask my RE and advice. I really appreciate the input! This is just a rundown of some thing answers we got. I hope some of it can be helpful to those of you getting ready for your own consult. I know that the comments from the IVF pros I got were SO helpful. That is where most of my questions came from.

What does the doctor recommend for us? This is explained a little more in detail below. I’m not sure of the exact meds that I’d be on (I either forgot to ask or I just forgot what he said.) The plan is to do 50% ICSI if the sample is ideal. This way we can see how the sperm interact with the egg in a “natural” setting. He also recommends PICSI to get the best sperm. If the sample isn’t ideal, we’ll do 100% ICSI. He’ll transfer 2-3 embryos based on quality.

What meds will I be on? Lupron to start. That’s all I can remember. I did ask if I’d have to endure the evil PIO IM shots and he said yes. I’m a trooper though and if it gets me to a BFP, I’ll do it!!!

How long will my IVF cycle be? He said I'd start Lupron on day 21 of my cycle. Then start stims on day 3 (or maybe it was 5.) 8-10 days of stims, then trigger.

How often will I be seen for monitoring? Every 3 days or so, depending on reaction to stims.

Will insurance cover any of the IVF? Meds only (except Lupron) – which is freakin’ awesome!

Is there a shared risk plan available? YES! It’s a significant savings too! (Cost breakdown below.) If we purchase multiple IVFs and I get pregnant on the first we lose the extra money we paid for the other IVF(s). If I miscarry within the first trimester, I can still use the second IVF.

How many embryos will he transfer? His goal is to transfer 2-grade A, 8-cell embryos. If I don't have excellent quality embies, he'd consider transferring 3 lesser quality embies.

What does he expect my response to be? (Just an estimation based on past stim cycles and my age) He hopes to retrieve about 15 eggs from me, about 10 to be mature and hopefully 7 to makes it to transfer/freeze.

What is the chance that I will have OHSS? He said that there is a pretty decent chance that I will have mild OHSS (mild discomfort and bloating,) about a 20% chance of moderate OHSS (moderate discomfort and bloating) and a small chance for severe OHSS that requires medical intervention.

Will we aim for a 3dt or 5dt? I think he said that we'd aim for a 3dt. I'm second guessing my hearing abilities since so many of you mentioned that a 5dt is ideal. Hmm... I’ll definitely clear up the confusion when the time comes.

Would he suggest ICSI for us? We agreed to see what the hubs' sample looks like on the day of ER. Assuming the sample will be as good (or better) as they have been in the past and we get a good number of mature eggs from me, we'll ICSI 50% and let the other half do their thing "naturally" to see how the sperm work with the egg. There could always be a chance that our issues lie in the sperm penetrating the egg. If the hubs' sample isn't ideal and/or they don't retrieve an ideal number of eggs, we'll ICSI all the eggs for the best chances.

Would he suggest assisted hatching for us? Based on my age, no. But if he sees that the shell of my egg(s) is hardened for some reason, he'll use assisted hatching.

Bedrest? He said I won't need bed rest after the ER but I'll need 2 additional days past the ET of bed rest. Does this sound right? I think I've read that a few of you have significant pain after ER.

And finally, cost? Based on my age, the cost for one IVF is $7,000 (which includes all office visits, blood work, embryologist, lab work, ER and ET.) The cost for two IVFs is $8,900 and the cost for three IVFs is $10,900. ICSI is $1,500 in addition. PICSI is $500, operating fees and anesthesia is $1,250, and embryo freezing (assuming we have embies to freeze) is $850 (for freezing and one year of storage.)

We’re planning on doing the two IVF plan for $8,900 and also the rest of the extras. So we’re currently doing our best to save $13,000 ASAP. It seems like SO much money but I know that we can do it. I struggle with wanting to see that money in our savings account so that I can have a baby and stay home (or just stay home longer before returning to work.)

I know this sounds silly but I don’t want to get pregnant naturally before starting IVF. I don’t want to be another on of those “as soon as I stopped trying, I got pregnant” clichés. I know, I know…it’s ridiculous. (You know what I mean though, right?!?!) The reality is, I will be overjoyed with saving $13k, the extra stress, the turmoil on my body, etc…to get BFP naturally. I will…promise!!!

So I’m curious how my RE stacks up against yours with IVF cost and plan of action. If anyone wants to volunteer their cost and protocol, I’d love to hear.

I owe you a post...

2010-03-31T10:10:00.000-07:00

But I just can't get it together. I think I'm processing after the 5th, and final, IUI. We had the IVF consult and we don't have enough money (and won't for another 9 months!) so we're just at a stand still.

My brain is just on overload. I do have lots that I want to blog about, I just can't seem to muster up the energy (or arrange all my thoughts neatly.)

I am okay though. I'm just trying to turn off the part of my brain that wants a baby NOW so that we can save up for IVF and not go crazy in the mean time. So much easier said than done.

I'll be back with a real post soon. Promise...

IVF Time

2010-03-18T17:10:00.001-07:00

Since my IVF consult is on Tuesday afternoon, I wanted to see if any of you IVF gals have any advice for me. Are there any questions I should make sure to ask? Is there anything you didn't know prior to IVF that you want to tell me about? I would love your input.

Sigh

2010-03-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

Incase you didn’t read the brief post earlier today, I tested bright and early (actually it wasn’t bright at all at 5am) this morning and saw, yet another, BFN! Jerk!!!

I’ve gone through the gambit of emotions today. This morning I was mostly cranky (apparently its PMS,) this afternoon it was tears when I texted my best girlfriends to tell them the news and now, I’m…well, I don’t even know how I feel. Numb, I guess is the word that best describes how I’m feeling.

I can deal with my own disappointment but I can’t handle seeing the hubs get so bummed. I feel like I’m letting him down each month that those stupid tests show that I’ve failed to conceive (aka missed conception.) Ugh!

I’ve already called the RE’s office. I wanted to know if I can stop the progesterone. Aside from them being gross and uncomfortable, I want my period to get here already. The nurse said that would be fine. I hope to see AF sometime this weekend. I’ve already schedule our IVF consult for next week. Gotta know what the next step is. Whether we’re ready for it yet, I don’t know.

It figures that I have the green light (green, get it?) to drink all the green beer I want tonight and the last thing I want to do is go out. If we weren’t meeting a friend that we haven’t seen in forever, I wouldn’t be going. I’d be drowning my sorrows with beer from the comfort of my bed…where I’ll probably be for the next few days.

So ladies…its time for you to be announcing your BFPs already. Let’s see some good news out there! If it’s not me, let it be you!!! Happy St. Patrick’s day!!!

It's green beer for me =(

2010-03-17T06:46:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to let you know that its a BFN for me. I didn't want to keep you guys in suspense for too long. I'll write more later. Thanks for all the prayers and positive thoughts.

TWW is almost over!

2010-03-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

I’ve been avoiding my blog for a while so that I don’t dwell on my tww. I’ve done fairly well, if I do say so myself. Today is 11dpIUI. I’ve been having mild AF-like cramps for the last few days and a backache today but I know that even if it is AF, she will be here later than normal because of the progesterone I’m on. Last time I took the prog, she was three days late and I started to get my hopes up. Not this time! Nope!!! No foolin’ me!

Instead, I’m not going to let her be there bearer of bad news. I’m planning to test early. Usually I fight the urge to test early. This time, it’s the plan. I’m testing tomorrow morning. I need to know if I’m drinking green beer tomorrow night!

Fingers crossed friends!!! Fingers, legs, arms…or anything else you can cross! And say and extra prayer or two for me too!

Acupuncture Report #4 and #5 (I'm so behind)

2010-03-10T12:57:00.000-08:00

Acu #4...

I left work early this day because I had the most insane migraine. It was right after I started my period and had a migraine/headache all weekend. It sucked! I haven't had a period migraine in almost two years. I tried to go to work and deal with it (it was only a headache when I woke up) but as the day did it's thing, I felt like I was going to pass out from pain. I took some of my prescription migraine meds that make me feel all floaty so I figured I'd head home instead of falling asleep at my desk. I was able to schedule my acu appointment so I could stop there on the way home.

Maybe I just had too high of expectations but I really though acu would help the migraine. It did the complete opposite. I don't rememeber much of the appointment but I know I told her that I had the most massive headache and I left work early because of it. She said that it might have been the herbs for that week because they were to tonify my blood. At the end of the appointment she put little stickers in my left ear. I think she called them 'sids' or something. They were tiny marbles under sticky tape that I was supposed to push when I had a headache, or something like that.

So the entire ride home, I was massaging, pushing and holding those stinkin' things. I thought it was magic. It felt better!!! Until...I stopped. I pushed those things so much my ear swelled up and turned red. It felt like my entire ear was bruised BUT while I had my fingers on those little buttons, I had relief.

I heavily medicated for the entire night which left me feeling like my head was full of cotton balls. No fun! That was the end of the headaches though.

Acu #5

This was my first appointment during injections. I started injections that Sunday and had my appointment that Monday. Although she specializes in infertility, I don't feel like she understood the treatments. She must have asked me over a dozen times (during the course of my five visits) if I'm sure I've never had a positive pregnancy test. Really?!? No, I'm lying.

Anyway, I told her that I was hesitant about doing the potion part of the treatment while I was undergoing fert treatments (considering last week she thought they could've been the cause of my migraine.) I just didn't want to risk feeling icky because of the herbal potion AND the shots. She sort of ignored my concerns and told me it would be fine. I went with it.

This was the first appointment that she put needles into my stomach. They were a tiny bit more sensitive than some other spots but not nearly as much as I thought they'd be. I survived.

Before this appointment, I wondered how I would ever be able to stop going. Not because I loved it that much but because I always schedule my next appointment at the end of the current appointment. I wasn't sure how I'd be able to say, "um, let me just call you later to schedule the appointment" without looking suspicious. Well, at the end of this appointment she told me to call after my check up with the RE the following day and make a pre-IUI appointment. So...I just never called back.

Do I recommend it???

I do! I went there with the intention of feeling better overall. I felt relaxed during my appointments and I felt like the potions were helping.

My concern was the price. When I scheduled my first appointment, it was $45 a session. I can totally do that. When I had the appointment, she asked if I was willing to take herbs. I said yes, knowing that it would cost extra. That appointment turned out to be $85!!! Each appointment after that was $80. For some reason, when I did the math, I thought each month I was paying $240 for acu. That wasn't too bad and I could manage...until I realized that $80 x 4(weeks per month) = $320!!! Nope, no thanks. I just can't do it. I can be saving that $320 to get ready for IVF or IUI #5 baby!

So that was my experience with acu.

IUI #5b / Weekend

2010-03-07T12:26:00.000-08:00

This post is long overdue since IUI #5, part 2 was on Friday.

This appointment was beyond uneventful...especially compared to part 1 appointment.

The hubs and I went to this appointment together. Got there ten minutes early for his part of the appointment. Traffic was still a &itch (like it always is out here) but we left with plenty of time. After the hubs did his thing, we went out for breakfast. We got back really early for my appointment but the RE was late. The hubs asked if this was his payback for us being so late the day before. LOL! Didn't matter to me.

The IUI, although more uncomfortable than the day prior, went well. The hubs sample was 91% motile and 38 million. We verified that four follies on the right had already ov'd. The RE thought that at least one more follie on the left would ov.

I had some pretty intense cramps and horrible back aches for the rest of the day. Probably didn't help that we were in the car for three hours headed down to the pregnant BFF's place (its only 1.5 hours away...gotta love the LA traffic.) I'm pretty sure I felt the follie on the left ov that night.

We went down to BFF's for an overnight stay to go with her to an u/s to see what kind of baby she's having. (Remember her? She's the accidentally pg one that has a 7 month old that is sicky.) She's having an alien boy! We're counting on him not looking like an alien forever but he'll probably still be a boy! She handled it pretty well. Other than wanting a little girl, since she already has a boy, the chances of a little boy having whatever medical issues her first little one has are greater than if he was a little girl. I'm still praying that this little one will be completely healthy and able to help heal her first. Anything is possible with God!!!

I handled the u/s pretty well. There's always a chance that the emotions can sneak up on me but they didn't. I even held her when she shed a few tears. She would do the same for me...she has. We went to lunch and even picked the new baby's name. It was way too easy this time around. I made a suggestion, they both loved it and it was done. His middle name will be after my hubs (and it helps that its also a family name for them.)

And...our other friends in Texas had a baby last week. They called us last night to ask us to be his legal guardians should something horrible happen to them. They said that they know we would be wonderful parents and raise him in the same way they would. I seriously had to choke back the tears (choking them back now as I type this.) It was the sweetest thing someone could say to us right now. Of course, I hope to enjoy their little one WITH them!

That was pretty much the IUI and most of the weekend. I'm still pretty uncomfortable. Guessing that's the gargantuan ovaries I'm packing in my abdomen. The RE told me to take it easy since they're cystic. I'm doing just that...being completely lazy!

IUI #5a

2010-03-04T18:33:00.000-08:00

This appointment was full of stress! No fun at all!!!

The hubs had a work appointment 2.5 hours away today. I knew, when we set the IUI appointment, this was no good. Sure enough, this is LA and the traffic blows. His appointment was for 2pm. He called me at 1:30 to say he was an hour away (an hour away when there's magically NO traffic.) Ugh! I called the RE's office to let them know and they had their voicemail on. Ugh! I finally left a message. I called back at his appointment time. I was worried they would want to cancel us since there was someone else's washing and IUI immediately after ours. But...they're wonderful and told us to still come in and they'd make it work.

I got to the RE's office right behind the hubs. No, literally, right behind him as we pulled into the parking lot. He was 45 minutes late! Aaahhhh!!! He raced in. I was thoroughly annoyed that he went to his work meeting knowing that we had this important appointment in the afternoon. I was holding it all in though. I didn't want to stress him out. I needed a good sample!!!

When I got into the RE's office, the nurse pulled me aside. She told me he had just gotten there and that my actual IUI would be much later since the sample was so late (which wouldn't be a problem if we didn't have another appointment to sign some papers right after the IUI - I rescheduled). She also told me not to yell at him. LOL! I didn't!

Luckily, the hubs doesn't stress easily and was able to perform without a hitch. Woo hoo!!! We went for a quick snack while the nurses did the washing. On our way out of the office, the 3pm sample man was getting there. Then I started with the nonsense worrying that they could mix my hubs' sample with his. I tweeted about my irrational worries and was assured it wouldn't happen. I'm pretty sure it didn't! I asked the hubs if he recognized the sample when they brought it in and he said yes. Phew! ;-)

The sample was pretty good. 87% motility and 80 million. The u/s showed that lefties follies grew significantly so, although he didn't measure and read me the numbers, I counted six pretty large follies (4 on the right and 2 on the left) and three fairly large follies (1 on the right and 2 on the left.) None had ov'd yet.

Then we got to sit in 2 hours of traffic to get home. Ugh! Home now though...what a day!!!

Stay tuned for IUI #5b...

CD 10 Check Up

2010-03-02T18:42:00.000-08:00

I am a little bummed about my appointment today. Looks like a few of the follies I had didn't grow much since Saturday. Granted, that still leaves me with 4-6 that will still ovulate (God willing!) so I shouldn't be bummed at all. Righty had a 18mm, 17mm, and a 14mm. Lefty had a 16.5mm, and two 14mm.

Saturday we helped the besties move. I can't help by wonder if all the strenuous activity did something to the follies that made them stop growing. Gotta love that ridiculous, hormonal guilt I apply to myself.

Oh, and Saturday I found out that one of my RE's nurses is off for a while. She's the not-so-quick nurse that always messes things up. She's just a little scatterbrained but she really stresses me out because timing all the meds and appts is crucial so the ditziness really doesn't fly with me. Anyway, she's on disability for a while because she's pregnant!!! Seriously?!?! Pregnant nurses should NOT be allowed to work at an infertility doctor's office. I'm glad she's not working right now. I hope that whatever complications she's experiencing are resolved but I really don't want to see her dingy, pregnant self in the office unless I'm there for my own pregnancy. Is that too much to ask?!

One final shot of Brav.elle tonight, trigger at 11pm tomorrow, IUI#5a Thursday and IUI#5b is Friday.

CD7 Check Up

2010-02-28T19:08:00.000-08:00

Saturday was my CD7 check up to see how I'm responding to Brav.elle.

The verdict: AWESOME!!!

We have FIVE follies (7.5mm, 8mm, 9mm, 10mm, and 11mm)...on the left side!!! AND...FOUR follies (9.5mm, 10.5mm, 10.5mm, and 11) on the right side!!! Holy crap! NINE FOLLICLES!!! (I will say that the number doesn't really frighten me at this point. With the last injectable cycle I did, we had eight follies and verified that at least five ovulated and still nada. So, I'm not going to get worked up with that number just yet...I'm thinking about it, just not worked up over it.)

RE said that he liked that all the follies are all growing in succession (I think that was the word he used.) He said I was a little ahead of schedule so we might be shortening this cycle. I'll have a CD10 check up on Tuesday and potentially trigger Tues. night and do IUI's Wednesday and Thursday.

Fingers crosssed! This IS the cycle!!! Bring on some TWINS!!!! (Oh please God, let this be the time it works!!! Amen)

I'll admit it...

2010-02-24T10:32:00.000-08:00

I'm scared to death that this final medicated cycle won't work!

I don't think I realized it until today. I was reading Hannah's post about loving the (2)WW. While I definitely don't love the (2)WW, I get what she's saying. It's during that wonderful two weeks that I actually have hope. I dream about what theme the nursery will decorated in and what name he/she will have. Of course, the end of that wait, all of the dreams are shattered with that stupid BFN, but for that two weeks, there's a chance.

When I'm not under the RE's care or going through treatments, I don't have much hope. I go with the flow, BD'ing on the appropriate days, but I don't expect anything. I don't always know when I'm in the (2)WW, so I don't fantasize about the miracle that could be. On the flip side, not fully experiencing the (2)WW, means the BFN doesn't sting quite as bad.

Last night we started the final round of IUI treatment. I sat my nerves aside and welcomed the first Brav.elle injection. I can't say that I enjoyed it but it was a very somber moment. I don't even want to think about this not working. IVF is way down the road for us (mostly financially) so I know, if this doesn't work, we're on our own for a while.

I'm going to do my best to be in the moment this time around. If this cycle does result in my first ever BFP, I want to savor each moment that got me to that point. I'm going to continue to welcome each nightly shot with peace and calm. I'm going to pray for all the follies that will be maturing and possibly becoming my beautiful babies. I'm going to cherish the time that the hubs and I have as a couple because it will hopefully be short-lived.

Mostly, I'm going to just focus on being positive. I'm going to thank God for all the chances that we have had to work with an RE up to this point. I'm going to be grateful for the constant support that I've had from my hubs and even my family. And...I'm going to love my (2)WW, even if it ends in a BFN, because that is God's plan for us right now.

*I still reserve the right to be a nervous, basket case in upcoming posts regarding this cycle - I'm still human afterall. LOL!*

**I'm also working on my fourth acu report. Check back for that in the next day or two.

The real biatch!

2010-02-21T12:24:00.000-08:00

She's here...the real biatch...AF! After Spot showed up Wed and Thurs, I fully expected AF Friday. I woke up to what I thought was her visit and schedule my CD1 appointment. The u/s showed that it was not AF and just another appearance by Spot. So weird. I was even more weirded out that the RE could actually see on the u/s that I hadn't really had my period yet. Who knew? I waited 'patiently' for AF all weekend and only woke up to find her (for reals this time) today! She brought her evil friends cramps, backache and headache too. Good news is that IB (inner biatch) is long gone. Thank the Lord (and I know the hubs fully agrees!)

I do have to mention what a blessing it is that AF was two days late this month. I start my Bra.velle on CD3. Well, if I had seen AF on Friday, like I thought, I would've started injections on Monday- the day when the hubs works a 24-hour shift. He wouldn't be around to give me the first shot. I would've made do with that but its just a little less stressful to have the hubs around for shot number one.

I'm looking forward to what Cycle 19 has to offer. Good news??? Let's hope!

The biatch is back

2010-02-19T10:24:00.000-08:00

and I'm not talking about AF! I'm talking about the inner biatch (IB) that peaks her ugly face out when AF is on her way. I haven't seen IB in a while. I'm used to seeing inner emotional self these days. But nope, IB got here Tuesday and she's got it out for the hubs. I'm just really irritable and snap at the smallest things especially when the hubs us invading my personal space (in my opinion, of course) in the kitchen. I really work much better in the kitchen ALONE. I snapped, then I felt bad, then he told me I was being obnoxious (I was, I can admit that now,) then I got mad because he was being mean, then I felt bad and apologized. It was a long night.

Last night, the hubs jokingly (I think...I hope!) prayed for a 9 month break from IB! LOL! I prayed right along with him though. Although IB is here a lot less than inner emotional self, IB makes her presence known much more!

I'm really hoping IB is on her way out of here. Spot showed up Wednesday (right when I thought he'd be here,) then he came back Thursday (what?!?!) Today its limbo. I should be seeing AF today if that really was Spot on Wednesday. I'd really like for her to show up so I can schedule my CD1 appointment and get going with the final medicated cycle/IUI's. Let's get this show on the road already...

Evening brings forth the beast!

2010-02-15T20:34:00.000-08:00

The chocolate beast!!!

I'm pretty certain this is just a side effect of AF's imminent visit but I WANT CHOCOLATE!!!

I just ate a yummy dinner (full of fried food and carbs!) but I'm having a serious craving for some good chocolate. Not the kind you get at the grocery store. I want the kind that sends me to the specialty chocolate story (Se.es Candies for me please!!!) I'll be headed there tomorrow to spend one of my one pound gift certificates .

Diet will resume...umm, next week. Yeah! Next week!

At this point, I'm totally ready for AF. Bring it on &itch. Just get here so we can move on.

Acupuncture Report #3

2010-02-15T16:42:00.000-08:00

Today’s acu appointment was rather uneventful. Only six needles and lots of good meditation/prayer time. I realized, as a person that fears needles greatly, acu isn’t all that bad. I forget the gauge of the needles but they are seriously tiny, like a strand of hair. The initial stick of the needle is nothing like injections, its nearly painless. My only suggestion to anyone that feels the way I do about needles is, don’t look at them. I made that mistake today. More than half of the inch and half-long needle was in my skin. Holy moley! After a few deeeeeep breaths, I was able to put it out of my mind.

Also, if you want to know how much you talk with your hands, have someone put needles in them and then ask you questions. While I have needles in my hands, I might as well be in a straight jacket. Movement is not an option. I’ve mentioned it before, it freaks me out. So when the doctor starts asking me questions, I realize the instant urge I have to use my hands to get my point across. Since I can’t do that, I feel like she’s not understanding a work I’m saying. Of course, that’s all in my head.

Today, I’m in a very somber mood. I’m guessing it’s the impending AF (even though I have no idea when to actually expect her since I didn’t use OPK’s this time) and all the emotions that she brings with her. It also probably has something to do with this next injectable/IUI cycle being that last one before venturing into the IVF world (which, btw, is not even something we’re considering until 2011.) The mood could also be because I spent four days with pregnant BFF and her 7-month old. It was just another reminder of what I’m missing in my own life. In any case, I’m feeling…blah. I’m still working on being content but sometimes the icky feelings are stronger than the desire I have to feel content. It’s all part of this nasty IF process though. I know I won’t feel like this forever…God, I hope not!

PS… A: I’m waiting until my fourth appointment (a month of appointments) with acu to let you know if I recommend it and actually see a difference. I’ll keep you posted. I did shop around for a cheap doctor. I have Kais.er so my acu is not covered through them but they do have a list of acu doctors that offer discounts to Kais.er patients. Each appointment with the acu doctor is $40. Definitely the cheapest I was able to find in my area…by about $60.

PPS… Nicole: Thanks for pointing out my sidebar. Apparently, I was stuck in 2009. All better now.

Acupuncture Report #2

2010-02-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

Monday was my second acu appointment. This appointment was a lot less exciting than the last. She mostly asked me how I was feeling after the last session and a week on the herbs (or as I call it, the "potion"). I guess last week's potion was for warming. She's concerned that I'm always cold since because of my circulation issues. The first night after a full day of the potion, I had the most insane hot flash/night sweat. I couldn't be under the covers and I couldn't fall asleep because I was so hot. Very interesting!

The needle portion was a little more painful this time but also a little more relaxing. She put one needle in my ankle, between that knobby bone and the Achilles tendon. It hurt insanely! Then she told me to relax my leg so that my ankle rolled to the side...umm, NO!!! All I could envision was rolling my ankle to the side and pressing the needle into my bone! No thanks. I guess she could tell that I was tense so she took out the needle. Thank the Lord! She then put another needle into a really random spot on the inside of my calf. WHOA!!! It must have been doing whatever it was supposed to do because it felt like it was lightly charged with electricity. I couldn't decide if it hurt or not. Weird.

After inserting a few more needles (mostly in my hands,) she left the room giving me instructions to practice my breathing and meditate. I did the only meditative thing I know how to do...pray! I went through a mental list...my husband, mom, dad, brother, BFF, blog buddies, etc... It was awesome! I'm sad to admit, I haven't had uninterrupted time with God in a long time. It was very nice. Exactly what I needed.

The appointment was over soon after the meditation. This week's potion is to help with my lack of energy. We'll see how that goes.

I had a slight "oh man!" moment at the appoitnment. She asked when I'll be starting my next period. Oh man...I don't know!!! You see, usually I use OPK's to see when I'm going to ov. I've always ov'd 14 days after a positive OPK. Well, rebellious me, I didn't want to use OPKs this cycle. Now...I don't know when I should be expecting AF. So annoying! I'm assuming I ov'd sometime between Monday and Friday LAST week, so I should be seeing AF sometime between Monday and Friday NEXT week. Ugh, a five day window. So annoying! What was I thinking! I don't even know when to test early (since that's what I always do.) If I'm supposed to see AF Monday, I could test as early as Friday but if AF won't be here until Thursday, a test on Friday would be a waste. Aaahhhh!!! So, I guess I'll be skipping the testing and wait for AF "patiently." After all, I'm so excited {insert sarcasm} to start an injectable cycle once AF shows up.

***Thanks for all the comments about being a glutton for punishment. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone. Sometimes the hubs looks at me like I'm crazy and asks me why I do that to myself. I don't know!!! I'm just happy to hear I'm not the only one. Thanks!