Goodbye Sweet Angel

Last week, we had our appointment with the final specialist to learn more about and do the reduction. As I've mentioned time and time again, I didn't want to be in the position to be the one stopping my sweet daughter's heart. I was hoping and praying that God would take her before then.

Well, He did!!!

We had our consultation with the doctor, discussed the potential procedure and then had an ultrasound. Within seconds, I knew...and then she confirmed. Her heart was no longer beating.

I thought I would cry but I didn't. I just felt so relieved.

The swelling around her head had increased 2mm since the ultrasound one week prior. It was up to 14mm. Nearly a half an inch of fluid surrounded her head! Which is crazy to consider since her body, crown-to-rump, was only about three inches long. She was very sick!

I'd like to imagine that God is sitting in a giant rocking chair and he's holding her sweet body, snuggling her and telling her how much He loves her. Exactly what I wish I could be doing.

I know that she is "better off." I am very grateful that she is at complete peace. There is no more fighting for her. She is hanging out with her brother/sister and all of your sweet angel babies too! They're dancing and celebrating!

Baby A is doing wonderfully! He (IT'S A BOY!!!) is still measuring a few days ahead. He's a mover and kicker although I'm still not feeling any of that just yet. The hubs asked if he knew that his sister was dead. I told him I didn't know but the thought breaks my heart!

The night of the final ultrasound, I woke up in the middle of the night to very heavy bleeding. It was a repeat of the occurrence that happened a week prior, well, minus the murder scene bit. I used 10 pads in less than four hours. It finally let up a bit when I got up for the day. I emailed my high risk doctor. I wasn't as panicked as I had been in the past though. I knew that even if this was my body miscarrying our daughter, putting our son in jeopardy, there wasn't going to be anything the doctor could do.

The doctor told me that I had some clotting in my uterus and as Baby B's sac started to "deflate" (as it disintegrates) I might start to pass some of the clots and bleed a bit. This was far heavier than that but I just assume that's what it is.

Almost a week later, I'm still spotting. It's older blood now and less worrisome. I have a feeling this is just par for the course for this pregnancy.

My next appointment is with the high risk OB on Friday and then Monday I'll be seeing my regular OB since I haven't actually seen him at all yet.

That's the update. We're trying to transition to being excited to give Gavin a brother. I'm trying to stop thinking that I'm pregnant with twins. This is definitely the suckiest thing ever (that's the understatement of the century!) but we still have a very healthy baby growing inside of my tummy and, God willing, we will be meeting him in September!

Thank you all for your sweet comments! Thank you for the prayers, encouraging words and all the thoughts you've been sending our way. Sadly, through these posts, I've "met" people who have been through this or something similar. Your words have been very comforting.

I few weeks ago, I mentioned in a post that I was struggling with the baby's body just disintegrating and "going away." It makes me feel like she just doesn't exist, and clearly she does. Well, Hillary left me a great comment with a different perspective. She wrote: As a fellow baby loss momma (one miscarriage and one stillbirth) I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. My initial thought was to tell you not to think of it as strange to have a baby that will never leave your body. She will be your little girl that you will always have with you for the rest of your life! Maybe in the future you will be able to take some comfort in the fact that her little cells etc. will always be a part of you! I would give anything to be able to say that about my 2 little angels! It really does bring me great comfort to think that our sweet daughter will always be a part of me! Not only will I carry her in my heart forever but I will carry the tiniest bit of her physical being with me too.

Appointment Update

After the ER visit, we weren't really surprised to see that Baby B's heart was still beating at our follow-up appontment.

We met with the pernatologist on Tuesday. The bleeding I experienced earlier this week seems to be caused by Baby B's low-lying placenta. It most likely tore a bit. They could see a small pool of blood on the ultrasound. This also complicates the situation because a blood clot could encourage the miscarriage we're trying to avoid.

Our baby girl's heart is still beating. The swelling has increased around her head significantly. The pressure around her tiny body is keeping her from growing properly. She's measuring over two weeks behind (she was only a week behind a week and a half ago.) Her organs are all significantly underdeveloped or missing. Her stomach is starting to move into her omphalacele. The more we see her in the ultrasounds, the more we see just how sick she is. Even the doctor was shocked to see her heart still beating. She is such a strong girl! I am so proud to be her mommy.

We were referred to another specialist to discuss reduction. We are wholeheartedly praying that she will be home resting with Jesus when we go for that appointment next week (Tues 2pm,) then we won't need to discuss the details of a reduction. Please pray with us that God takes her home before that appointment!

Never a dull moment!

First, thank you to whoever (whomever?) submitted me for LFCA. It is sweet that someone wanted to bring me even more support and encouragement when I need it the most. THANK YOU!!!


Last night/early this morning was rough.

I didn't fall asleep until 11pm last night, which is VERY late for me. Something startled me awake at midnight. I don't know if there was a loud noise or I felt pain but I jolted awake. Within seconds, I felt a large gush.

I lept (leaped?) up and "ran" to the bathroom. When I got there I saw that my undies and pants were saturated with blood. I was very disoriented and stunned. Blood was trickling into the toilet. This pregnancy has been a bit of drama so I wasn'tfreaking out at that moment. I cleaned up, redressed and put on a pad.

As I'm walking back to the bedroom, I see blood...everywhere! Literally, drops on the floor, finger prints on the light switches, splattered (seriously, a three foot long splatter) blood on the wall and washing machine. I have NO CLUE how it could look like a murder scene in the hall when I was wearing underwear and pants. I was so confused and still don't have an explanation for it.

I cleaned it all up and went back to bed. As I laid in bed contemplating the seriousness of the situation, I started having cramps in my lower abdomen and back. They came in waves and I started to worry that they were contractions.

I began to wrap my head around the happenings. Was that initial gush Baby B's water breaking? Was my body trying to miscarry her...and possibly her twin too?

After about 15 minutes I felt another gush and went to the bathroom to see that I had soaked through the pad. I decided this was serious and I needed to go to the ER.

I'm so grateful we live with my parents. I woke them up. My mom came to sleep in our place to be close to G and my dad drove me to the hospital. The hubs is at work until sometime today.

To shorten the story, they did an ultrasound in the ER. Both babies have beating hearts. While I am overjoyed that Baby A is still doing well. I was shocked to see that Baby B's tiny, broken heart is still beating.

We're assuming that the bleeding is caused by a blood vessel since my uterus is still growing to accommodate two babies. This is very common.

Now tomorrow we see the perinatologist for "the" u/s to determine the next step for the babies. I was so certain that our daughter was already resting peacefully in heaven that I haven't allowed myself to think about what the specialist is going try to convince us. They want us to terminate Baby B immediately. While I know this is best for her and also her twin, I'm not sure I can ask them to stop her heart. I'm having a hard time with this both emotionally and morally. If it was up to pure logic, I wouldn't hesitate.

In the ER, I worried that both babies were going to miscarry and I was thinking how that could've been different if I had terminated two weeks ago when they first brought it up. If we continue to wait for her to die naturally and she miscarries, taking Baby A with her, I'm not sure I'll forgive myself.

So that's the most recent update.