You've got to be wondering...

...what happens to Baby B's body after she passes?

I know that at least a few of you had the passing thought. It was a question I asked my doctor.

The answer: Nothing.

I will carry a dead baby, along with living Baby A, throughout my pregnancy.

It's a terrible thought. I will be pregnant with twins even though one of them is not living.

The high risk OB described it as a pressed flower. Once her heart stops beating, the body, amniotic sac and placenta will no longer have blood flow and they will slowly start to "dry up." As Baby A grows (God willing,) he (oh yeah, I think Baby A is a boy now) will press against her and she will eventually disintegrate.

It's really hard for me to wrap my head around. The OB said that, at delivery, it will be hard to tell that there was another baby in there. That creeps me out and makes me so sad. She has left such a lasting impression in my life, it makes me sad to think that it'll be hard to see that she ever existed.

Beyond that, it concerns me that some of her sac could remain in my body after I have Baby A and cause me physical grief. I'll be discussing this with my regular OB at my next appointment (April 23.)

I'm also having a hard time understanding what is happening. Am I miscarrying? Technically, I will not physically be losing a baby. She won't even be stillborn because she will have "disintegrated" by birth.

It's just so eery. And sad. For the remainder of this pregnancy, I will be pregnant with twins but only expecting to have one baby. It almost makes me want to hide. I don't want unknowing people to ask about my pregnancy because it'll all just feel so fake.

Don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly overjoyed to be able to continue this pregnancy with one healthy baby but this isn't just a traditional singleton pregnancy and I feel like I can't pretend that's the case.

Also, our next ultrasound is Tuesday, April 3rd (the besty's birthday!) I'm sad to say that a successful appointment would show NO heartbeat. If there is still a heartbeat, the doctors will begin pushing for termination.

A Letter to my Daughter

Sweet Baby Girl,

Mommy already loves you so very much! Daddy and I wanted you so badly. You were not an accident or mistake. We are so grateful for you! Everything about you is absolutely perfect! Mommy wanted a little girl and now I have one - a perfect daughter!

You are an angel sent to us briefly. I'm not completely sure what the full impact your short presence has in our lives but I know that you have left a large footprint in your momma's heart. Our lives would not be the same without you.

I would give anything to hold you in my arms so that I could tell you just how much I love you. I hope you know! I think you are the bravest and strongest baby. You are fighting so hard to stay alive.

Mommy wants you to know, you don't have to fight anymore. Heaven waits for you! You have a very special brother/sister already waiting for you.

While I hate to say goodbye, I know that your life on earth will be full of suffering. I don't want you to suffer. This is not goodbye forever. I will see you one day and be able to hold you in my arms. You can introduce me to your brother/sister!

No matter what, mommy and daddy are so blessed by you. We are so grateful to be your parents. We will tell your big brother, Gavin, and your twin all about you and your amazing strength.

We will never forget you and how special you are.

I love you always,

Your proud mommy

Now, we wait...

I was able to get my CVS test scheduled quickly. It was yesterday afternoon.

The doctor I saw that was willing to do the test on a twin pregnancy happened to be the husband of the perinatologist that did my NT scan Wednesday.

Before proceeding with the CVS the doctor did a very thorough ultrasound.

He looked over baby A in a great detail. He said baby A is 'perfect!' It was nice to have that confirmation. This baby is also measuring right on track for 13 weeks. During the vaginal ultrasound the tech thought this baby was a girl but then during the abdominal ultrasound the tech though the baby was a boy. So the baby is a girl...or a boy!

Now, baby B...first off, "he" is actually a "she." Baby B is our precious daughter.

The doctor said that her omphalocele is extreme. The diameter of the omphalocele is nearly the same as the diameter of her body. Also, the swelling around the baby's head, which actually looks like a halo, is very severe. These two things alone are a strong indication of a chromosomal abnormality.

As the ultrasound progressed he recognized that she has a very under-developed jaw, cleft lip/palate, a club foot, six fingers on her tiny right hand, she is possibly missing one or both kidneys and she only has two chambers in her heart. The center membrane separating her heart in halves vertically just isn't there. The heart is beating but it's not adequately pumping blood.

 

At this point, he asked me why I wanted to do the CVS. He said that this baby was "very clearly, very unhealthy." In his mind, there was no doubt that this baby is suffering from a chromosomal abnormality. All of the ultrasound findings strongly point us in the direction of this tiny baby having Trisomy 13 or 18. We won't know since I opted out of the CVS.

 

He said that the CVS has a 1 in 100 chance for miscarriage. Would having a Trisomy diagnosis on paper be worth the risk (of both of our babies) based on all of the markers we saw in the ultrasound?

No.

 

He is confident this baby won't see life outside of the womb. I agree.

 

Now, we wait.

We wait to see if our daughter's heart will stop beating its own.

 

I can't believe that in this sick and twisted situation, I'm praying for God to stop my baby's heart. Just five months ago, when I was miscarrying, I was praying that God would give my baby a heartbeat.

 

The younger baby B is when she dies, the less risk she poses for baby A. I hate to think of this all so logically/scientifically but this is the reality.

 

As of now, we are praying that God would take our special angel home. Regardless of her physical handicaps, she is just as perfect as her brother/sister. She already wears her halo.

 

This is by far, leaps and bounds, the hardest thing we've had to do. I know that saying goodbye to our daughter gives her brother/sister the best chance of being a full-term, healthy newborn but that doesn't make it any easier.

 

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

FuckFuckFuck

That's how it's going right now.

I have a picture post getting you all caught up on the happs but I haven't finished it yet.


Today we had our NT scan for the twins. I'm 12 weeks 4 days.

Good news is, Baby A is perfect. Heartbeat of 163bpm (I'm thinking girl!)

Bad news is, Baby B isn't okay. Heartbeat of 140-something bpm (I'm feeling boy.) Sadly, he has a omphalocele. Basically, his insides are growing outside of his body. His body is lacking the important parts to contain his intestines and such inside of the abdomen.

Feel free to google it if you wish. I do not wish.

The bottom line, this is a VERY severe defect. There is severe swelling around his head caused by the trauma his tiny body is suffering.

The perinatologist said that this is a very severe ('severe' seems to be the only appropriate word) case of that big word above and she wouldn't guess that he would make it to term.


Here's where things get awful.

Should he die naturally in the next few weeks, my body would likely not try to miscarry. He would just be in there.

Should he die later in the pregnancy (past 20 weeks,) there is a likelihood that my body would try to miscarry him thus causing preterm labor for Baby A.

There is a chance that Baby B could make it to birth but he would need very extensive surgeries to keep him alive....assuming that there is nothing else wrong aside from the omphalocele. 40ish percent of babies with this defect have additional chromosomal issues.


Here's where we are...

We are going to do a CVS. This will give us a chromosomal work-up of the baby. We'll know if this is just a "side effect" of something much bigger (trisomy 13/18...) or "just" a physical handicap.

The discussion of reduction quickly came up. I can't even wrap my mind around the idea. It makes me want to throw up. Every thing about this makes me sick.

I'm handling it by thinking of it step-by-step. First things first, CVS. See what the results are and go from there.


I am feeling...furious! Scared. Numb. Lost.

I told God that I NEVER wanted to be pregnant again if it meant not having that baby in my arms. I didn't need to be pregnant with twins. Why would I be "blessed" with two babies for this to be the result?! Since I have group B strep, the CVS will have to be performed abdominally, aka...huuuuuuge ass needle into my stomach to collect the specimen. This t-e-r-r-f-i-e-s me! I don't even want to say twins anymore. I'm detaching already. I feel terrible that I'm doing this. I'm already abandoning my sweet baby.

Ugh! So many emotions. Another state of limbo.

Hopefully well have the CVS asap but even still, the results will take 7-10 days. It's nearly another 2-fucking-week wait.

This just sucks!