I had a few other posts planned as my first post after my absence but this came up and I decided to write about it first.
Recently a fellow blogger (AL) received a "less than encouraging" comment on a very honest post she wrote back in February. In this particularly raw post she talked about jealousy as an IF and the struggles she's having with it.
I appreciated her honesty so much!!! That is why I blog and, honestly, why I read blogs. No, I don't always agree with some people's honesty. And no, I don't leave comments telling them that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with voicing your opinions, thoughts and feelings. That is why we have our own personal blogs.
Anyway, I too have struggled (and continually do) with jealousy. Sure I'm on the other side of infertility (with a perfect 15-month old son and a second healthy boy baking away at 21.5 weeks now) but sadly, that does not erase the journey I've endured, the pain I've felt, the loss I've suffered, etc...
I understand that those still in the trenches want what I have, what AL has...a baby, but our "issues" with jealousy doesn't mean that we aren't so unbelievably grateful for our gifts. It means that we are human and it's hard to find our place in the blog world as a momma parenting after infertility.
This past week, I learned that a friend of mine (pregnant with baby #2, conceived naturally on their first month of trying) is having a daughter. Yes, I'm happy for her BUT I am so horribly, inexplicably sad that my daughter is in heaven. As she fills her closets with the most frilly and pink dresses for her sweet girl, I mourn the loss of mine (but continue to be grateful for her healthy twin brother.)
I feel guilty for not just embracing the son I'm carrying but...I am jealous that she is having a girl. There, I said it. I am also bitter and angry at times. Does it make me less worthy of my unborn son? NOPE! Does it mean that I don't want him? HELL NO!!! It just means that I'm human and I'm being honest. Will I be sending my friend some of the most overboard, pink, frilly, full-of-lace girl outfits I can find? Umm...YUP!!! Without a doubt!
I know that hearing about my jealousy when I already have a hard-earned son and now a second on the way is very hard for some to read. I was there. I remember thinking "yeah, that sucks that you lost one of your twins, but at least you still have a healthy baby en route" but now that I'm in those shoes...wow, I totally get it! You really can't understand unless you've worn these horribly uncomfortable shoes.
So, AL, thank you for your honesty. Thank you for being you and for NOT masking your feelings. You are not alone with your feelings and I'm glad that you wrote that post back in Feb. I wish you soooo much luck on the journey with baby #2!!!
And commenter, I am sooooo grateful for what I have. I promise, being jealous does not change that. I am so very sorry you are still in the trenches and have some serious challenges standing in your way. This sucks bawls!!! But...if you don't like reading blogs with pure honesty, don't. I spend each and every day of my real life pretending that my past (and current) heartaches with IF don't affect my everyday life. This blog, and I assume AL's too, is for being real. No fake smiley faces here.