Last night/early this morning was rough.
I didn't fall asleep until 11pm last night, which is VERY late for me. Something startled me awake at midnight. I don't know if there was a loud noise or I felt pain but I jolted awake. Within seconds, I felt a large gush.
I lept (leaped?) up and "ran" to the bathroom. When I got there I saw that my undies and pants were saturated with blood. I was very disoriented and stunned. Blood was trickling into the toilet. This pregnancy has been a bit of drama so I wasn'tfreaking out at that moment. I cleaned up, redressed and put on a pad.
As I'm walking back to the bedroom, I see blood...everywhere! Literally, drops on the floor, finger prints on the light switches, splattered (seriously, a three foot long splatter) blood on the wall and washing machine. I have NO CLUE how it could look like a murder scene in the hall when I was wearing underwear and pants. I was so confused and still don't have an explanation for it.
I cleaned it all up and went back to bed. As I laid in bed contemplating the seriousness of the situation, I started having cramps in my lower abdomen and back. They came in waves and I started to worry that they were contractions.
I began to wrap my head around the happenings. Was that initial gush Baby B's water breaking? Was my body trying to miscarry her...and possibly her twin too?
After about 15 minutes I felt another gush and went to the bathroom to see that I had soaked through the pad. I decided this was serious and I needed to go to the ER.
I'm so grateful we live with my parents. I woke them up. My mom came to sleep in our place to be close to G and my dad drove me to the hospital. The hubs is at work until sometime today.
To shorten the story, they did an ultrasound in the ER. Both babies have beating hearts. While I am overjoyed that Baby A is still doing well. I was shocked to see that Baby B's tiny, broken heart is still beating.
We're assuming that the bleeding is caused by a blood vessel since my uterus is still growing to accommodate two babies. This is very common.
Now tomorrow we see the perinatologist for "the" u/s to determine the next step for the babies. I was so certain that our daughter was already resting peacefully in heaven that I haven't allowed myself to think about what the specialist is going try to convince us. They want us to terminate Baby B immediately. While I know this is best for her and also her twin, I'm not sure I can ask them to stop her heart. I'm having a hard time with this both emotionally and morally. If it was up to pure logic, I wouldn't hesitate.
In the ER, I worried that both babies were going to miscarry and I was thinking how that could've been different if I had terminated two weeks ago when they first brought it up. If we continue to wait for her to die naturally and she miscarries, taking Baby A with her, I'm not sure I'll forgive myself.
So that's the most recent update.
9 comments:
Oh sweet friend, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how scary that must have been.
Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
If we continue to wait for her to die naturally and she miscarries, taking Baby A with her, I'm not sure I'll forgive myself.
I think your final statement is key to the emotional/moral struggles you're having. It will be an incredibly difficult decision to stop Baby B's heart , but since Baby B will sadly be meeting God sooner rather than later, I think your heart knows that it's important to give Baby A the best chance at life here on earth first.
Either way, I'm praying for you guys that you have the strength to make the decisions that need to be made. Hang in there...
There is just no easy part of this situation is there? I agree with Josey, I think you know in your heart what you have to do. That's not saying the decision will be made lightly and their won't be tears, and what ifs, but only you and your husband can make that decision. I'm thinking of you and your family!!
I'm with Josey.I think that God would completely understand the decision that might have to make if Baby B is still with you tomorrow. We have a loving and benevolent Lord that allows us one of the greatest gifts... that of choice. He would see (and I'm pretty sure almost everyone else around you) that you are helping B to Heaven just a little bit sooner so that her brother or sister has a much better chance. B would want that too I would think :). If I had a twin I would give anything for them. Prayers for you tomorrow!
xoxox
You are in a no-win situation and I"m so sorry about that. I don't have any advice, just love and understanding.
Please know I'll be thinking of you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you find the peace to make the best decision for you, and I know (or I think I know) that if it were me, I'd feel the same as you. I can't imagine how hard it must be to make this decision, even knowing logically the best route to take.
I can't tell you enough how sorry I am that you're having to go through this. I can't even begin to imagine what that's like and I certainly don't know the right answer. The only thing I can say is I believe in you and you have to do what you feel comfortable with. For now, I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Wow. I'm just catching up with everything. I am so, so sorry about what you are going through right now. I cannot imagine......
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Deanna,
This is the first time I have read your blog and your story breaks my heart. I recently terminated a very badly wanted pregnancy with the exact same u/s findings your baby B has -- and I skipped CVS as well due to the severity of the defects, which were detected at 10w3d. After my D&C the biopsy showed Trisomy 18. I am so happy for you that you have a healthy baby although I know how much you are hurting to lose your baby girl. Hang in there and all the best, Heather
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