Last week, we had our appointment with the final specialist to learn more about and do the reduction. As I've mentioned time and time again, I didn't want to be in the position to be the one stopping my sweet daughter's heart. I was hoping and praying that God would take her before then.
Well, He did!!!
We had our consultation with the doctor, discussed the potential procedure and then had an ultrasound. Within seconds, I knew...and then she confirmed. Her heart was no longer beating.
I thought I would cry but I didn't. I just felt so relieved.
The swelling around her head had increased 2mm since the ultrasound one week prior. It was up to 14mm. Nearly a half an inch of fluid surrounded her head! Which is crazy to consider since her body, crown-to-rump, was only about three inches long. She was very sick!
I'd like to imagine that God is sitting in a giant rocking chair and he's holding her sweet body, snuggling her and telling her how much He loves her. Exactly what I wish I could be doing.
I know that she is "better off." I am very grateful that she is at complete peace. There is no more fighting for her. She is hanging out with her brother/sister and all of your sweet angel babies too! They're dancing and celebrating!
Baby A is doing wonderfully! He (IT'S A BOY!!!) is still measuring a few days ahead. He's a mover and kicker although I'm still not feeling any of that just yet. The hubs asked if he knew that his sister was dead. I told him I didn't know but the thought breaks my heart!
The night of the final ultrasound, I woke up in the middle of the night to very heavy bleeding. It was a repeat of the occurrence that happened a week prior, well, minus the murder scene bit. I used 10 pads in less than four hours. It finally let up a bit when I got up for the day. I emailed my high risk doctor. I wasn't as panicked as I had been in the past though. I knew that even if this was my body miscarrying our daughter, putting our son in jeopardy, there wasn't going to be anything the doctor could do.
The doctor told me that I had some clotting in my uterus and as Baby B's sac started to "deflate" (as it disintegrates) I might start to pass some of the clots and bleed a bit. This was far heavier than that but I just assume that's what it is.
Almost a week later, I'm still spotting. It's older blood now and less worrisome. I have a feeling this is just par for the course for this pregnancy.
My next appointment is with the high risk OB on Friday and then Monday I'll be seeing my regular OB since I haven't actually seen him at all yet.
That's the update. We're trying to transition to being excited to give Gavin a brother. I'm trying to stop thinking that I'm pregnant with twins. This is definitely the suckiest thing ever (that's the understatement of the century!) but we still have a very healthy baby growing inside of my tummy and, God willing, we will be meeting him in September!
Thank you all for your sweet comments! Thank you for the prayers, encouraging words and all the thoughts you've been sending our way. Sadly, through these posts, I've "met" people who have been through this or something similar. Your words have been very comforting.
I few weeks ago, I mentioned in a post that I was struggling with the baby's body just disintegrating and "going away." It makes me feel like she just doesn't exist, and clearly she does. Well, Hillary left me a great comment with a different perspective. She wrote: As a fellow baby loss momma (one miscarriage and one stillbirth) I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. My initial thought was to tell you not to think of it as strange to have a baby that will never leave your body. She will be your little girl that you will always have with you for the rest of your life! Maybe in the future you will be able to take some comfort in the fact that her little cells etc. will always be a part of you! I would give anything to be able to say that about my 2 little angels! It really does bring me great comfort to think that our sweet daughter will always be a part of me! Not only will I carry her in my heart forever but I will carry the tiniest bit of her physical being with me too.