I know that at least a few of you had the passing thought. It was a question I asked my doctor.
The answer: Nothing.
I will carry a dead baby, along with living Baby A, throughout my pregnancy.
It's a terrible thought. I will be pregnant with twins even though one of them is not living.
The high risk OB described it as a pressed flower. Once her heart stops beating, the body, amniotic sac and placenta will no longer have blood flow and they will slowly start to "dry up." As Baby A grows (God willing,) he (oh yeah, I think Baby A is a boy now) will press against her and she will eventually disintegrate.
It's really hard for me to wrap my head around. The OB said that, at delivery, it will be hard to tell that there was another baby in there. That creeps me out and makes me so sad. She has left such a lasting impression in my life, it makes me sad to think that it'll be hard to see that she ever existed.
Beyond that, it concerns me that some of her sac could remain in my body after I have Baby A and cause me physical grief. I'll be discussing this with my regular OB at my next appointment (April 23.)
I'm also having a hard time understanding what is happening. Am I miscarrying? Technically, I will not physically be losing a baby. She won't even be stillborn because she will have "disintegrated" by birth.
It's just so eery. And sad. For the remainder of this pregnancy, I will be pregnant with twins but only expecting to have one baby. It almost makes me want to hide. I don't want unknowing people to ask about my pregnancy because it'll all just feel so fake.
Don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly overjoyed to be able to continue this pregnancy with one healthy baby but this isn't just a traditional singleton pregnancy and I feel like I can't pretend that's the case.
Also, our next ultrasound is Tuesday, April 3rd (the besty's birthday!) I'm sad to say that a successful appointment would show NO heartbeat. If there is still a heartbeat, the doctors will begin pushing for termination.
7 comments:
I'm always reading your blog but almost never comment. I'm super sorry about that :/. As a fellow baby loss momma (one miscarriage and one stillbirth) I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. My initial thought was to tell you not to think of it as strange to have a baby that will never leave your body. She will be your little girl that you will always have with you for the rest of your life! Maybe in the future you will be able to take some comfort in the fact that her little cells etc. will always be a part of you! I would give anything to be able to say that about my 2 little angels!
Love and hugs today!
xoxox
I continue to think about you and hope that you are coping the best you can. I honestly don't know what to say in this situation, it's just awful and it sucks. I hope you get the outcome at your appointment next week that is the best case scenario. HUGS!!
I am sorry to see that you are going through this. My thoughts & prayers are with you.
In a totally different but kind of similar in a "hard to wrap your head around it" kind of way... my mother in law was basically pregnant for 12 months straight for my hubby. She got pregnant with him, they were overjoyed, and told everyone they were due in September...when she went in for her first ultrasound (i'm not sure exactly when she had it done, but around 12w I guess), the u/s tech basically said, "well, I'm sorry to say you lost the baby, but in the meantime, you actually got pregnant again, so that first fetus will get reabsorbed and the second should grow fine"
She said she didn't know if she should feel grief or joy or some crazy mix of the two.
Just saying - you're not alone in having trouble wrapping you mind around an incredibly difficult situation. I'm sure some days you'll be more focused on the sadness and some days more focused on the joy - and that's okay! I'm so sorry you're going through this. :(
((HUGS))
oops, obviously my husband was baby #2 in the scenario above, and the missed miscarriage was #1
What a crazy situation, just caught up on your last posts (found you through LFCA).
I hope tomorrow bring you the news you feel would be 'best' for all of you, it's truly heartbreaking to read.
Deanna -
I'm so sorry to read your story, which I found through LFCA. I lost a triplet this pregnancy between our NT scan at 12 weeks and our first MFM scan at 17 weeks. Like you, I've struggled with the knowledge that I've lost a baby but yet I still carry him or her inside me. The good news, as you already know, as the earlier in gestation the loss happens the better (ugh) it will be for your surviving twin. Of course this doesn't make it any easier. I know this comment probably doesn't offer much comfort but please know that you're not alone in this strange in-between place. Your babies are in my thoughts and prayers.
Soña
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