FuckFuckFuck

That's how it's going right now.

I have a picture post getting you all caught up on the happs but I haven't finished it yet.


Today we had our NT scan for the twins. I'm 12 weeks 4 days.

Good news is, Baby A is perfect. Heartbeat of 163bpm (I'm thinking girl!)

Bad news is, Baby B isn't okay. Heartbeat of 140-something bpm (I'm feeling boy.) Sadly, he has a omphalocele. Basically, his insides are growing outside of his body. His body is lacking the important parts to contain his intestines and such inside of the abdomen.

Feel free to google it if you wish. I do not wish.

The bottom line, this is a VERY severe defect. There is severe swelling around his head caused by the trauma his tiny body is suffering.

The perinatologist said that this is a very severe ('severe' seems to be the only appropriate word) case of that big word above and she wouldn't guess that he would make it to term.


Here's where things get awful.

Should he die naturally in the next few weeks, my body would likely not try to miscarry. He would just be in there.

Should he die later in the pregnancy (past 20 weeks,) there is a likelihood that my body would try to miscarry him thus causing preterm labor for Baby A.

There is a chance that Baby B could make it to birth but he would need very extensive surgeries to keep him alive....assuming that there is nothing else wrong aside from the omphalocele. 40ish percent of babies with this defect have additional chromosomal issues.


Here's where we are...

We are going to do a CVS. This will give us a chromosomal work-up of the baby. We'll know if this is just a "side effect" of something much bigger (trisomy 13/18...) or "just" a physical handicap.

The discussion of reduction quickly came up. I can't even wrap my mind around the idea. It makes me want to throw up. Every thing about this makes me sick.

I'm handling it by thinking of it step-by-step. First things first, CVS. See what the results are and go from there.


I am feeling...furious! Scared. Numb. Lost.

I told God that I NEVER wanted to be pregnant again if it meant not having that baby in my arms. I didn't need to be pregnant with twins. Why would I be "blessed" with two babies for this to be the result?! Since I have group B strep, the CVS will have to be performed abdominally, aka...huuuuuuge ass needle into my stomach to collect the specimen. This t-e-r-r-f-i-e-s me! I don't even want to say twins anymore. I'm detaching already. I feel terrible that I'm doing this. I'm already abandoning my sweet baby.

Ugh! So many emotions. Another state of limbo.

Hopefully well have the CVS asap but even still, the results will take 7-10 days. It's nearly another 2-fucking-week wait.

This just sucks!