Thank you!!!

The comments on my last post and the comments I've been getting on Twitter are overwhelming. Thank you all so much, from the bottom of my aching heart, for the love, support, encouragement and prayers you've been offering.

I can't believe so many in this community have suffered miscarriages. It is heart wrenching to know I'm not alone. This is probably one of the most painful experiences in my life.

I was advised to go into the ER on Monday for an exam since the bleeding and cramping were in full force. I'm so glad I went in. They were able to perform the D&C that evening. Although the miscarriage was already happening naturally, I was horrified at the thought of actually experiencing it. Every trip to the restroom over the weekend was torture. Seeing the blood was just a reminder of what was happening. I cried sobbed with every trip. As hard as it was, I'm glad that "it's" over.

The surgery was relatively painless. The most uncomfortable part was the breathing tube and the sore throat that came with that. My bleeding and cramping have been very minor. I'm physically feeling nearly back to normal.

Emotionally...I go back and forth. It certainly helps that I have a perfect almost 8 month old baby staring at my with his chubby cheeks and two little teefers! I get up in the mornings because of him!!!

Then, there are the times when I see the "I'm going to be a big brother" onesie that I bought him, and the overwhelming emotions come rushing back.

I feel so naive for thinking it could have been this easy. I was already calculating how far along I'd be at Christmas, the hubs' fire academy graduation, Gavin's first birthday... I feel so stupid! And now...I have hope! I actually am left with the feeling that this could happen again. The doctor said we could start trying again as soon as I see AF (in roughly 4-6 weeks.) Am I just gullible?! Could I really get naturally pregnant again? I suppose there's only one way to find out.

For now, I'll continue to work on healing, physically and emotionally...and praying for all of those that have also suffered this horrible outcome and those that will suffer after me.

Today

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Today I learned that the miracle baby I've been carrying for nine weeks no longer has a heartbeat.

Today I understand the pain and heartache so many other survivors have felt.

My heart breaks for everyone who has endured this torture in the past and for everyone after me.

I am at the beginning of the end of this journey. Mild cramping a light bleeding have already started.

The worst part, I'm still pregnant. My tiny baby bump ( which seems exaggerated) still carries a baby...a dead baby.

Devastated doesn't even begin to describe it.

Umm...wow!?

I’ve been keeping a secret. At first I was waiting until I had more information to tell you, then I was just waiting for time to post, eventually I realized I was waiting to find the right words.

Here it goes.

LOL! I guess I'm a year behind. It should say 9/15/11!

Here’s how that came about… AF was late but that was no surprise because I haven’t been regular since having the baby. Since my cycles haven’t been regular I haven’t been able to track ovulation. We’ve just been going with it and enjoying “time” when we want to rather than when the calendar tells us to (imagine that!)

The hubs and I have been enjoying a glass of wine with dinner almost every night. I ordered some cheapo pregnancy tests online (you know, just in case) and when they got here last Thursday, he told me to test. I agreed so I could have my nightly wine! It was the first time I’d tested and knew it would be negative and was okay with that. I remember thinking to myself “watch, this will be the first time it’s actually positive!” Imagine my shock when it was! No seriously…SHOCK!!! I immediately took a second test. Same result. Holy sh!t!!!

I hand them to the hubs and he says “I don’t know what that means. I don’t know how to read those.” LMAO!

Fast forward, send the hubs down to the store for “real tests” (aka the expensive ones!) They had the same result…

We had our first ultrasound September 22^nd. Based on my LMP (8/7) I should’ve been 6w4d. Unfortunately, the ultrasound showed a tiny dot with no heartbeat. RE said that he thought I just ovulated late and I wasn’t far enough along for a heartbeat. I was measuring roughly 5 ½ weeks along so I had to wait a week and a half for another ultrasound.

I prayed (and had many others praying with me) that I did just ovulate late and there would be a heartbeat.

 

We had our second ultrasound Saturday and my fears were put to rest…a heartbeat! 100bpm measuring 6w4d. So based on that, I ovulated about nine days late (cd23.) We'll have another u/s in two weeks to check up on everything before I'll see my regular ob/gyn.

 

Infertility led us down the IUI/IVF path and brought us our perfect angel, Gavin this year.

 But a miracle has brought us this sweet baby blob…

As you can imagine, we are ecstatic! I'm still in shock!!!