Happy June 2011 IComLeavWe!!!! How sad is it that the last time I participated was June 2010?!
For a little back story and miscellaneous facts about me here are the links to my two past ICLW post... September 2009 and June 2010.
I spent two years TTC our miracle baby. We originally thought that we had male factor IF issues but those proved to be false. We underwent five IUI's and we're blessed to get pregnant on IVF #1. We had a prefect baby boy in February 2011.
One year ago today, I was in ER. They retrieved 12 eggs and I started my first of nine weeks worth of PIO shots. One year ago today, this was created:
And today, we went to the four month well baby doctor appointment where our sweet boy was tortured with three shots. He is such a trooper though. Today, I hold this in my arms:
He is truly a miracle and I am so very grateful for this gift!
Lately, I've been struggling with IF brain. I have a baby but my bitter, jealous, infertile brain has not been shut off. Half dozen of my fertile friends have announced pregnancies this past few months. I am happy for them (no, really, I am) but I'll admit it, I'm jealous. And I hate that I am because I have a baby and I know so many of you are still struggling to meet your miracle and I have mine. I feel so selfish but unfortunately, that's just how I feel.
Now that that's off my chest, thanks for stopping by. I'll be sure to repay the comment!
Yep...in the last two months I've had three (THREE!) fertile friends announce their pregnancies.
One is a year younger than me and now pregnant with her second baby. Her first isn't even a year old yet. This one doesn't sting as bad though. She lives on the east coast and I only see her twice a year. She'll be 30 this year and trust me, I'd be pregnant again if it would happen that easily (and yes, we're hoping to be one of "those couple" that just miraculously gets pregnant right away.)
The other two friends' news, stings. The first, is 36 today!!! She got pregnant after two months of TTC. She is a dear friend and I am very happy for her. Her older sister has been TTC her second baby for FIVE years so she was concerned she could have some issues too. Obviously, she doesn't. The thing that stings the most, she publicly announced it when she was 6 weeks pregnant. She just doesn't have the worries that we have. I'm envious of the peace she has with her pregnancy. The second friend is 32. She doesn't even want kids right now! She's feeling the pressure of her age (which I totally understand) but she isn't ready to give up their lifestyle to incorporate a child. Her husband feels the complete opposite. He's been ready for a baby for at least three years. She finally gave in. She was pregnant the first month. She's another one that's gone public early, this one at 8 weeks.
I'll be honest, I'm just jealous. I loooooved being pregnant and I can't wait to be pregnant again. I would just prefer that getting pregnant not require surgery!
The bottom line...I really don't understand why getting pregnant can be so easy for some and so not for others! Why was it so hard for me to have a baby and even harder for many of you?! I don't get it!!! And that makes me really angry!
And know what you might be thinking, I have a baby! I know, I know...I am beyond grateful! I never thought I'd see this chapter of my life. I wish that having a baby turned off my infertile brain. Unfortunately, it didn't. And the pregnancy announcements still hurt and that scares the crap out of me. Will I feel like this forever?
Four more days left in my TTC Survival Kit giveaway!!! Take a look!
This is a post that I've been writing in my head for a very long time. I've struggled finding my place since I became pregnant (almost a year ago?!?!) I'm just now attempting to get it into a post.
IRL, 95% of my girlfriends are not infertiles (the 5% that did struggle TTC eventually conceived naturally so I still don't feel like I fit in with them.) They all have 2-4 children nicely spaced apart. Most of them are all done having children...at 30.
During my two years of TTC, I kept most of my struggles to myself. I figured my friends could be empathetic but I also knew they could be judgemental. Most of my friends are from church or my private, bible based, high school. They have very strong opinions about things they have never experienced. I don't know this for a fact but I imagine that they would say that our struggles TTC were God's way of telling us we weren't ready for children yet and there was no need to pursue ART. I don't have a problem with this thinking, to each his own, but I DO have a problem with them judging our situation without having walked in our shoes (or in similar shoes.) Before I was married, my mom had a close friend go through IVF multiple times. I remember saying that if that was me I'd just "pray harder" because its all in "God's timing." I am ashamed to admit that I said that. Thankfully I was smart enough NOT to say that to the TTC friend. Once I was wearing those shoes, I completely understood.
My fertile friends take their fertility for granted. And they can.
Now that I have a baby, I still don't fit it. They roll their eyes because I wanted a motion sensor baby monitor AND a video monitor and say "New mom..." while smirking at my other fertile mommy friends. I don't take this motherhood job lightly. I took me a long time to get here and if two very expensive monitors help me sleep better, don't judge.
I don't know if the pregnancy announcements from my fertile friends will ever stop stinging. I'll admit it, I'm jealous. I can't even imagine letting the doctor tell me how far along I am. It's hard for me to hear them complain about parenting. Heck yeah, its hard. Very hard but I don't feel like I'm allowed to complain because I wanted this so badly. I don't ever want to come across ungrateful.
In bloggyland, I no longer fit into the TTC infertile category either. I definitely don't want to complain about parenting to the TTC group because I have the dream. I am beyond grateful but I still need an outlet. I just don't know where it is. I also don't want to come across like I'm bragging. I know that I have a gift, the gift! And I wish that for each and every one of you still on the journey.
I'm in a transitional period. I'm not just a mommy or an infertile, I'm parenting after struggling with infertility. I'm still struggling with infertility. I don't know if we'll ever be able to give Gavin a sibling. I know that I should be content with my one miracle and I feel selfish for wanting more but its the truth.
Hopefully, I'll be finding my place, at least in bloggyland soon. Maybe I'll start a mommy blog...