I can't believe so many in this community have suffered miscarriages. It is heart wrenching to know I'm not alone. This is probably one of the most painful experiences in my life.
I was advised to go into the ER on Monday for an exam since the bleeding and cramping were in full force. I'm so glad I went in. They were able to perform the D&C that evening. Although the miscarriage was already happening naturally, I was horrified at the thought of actually experiencing it. Every trip to the restroom over the weekend was torture. Seeing the blood was just a reminder of what was happening. I
The surgery was relatively painless. The most uncomfortable part was the breathing tube and the sore throat that came with that. My bleeding and cramping have been very minor. I'm physically feeling nearly back to normal.
Emotionally...I go back and forth. It certainly helps that I have a perfect almost 8 month old baby staring at my with his chubby cheeks and two little teefers! I get up in the mornings because of him!!!
Then, there are the times when I see the "I'm going to be a big brother" onesie that I bought him, and the overwhelming emotions come rushing back.
I feel so naive for thinking it could have been this easy. I was already calculating how far along I'd be at Christmas, the hubs' fire academy graduation, Gavin's first birthday... I feel so stupid! And now...I have hope! I actually am left with the feeling that this could happen again. The doctor said we could start trying again as soon as I see AF (in roughly 4-6 weeks.) Am I just gullible?! Could I really get naturally pregnant again? I suppose there's only one way to find out.
For now, I'll continue to work on healing, physically and emotionally...and praying for all of those that have also suffered this horrible outcome and those that will suffer after me.
5 comments:
I'm so sorry. I know this is so painful and it's something you can never be prepared for. I'll be wishing you nothing but the best.
I'm sorry you had to join this club none of us wants to be members of. I'll be praying for peace and good news in the future for you.
Oh Deanna, I am so sorry to read about your m/c. I've been there (my 1st IVF) and it's one of those things that is always downplayed by those who haven't experienced it. It's a different form of IF grief because instead of grieving for the life that might not be, your sorrow is for the life that actually WAS and was taken away. The element of hope and looking to a positive future makes it so hard. I hope you're dealing alright. I hope that little Gavin helps with the grief. I hope that for myself as well as we just did FET for Baby #2 this week and I just have an uneasy feeling about IF it's even positive it being a likely m/c (maybe just paranoia, maybe intuition).
*hugs*
Deanna, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I was just visiting from If to When blog from a comment you had left about your stinky diaper champ and was drawn into your last few post. I too have gone through EXACTLY what you have in about the same time line with this second baby. My 1st baby boy is 8 mo old and was 7 mo when I found out we were expecting "conceived baby on our own" #2. I felt like I was reading my own blog. I wanted to send you love and support and let you know your not alone. A dear friend who has walked the same road suggested reading "Heaven is for Real". I'm so glad that I did, it definitely brought some peace in the storm. One thing I have learned is you can't compare your loss to anyone else. We all experience it differently. Grieve, be angry and cope... you had dreams for this baby and in your heart you are a mother of 2.
xoxo
Jen
www.fromanawakenedeye.blogspot.com
ps. we love our diaper dekor ;)
So sorry to hear about your loss. How awful. I am thinking of you and you have my prayers.
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