I'm here...

I’m doing much better since my last post. I had a full meltdown on Monday. It was the perfect day for it. BFF left Sunday night, the hubs was gone all day and it was beautifully rainy all day. I spent most of the day crying and praying. It was great! I was/am very angry at God. This is one of the first times I’ve actually been angry about all the TTC stuff. Most of the time, I can appreciate His plan and understand that it’s best for us, this time, I just don’t understand why. It felt good to admit that to God. It felt good to tell Him I’m angry and I don’t understand. Once I came to terms with it, I asked for forgiveness for not trusting and doubting. It didn’t make all of the doubt, anxiety and impatience vanish but I feel like I’m slowly starting to heal from the inside out.

I’ve really been challenged to find contentment in the here and now. I talked with a former IF friend IRL. She and her hubby tried for NINE YEARS!!! She now has a beautiful baby girl but it was in God’s timing. She can look back and see it all so clearly now. Hindsight man…a beautiful thing. Anyway, I know that one day I’ll look back on it all and be so grateful that I didn’t have a baby in MY time but right now, it’s much harder than that. So I’ve decided since I know that I want a baby in His time, I need to be content right now. There is a chance that I could be in this position of longing and desire for a very long time. If that’s that case, I can’t be this miserable and desperate. It will destroy me. So, I’m working on contentment. True contentment. It’s easy at the moment since I’m two days away from a week long cruise. Being content knowing I’m vacation-bound is a lot easier than being content in ‘real life.’ LOL! I’m sure it’ll be a longer, bumpier road once I get back.

No one said anything that makes me feel the need to justify my feelings but I do know that my feelings in my last post were very selfish. I’m not a selfish person, honestly. I’m a hurting person. I only expressed those feelings to you awesome blog friends. I didn’t for an instant let on to BFF the pain that I’m really feeling. The feelings I’m having are my issues, not hers. Her struggles, while not the same as mine, are even more terrifying. The future of the child she’s carrying is just as unknown, if not more, as her 6 month old. I know that she would’ve never chosen to be pregnant. I just wanted to make sure that you guys know that I was venting and not  ignoring the real matter at hand, which is the fact that BFF is potentially pregnant with a very sick baby.

Lately I’ve been exploring acupuncture. I found a great doctor in my area for an awesome price. I don’t know that I’m going to go to her to help me get pregnant but I really want overall health and well-being. I’m excited! Not a big fan of needles by any means but I’m sure I’ll be fine.

I’ll be out of blogland for a while. We’ll be back in town 1/31 and I’ll probably take that Monday off to do laundry and catch up on all that I’ve missed in blogland. I’m hoping to come back to lots of BFPs!!! Have a nice week ladies!!!

One rough weekend!!!

This was a tough weekend. This is going to be a long one so bear with me. I've been dying to get this out so that you guys can make me feel better =)
I feel like I am a pregnant woman magnet!!! The hubs and I stop for lunch Friday. We were there for less than ONE hour and THREE pregnant women sat within 10 feet of me! Seriously?!? I know that as an IF I recognize pregnant women and babies more than the average woman, I'm fully aware of this. But...all the pregnant bellies being flaunted in front of me makes me crazy! I almost missed the fourth pregnant woman on my way out but its okay, she backed into me as I walked out so then she turned around and I got a chance to see every inch of that wonderful belly. I try really hard to imagine that they all had trouble TTC and that makes it a little easier. I don't even think I was bitter about it, I was just in shock. I think there's a herd of pregnant women following me everywhere!

Friday night BFF, BFF's husband and their 6-month old came over for the weekend. BFF's little one was very sick and in the hospital last year so I'm very happy that he's well enough to be cuddled! Saturday morning BFF and I went to another friend's baby shower. Yup, the worst place (outside of Babi.es R Us which I had to go to to buy the gift) for an IF to go! I was feeling pretty strong though. I feel great around BFF. She might not know exactly what I'm going through but she feels my pain like any good friend so it was awesome to have her there. I'm pretty sure one of the girls there announced she is pregnant! Shoot me!!! Then ALL the mommies talked about how useful each gift can be or what is better...blah blah blah. I left feeling really worn down. I just wanted a nap.

That's when it got SO much worse. BFF and I get home to the two hubs and the little one. We're giving the guys a run down of the shower. BFF says, "I can't take it anymore! We need to talk to you!!!" Now, let me just start my saying that they just got back from a month long visit to another state to visit her family. Instantly, I thought, she was going to tell me that they're moving. I froze! She bursts into tears as my husband says (you guessed it!) "You're pregnant?!?" Its all a big blur now but I'm shocked I didn't faint or fall over. I immediately hugged her because she was crying. Then I started crying because it was slowly starting to hit me. She's pregnant...again!!! (I told you...pregnant woman magnet!!!)

There's so much more to this. Because their little one was so sick and they haven't been able to accurately diagnose him, they knew they were never going to have anymore biological children. There's a 50/50 chance that any more children will have whatever issues their current little one has. And...get this!!! They've only had $ex ONCE since the baby was born!!! ONCE!!! Oh, and she's on birth control AND still nursing!!! What are the freaking chances?!?! So yeah, she found out two weeks ago. She's already 9 weeks pregnant and she's been torn up knowing she had to tell me. She just kept saying she's sorry. I wanted to be angry and not talk to her but I can't! I know that this is God's plan. They did everything (aside from having $ex once) to avoid having another child and she's still pregnant. Who knows, maybe this baby will be the key to healing their first baby. All I know is, its happening whether I like it or not.

She said that she was hoping I was going to be announcing my own pregnancy during her visit and that would make her pregnancy sting less. I hadn't told her about IUI #4 (mostly because I hate the "So...how are you feeling today?" texts. ) so I fessed up that I should be finding out this week. She decides that it can't wait and buys me three FRER tests. I POAS Saturday night and of course its a BFN. She says, "It could just really be diluted since you drink a ton of water." I cut her off. I don't want false hope. I dreaded waking up in the morning becuase I knew I'd have to POAS again. Sure enough, BFN!!!  I just wanted to scream!!! WHY???

I spent their whole visit fighting back the tears. My eye is twitching nonstop probably from holding it all in. I can't be upset in front of her though. She's got bigger issues. She's going to have two babies barely 13 months apart AND there is a 50/50 chance that this new baby will have some serious medical issues like their first. So, yes, she has good reason to be scared of this pregnancy.

It hurts SOOOOOO bad!!! This is one of the first times I've actually been angry at God. I just don't get it. I can handle all the fa.cebook friends (because, apparently, if you want a baby, just be MY friend!) Once I turn off my computer, they don't exist. She exists all the time. I can't avoid her. I don't even want to but I'm not sure I can do this. I'm too weak. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in 9 months. I hate this!!!

Woke up this morning and AF (or Spot) was here. If its AF, she's three days early. If its Spot, he's a day early. We'll see. Whatever the case, there's no baby for me. There's still a cruise in five days (now there's a good chance I won't even be dealing with my period on the cruise, that's the silver lining I guess) and you better believe I'll be getting pretty trashed...because I'm NOT pregnant.

*It feels really good to write this all out for you. I've been writing it in my head all weekend!*

14 Followers!

I am so grateful for my newest follower. I had 13 followers for so long that I was starting to think that it was bad luck. While I'm not even remotely superstitious, 13 just didn't seem like it was working for me. I was fully prepared for IComLeavWe this month to hopefully add to my list but then I realized we'd be on our cruise (WAHOOOO!) for most of the week.

I'm just glad to leave 13 behind. Thanks #14!!! Like all of my followers, I appreciate you!!!

Maybe I'm not pregnant because...

I'm scared. I know, its one of those things I'm not supposed to say but I'm serious. I wouldn't go so far to say that maybe I'm not pregnant because I don't want it bad enough because I assure you, I do! But...I'm scared.

I'm worried that we won't have enough money to support a child. I'm worried that I won't be able to stay home with the baby (in which case we'll have to pay for childcare or have my MIL watch the baby, which really ISN'T an option I'm willing to consider.) I'm worried that without me working we won't have good enough medical insurance. I'm worried that we don't have enough space for a child.

So yes, I admit it, I'm scared. But...I still have faith. I have faith that God will provide the most perfect child for us when the time is right. I have faith that it'll all work out in some way that I cannot even fathom. I know it'll work out...I just wish I knew how...or when.

I'm going to work on having more faith, and less doubt! After all, I'm currently 6dpIUI#4 and still in the running for a 2010 baby.

IUI #4...check!

This morning, the day of our five-year anniversary, we had our fourth IUI. Let's see...all three eggs definitely ovulated. This is the first time I've seen proof on the ultrasound that more than one egg has ov'd. The hubs' count was a little low this time. He hasn't had any problems in the count area even when we thought we were dealing with agglutination so it was a little surprising. Pre-wash he had 11mil and post-wash there were 26mil. The RE said something about concentration. They had 80% motility. In the end, I got 15mil or so of the good, healthy guys. It only takes one!!!

While I laid on the table (at the highest incline I could handle) the RE discussed with us the next steps. I asked how many more IUI's he'd do before suggesting we move onto IVF. His answer: one. He said he'd want to do one more injectable IUI cycle with a double insemination. If that still didn't work, we'd work out the logistics for IVF.

If this cycle doesn't take, we'll skip the next because we'll be on vacation for the second week of my cycle. Then we'll do March(ish) with the injectables and double insemination. Around April, we should know more about the IVF plan.

Until then...enter (2)WW.

Fourth time's a charm...

Let’s hope, right?

So tomorrow we embark on IUI#4. After all the peace I had with not doing an IUI this cycle, all the stars have aligned perfectly and without effort. Tomorrow also happens to be our five year anniversary. Wouldn’t that be cool?!

The hubs gave me my trigger shot last night. It’s been so long (a whole month and a half or something) since I’ve had to endure a shot. It forgot that this one is a piece of cake. I worked myself into a little frenzy as usual but then it was over before I even realized it started. It’s pretty sensitive today though. Sort of like a mild bruise/knot on my tush. Totally bearable though.

The fish taco craving stuck around an extra day. I had them again last night (7 nights!) Now I’m afraid of some sort of mercury poisoning or something so I’m steering clear for a while.

I’m taking tomorrow off from work. Mostly because I feel the need to lie around all day after the IUI to give it the best chances of actually working. Obviously, laying around (or not, for that matter) hasn’t work but it eases my mind.

So…here’s to a 2010 baby!

2010...Glad it's not 2009 again!

Every year the hubs comes up with some witty phrase for the year. 2008 was going to be great, but that didn't go too well so 2009 was going to be fine. Now, in 2010 we're just happy its not 2009 again!

I've got some high hopes for 2010. Mostly because it HAS to get better than 2009. I'm so far behind on blogging. This past month was a blur. Let's see...

*Clo.mid went well this cycle. It's so much easier than those nasty injections. I can't imagine what you IVF'ers go through with multiple shots daily for long periods. Wow! You're my heroes.

*Christmas was actually pretty awesome. I feel like suck a hypocrite for saying that since I'm a total Scrooge but it was nice. We raked in tons of money and gift cards. That was pretty sweet! Better than that, I survived dinner with the in-laws (two bottles of wine helped though) and had a good time. Of course, I'll be expecting another good visit for the next time and my guard will be down and their ignorance will catch me off guard once again.

*The Monday after Christmas, my grandpa past away. He was almost 90 and very sick so we were all pretty relieved when he passed. The hardest part has been dealing with my grandma who is generally just a nasty person. I avoid the situation but my mom doesn't have that luxury. It's been harder on her to talk to my grandma daily than it is to grieve my grandpa's passing.

*CD10 check up went well. Four follies, Right-14mm, Left-14.5mm, 13mm and 11mm. Lefty surprised me by being the overachiever this time. Lining was measuring at 8mm so I didn't even have to endure the Es.trace (although I'd take that over those icky prog supps any day.)

*New Year's was blast! We got together with our usual group of friends and added another couple. It was awkward adding to the mix but overall was a blast! Went to bed at 3am and slept until almost noon the next day!

*I've spent the past three days slightly hungover and fully addicted to fish tacos. I don't know what happened but I had to have them and now six days later I've had them every.single.day!!! I get them everywhere. Did you know that almost every restaurant has their version of fish tacos?!?! Even pizza and hamburger restaurants. I'm stuffed right now so I can't imagine ever eating them again but I know I'll be hungry again soon enough. I'll have to let you know where I stand on the fish tacos tomorrow.

*Today was CD14 check up. We've got three mature follies. Right-23mm, Left-23mm and 18mm, lining is still doing great at 9.5mm. He wanted me to trigger tonight but the hubs is not home and I just don't think I can handle someone else giving me the shot. I practically begged the dr to postpone triggering until tomorrow. He did agree and said it would give the 18mm follie a little extra maturing time. Hopefully I'll ov on my own tomorrow morning and avoid the trigger all together but that would just be too easy.

*We had fully decided to skip an IUI this cycle. We've taken a lot of time off from work lately (holidays, death in the family, dr appts...) so I just didn't think it was necessary to take more time off for an IUI when I honestly don't feel like its going to work. Then today, at the appt, I just got this sudden need to do the IUI. I don't know if it was God or my intense desire to be pregnant but we'll see. The hubs may be out of town Wed and Thurs which would make an IUI virtually impossible so we'll just see what happens.

*Oh, and I found out that one of my closest friends found my blog. He (yep, its a guy!!!) said that he saw it and read it but wasn't following it regularly. At the time, it didn't bother me but then I started thinking about some of the posts and how raw my emotions can be and it made me feel like I couldn't post honestly anymore. I'm not concerned about what I wrote being read by him but I think its just the beginning. Luckily, he's the only person I've even told about this blog so I should be safe for a while. He did say that my blog made him sad because he just wants us to be happy. It brought tears to my eyes. Of the many people in my life, he's one that I really don't need to be worried about reading this but it still shook me up a little. For now, I'll ignore the fact that anyone IRL could be reading this but if he starts talking to me about ov'ing and follies I might have to go private. LOL!

*We're three days from celebrating our five-year anniversary! Crazy to me that we thought we'd have kids three to four years into marriage. Funny how my plan and God's don't always match. 

*We are 19 days from vacation!!! I'm not actually counting down just yet. That only seems to make the days creep by slower. I'll POAS right before we leave and know exactly how fun this cruise will be.

So that's a quick catch up for now. I know I have SO much more to write but I'm drawing a blank. It sure seems like there are quite a few BFP's in blogland these days. So awesome! Hope 2010 is treating you all well so far. I've missed you guys!!!