Thanksgiving?

I know that I have lots in my life to be thankful for but, why do I feel like crying so much lately? If I'm not actually crying, I'm trying my hardest NOT to cry. I feel so raw, so vulnerable. Any little thing can set me off.

I don't know if the busted cycle 16 is to cause. I think I might actually be relieved for a forced break. The pressure is off. I don't have to worry about appointments and a (2)WW this month. Nevertheless, the tears still flow. When I found out that my pregnant friend is "in denial" about this unplanned pregnancy, I cried. Later in the night, when she confessed that her sister is also pregnant (a planned first baby) after trying for three whole months, I cried. Then when I held a good friend's 5-month old and he fell asleep in my arms, I cried. I even cried (tears of joy) when I read about Nicole's BFP!!! Praise God for joy!!! I hate being the girl that cries. I'm a pretty strong person. I can hold it in and let it out in the 'right' time but lately, that's not the case. The tears come whether I want them to or not.

In addition, I'm bitter. My newest line, "THESE are the people that get to have children!" Its such a loaded statement. When I heard that a co-worker's 17-year old daughter just had her third baby that she doesn't want, I said it. When the hubs came home from the firehouse with a story about an abused women who left the house to protect herself from the angry boyfriend but left her two young kids with him, I said it. The hubs says I need to let go of the bitterness. I know I do but its not like I can just turn it off. I'm working on it, honestly. I don't want to be bitter.

So this Thanksgiving, as I endure dinner with the in-laws (pray for me!) I'll be holding in the tears and the nasty comments because I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to be ecstatic, and mean it, when I hear that someone close to me is expecting. I want to be comforted that I will have a child...in God's timing.  I want to smile at a pregnant woman at the store and hope that she didn't have the struggles that many of us do. And mostly, I want to remember that I have so much in my life to be thankful for, even if its not what I hoped it would be.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Cycle 16 was short-lived!

Yep, cd 1 of cycle 16 and I'm already out. I have three LARGE cysts on my left ovary. The RE was surprised I wasn't complaining of any pain because they are that large...22mm, 28mm and a whopper at 50mm (yes, 5-0!) Wowza!!! I'll admit I'm definitely not comfortable but I'm generally not too 'ready to party' when AF is around so I didn't really think it was anything out of ordinary.

I have strict instructions to be low-key. You might have noticed that I never mention working out, that's because I don't. So taking it easy won't be too hard for me. I've read that a few of you have sat out a cycle due to cysts. Any information you'd like to share? I'm always interested in learning more.

Anyway, I'm out. Cycle 16 is already a bust!!! The RE told me to call when I start my next period. I'm not quite sure how to feel. I'm bummed, of course, but I'm kind of okay about it...I think. I prayed that God would guide us through this cycle (like I do each cycle) and this is obviously His plan. I don't know why but this is just the reality that is right now.

Since TTC, I've learned that it takes a while for things to sink in. Maybe I'm learning not to act hasty but it seems to take a while for some things to set in. When a friend called to apologize for accidentally being pregnant, it took a whole day for the tears to flow. Then, last cycle, an early BFN didn't actually hit me for 12 hours. So, there's no telling how I'll feeling about sitting out on this cycle. I honestly feel a little numb right now.

Onto cycle 16

AF finally decided to show up. I was having lots of that brownish spotting throughout the day yesterday and then last night it came on full force. I was a little nervous because I didn't know what this AF would be like since this is my first cycle of injectables. So far, its pretty normal. Phew!

I called the RE and I have an appointment this afternoon. As far as I know, we're doing another round of injectables. I'm so excited {sarcasm}!!! This is my first dr appointment without the hubs. He's gone on Mondays. They told me I could come in tomorrow but my HMO takes forever to get the meds and I'd rather have this extra day for them to get them all together before I actually need them. So here goes cycle 16...

I need to thank you ladies once again! You are so AWESOME!!! Thanks for all your input on my last post regarding the prog supps and the late AF. It really helped!

In addition, the hubs and I were discussing alcohol consumption and TTC. If I drink, I drink casually during the first two weeks of my cycle. I don't get drunk and its really just a social thing but I don't drink at all during the (2)WW, just in case. The hubs thinks that maybe I should refrain during the first two weeks as well. So, do you drink alcohol during your TTC journey? I'm sure some of you don't drink because of religious conviction but do any of you refrain completely because you're TTC? Do you not drink at all? Or just not during the (2)WW?

Another update...

but no change. I'm still seeing the tiniest bit of brown blood when I use the restroom. Other than that, nothing.

I'll be calling the RE's office tomorrow morning. Should I stop the prog supps?

*I forgot to add that I POAS this morning and it was definitely negative once again.

Quick update!

So it's officially 14dpIUI and other than a BFN, I have nothing else to show for it. Yep, that's right, still no AF. What's up with that?!?! We're trying not to get our hopes up but every second that AF doesn't show, a tiny bit of hope creeps back into our minds. I'll be testing tomorrow morning again. I don't know how to feel...

FYI: My boobs are only hurting slightly these last few days. I keep feeling AF type cramps but no AF.

Edit: Not long after I post the quick update, I went to the restroom and there was the slightest amount of dark brown blood. Not sure what it means but I'm feeling like it might be Spot. The limbo-ness is the worst. If there is a negative test it should be accompanied by AF on the appropriate day. Very annoying. Still testing tomorrow unless there's a full flow this evening. Will keep you posted (can you believe this is the sort of things I keep people updated on?! I wasn't this person before IF, promise.)

Not Pregnant!

I tested.  BFN!!!  Now I just hope AF shows up soon so I can call the RE's office and get a plan. Moving on is much easier.

Thanks for all the support! Still praying for all your pending BFP! I need some good news girls...even if its not mine. =)

2pm PT: Still no AF. Doesn't my body know that I can't get a 'plan' if AF doesn't show up?!? Sucks that even though I've gotten my BFN, I'm still playing the waiting game. I had a nice 11am beer though...just because I can. lol!

Hmm...

AF is imminent…I think. The last few days I’ve had my telltale headache. Two nights ago I noticed the irritability set in and now the lower back pains have hit. Maybe this is why, for the first time since we started ttc, I don’t want to test. I want to know for sure but I just don’t want to test. Yesterday, I was so close to testing. I just suddenly got the urge and the hubs was out of town (seriously don’t leave me home alone with those things, they taunt me!) but I didn’t. I actually forgot to once I got home. Phew.

It’s pretty silly because I know that the result will be the same whether I test or wait it out. I should just put myself out of the misery and test tomorrow as planned. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll see Spot today and then not need to waste the test.

I’ve always wanted to be one of those girls that doesn’t even realize its time to test. My friend (the one that annoyed us all yesterday) didn’t have a regular AF in a year so when she finally broke down and tested (because her DH made her) she was already 6 weeks pregnant. If only.

So yeah, I don’t know if I’ll be testing tomorrow or not. I’m a girl, my mind changes…a lot.

(And its now a little after 2pm Cali time and there's still no Spot...hmm...)

3:30pm update: Still no Spot. This would be the first month (after three consecutive months) that Spot wouldn't show before AF. Or maybe, just maybe, there's no Spot because there is no AF...hmm...mind games suck!

Stupid things people say!

How many times have you all heard this one?

“It’ll happen for you once you stop thinking about it.”

I got this today… “I’m telling you once you give up and just say ‘well I guess it will happen when it happens,’ you’ll get pregnant.”

Seriously?!?! Do people really think this? I’ve also noticed that the women that say this are on the other side. They’re pregnant or have a baby (the girl who emailed me that ‘encouragement’ today is 23 weeks pregnant.) I’m sure it’s very easy to tell someone to ‘give up’ mentally when you’re sitting there, where I hope to be one day. I imagine my mentality will change when I’m pregnant one day but I vow to NEVER say things like that.

It’s just so frustrating. What exactly will ‘giving up’ or ‘not thinking about it’ really do for me? I’m fairly certain that God doesn’t want me to ‘give up’ on my hopes. I do think that God wants me to seek His will for our family and that might mean not having a baby for a while. But, I still don’t think he wants me to just ‘forget’ about my dreams and sit stagnant. Whatever path we choose, whether it be fertility treatments or not, doesn’t God want us to be working towards our goal?

Just had to vent.

Oh, and FYI, I’m getting the itch to test. I’m waiting it out but the suspense is getting to me!!!

Time

I can't decide if I feel like time is flying or if its completely dragging.

Right now, its draaaaaagging!!! But when I think about ttc and life in the big picture, its flying by. I can't believe this is our 15th cycle of ttc. 15!!! And, we're creeping up on our five year anniversary! Where did the time go?!?! But today, today is only Tuesday. Not testing for three more days. Three more days?!?! Yet, I can't believe that two weeks ago I was undergoing nightly shots that I would dread for hours before receiving. Seems like forever ago. And now, its wait. Hurry up and wait!

Everything during the first two weeks of the cycle is so perfectly calculated. Everything is timed and charted. Appointments are scheduled only a few days apart. I talk to my doctor's office more than I talk to some of my co-workers during that two week period leading to ov. Then...nothing. Just lots of waiting. Atleast all the appointments make me feel like I'm doing something. The waiting just makes me...feel stagnant.

Oh, don't give me too much credit. I didn't deliberately mean to not keep track of the dpIUI. It just happened. Thanks for all the great comments!!!

(2)WW - Day ???

That's right, I don't know off the top of my head what day this is. I guess I can count it out on my fingers but it doesn't matter. Counting it down just makes me crazy(ier.) I think I've been MIA because I haven't been counting down. And, I haven't been analyzing all the possibly phantom symptoms. The only symptom I am experiencing is the sore b00bs. I only recognize that because I can barely go an instant without a bra. I'd wear one in the shower if I thought I could. Thanks to Nicole, I learned that the sore b00bs are a side effect of the evil prog supps. At least I don't need to psychoanalyze those pains.

Thanks for all the sympathy and information on my panty debacle last post. I think I've got it figured out. Its still not comfortable, AT ALL, but I'm managing. I'll spare you the details.

So, we've decided that I won't test until Friday morning. Saturday is two weeks since IUI #3 but Friday is my day off. It's weird but it seems like every (2)WW brings me up to my Friday off. Anyway, if I get my BFP we'll head down the besties' house to tell them and spend the weekend celebrating. If I get a BFN, the hubs and I will spend the day doing things to distract us from the disappointment. My body seems to try to soften the blow by sending AF's dog, Spot, two days before AF is expected. Its happened the last three months. Spot sucks just as bad as AF but he does give me the warning that AF is on her way. Anyway, Spot should be here Wednesday or Thursday at the latest. I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Oh how I loathe thee...

I'm speaking of the prog supps, of course. Ugh...those things really suck! The oozing is just ridiculous and I have a horrible fear that I will get a yeast inf.ection from all the excess moisture going on down there as a result of the ooze. Am I crazy?

Let me tell you about my night, (TMI alert!) I usually just wear a loose pair of boxers to bed every night. Yesterday I decided I needed some bedtime panties. I got some along with some liners. Oh man, what a night. The panties I got were too small (oops, I underestimated my @ss) and I was miserable, those came off before I even got into bed. Then I tried some of the hubs' gym underwear (they're like spandex) and those were going good except they were too tight on the bloated gut (underestimated the bloat) and made me miserable once again. After that I moved onto some boy short panties I had but I already knew I'd hate those. That's why I don't ever where them. Finally I ended up in my good ol' everyday cotton thong (yes, I wear them everyday, I love them.) I couldn't wear the liner with them though so I changed them early this morning. Did you count? That's five pairs of underwear in one night, plus countless trips to the bathroom. I'll be trying better fitting undies tonight along with the liners. So be honest, am I going to get a yeast inf.ection from all the moisture from the supps? I've never even had one so I don't know why I'm so scared. Just ease my mind please.

Oh yeah, and I'm five days into the (2)WW, 5dpIUI. I only get antsy when I think about it. LOL!

Confession...

I bought maternity pants! Wait, wait, listen to my defense before shaking your head. While I was taking the evil Brav.elle shots, I got miserably bloated and slightly bruised on my belly. Wearing pants that were even remotely tight on my waist was terrible. And...if they weren't too bad standing, they were still pretty uncomfortable when I sat down and let's face it, I spend 12 hours of my day sitting (between the commute and work itself.) Then, Ol.d Nav.y was nice enough to send me an email with a 30% off code and free shipping. A week later, I have five pairs of maternity jeans on the door step.

I love them!!! I don't know why I waited so long. They're basically normal jeans with super comfy waistbands. I figure (God willing) I'll be needing them at some point anyway so I might as well get them at 30% off, right? I got a $34.50 pair of pants for $24!!! And that's just the pair I got for regular price. I got four other pairs on clearance and paid only $14!!! So fantastic!!!

I feel like I'm handling this (2)WW pretty well. Of course, its only 3 days in but I feel okay. I started the prog supps last night. Hmm, that was interesting. I'm really grateful for the girls that gave me the heads up on the leakage. I had an idea that it might occur but wow! I did not expect that. Could've been worse if I hadn't been warned. Thanks girlies!!!

All done...IUI #3

Sorry it's taken so long to give you all the update on the latest IUI. It was rather uneventful so that's probably why it's taken me so long. It was a busy weekend...

Thursday night our bible study was cancelled so we decided to head down to the besties' house (an hour and a half away.) {They're the ones with the baby that was in the hospital. He is doing well and they are home, praise God! He will be returning to the hospital in the future for some serious treatments but for now, we'll enjoy them being home.} We triggered before we headed down to their place. I'm not sure what's worse...a painful shot (the Brav.elle) in the gut that burns like acid but doesn't hurt a bit afterward, or a completely pain-free shot (the trigger) in the tush that hurts like a dead leg for an entire day after?

Anyway, being at the besties' place made the trip to the RE for the IUI a little more hectic than it really needed to be. Saturday morning we had to wake up at 6am for the 8am appointment. The besties ended up coming with us. She has always wanted to be a nurse so she really wanted to come. Her hubs came too so they also brought the baby. I'm convinced that they're good luck. I mean, they have a baby, right?!?! We also brought doughnuts for the office. I told them we were bribing them for a baby. LOL! They probably think I'm crazy. Doughnuts and an audience?!?!

The RE said the sample looked great! 65 million per cc and 95% motility!!! Wahoo!!! He verified that I ovulated two eggs on the right and expected some of the others to ovulate soon. The IUI was pretty uneventful. Minor discomfort. I confessed to the RE that I feel like all the swimmers will squish out when I laugh or they'll jiggle out on the long car ride home (the hubs truck is pretty bumpy,) he totally laughed. He didn't tell me I was wrong but I assume the laugh was the answer. Am I crazy for thinking that??? I cramped pretty bad for the rest of the day. I felt really bloated and uncomfortable but I imagine that's because of the masses of follies. After we got home, I went to the restroom and when I wiped there was a little blood and some of 'the sample,' I think. I'm pretty sure it wasn't cm or the vag cam gel. The besty told me I was crazy. So what do you think, can the swimmers squish out after an IUI? We BD'd the night of the IUI just incase some did squish out. We'll see...

So all done, I start the prog.esterone suppositories tonight. Has anyone used the prog supps? Any hints or tips? I'm still feeling some cramps. They almost feel like period cramps. Not comfortable at all. And so starts the (2)WW. I will not be listing all the (phantom) symptoms this time...I won't...alright, I might. My b00bs are crazy sore. I know this is the hormones and ov though. Been sleeping with a sports bra on. I'm already two days into the (2)WW...just 12 more to go...

Getting ready for IUI #3

I got a nice healthy dose of hope at my follie checkup yesterday. We’ve still have 8 large follies! Five on the right and three on the left. Lefty bumped ahead with the largest at 16mm, there are also four 14mm, two 12mm and a 10mm. The dr thinks they still need two more days to grow before we trigger, so yep, that’s right. The RE pulled a fast one on me. Two more nights of Brav.elle! Tricky, tricky…We’ll trigger on Thursday night and the IUI is scheduled for Saturday morning.

He’s confident that I’ll probably ovulate five or six eggs but we’ll see. He made sure I understood the risks of multiple births (I do!) and gave me all the options: going ahead with the IUI and risking multiples (yes, please,) cancelling the cycle (um, no thanks,) or converting to IVF (that would be great if I had a few extra thousands of dollars just chillin’ in our bank account.) So, IUI it is.

I’m nervous because I’m getting hope and I don’t want to crash and burn like I have the last two IUIs. I prayed SO hard yesterday. I’m contemplating this being the last cycle until February. Follie checkups and IUIs during the holidays sound exhausting and we’re going on vacation in January. The hubs says I’m getting ahead of myself already thinking about the next cycle(s). I forget that I’m currently in a cycle and I have a chance right now. Fingers crossed! Prayers said!!!

Edit: I was just updating the sidebar and I realized that our third IUI is scheduled on our five anniversary of the day we were engaged! That's got to be good luck!!!

Bye, bye Brav.elle!

First, as the title says…Bye, bye Brav.elle!!! Last night was my last shot. My dad did just fine. Hopefully I’ll be triggering tonight. I have my checkup this afternoon.

It took me a day to put the rest of this post together. At first I didn’t have anything to write about regarding it. Then, as the day progressed, the emotions were unleashed. I’ll go ahead and blame it on hormones.

Yesterday, a good friend of mine called to tell me she’s pregnant. She knows what I’m going through and wanted to tell me before it got out. I guess I appreciate that. It was thoughtful of her. But seriously this is the second ‘oops’ baby for her (third baby total.) I keep running it through my head. I just don’t understand. How is it that someone that’s not even considering being pregnant gets pregnant (do you know the odds of that?!?!) and I calculate for fertile days, take daily shots, prenatals and aspirin, diet and even exercise (sometimes,) and even undergo doctor’s office $ex (aka IUI) to up the chances, and still…nothing. How do people accidentally get pregnant when I can’t even manage to purposely get pregnant?!?!

What I did realize yesterday (as I processed everything) is, I’m honestly not mad at her for being pregnant, I’m sad that I’m not pregnant! Every one of my friends can be pregnant, I’m fine with that, I just want to be pregnant too!!!

Anyway, I know that many of you have written similar posts about your friends/acquaintances so you get it. It just sucks. I should probably be praying more about this rather than ranting on and on.

I know that nothing in my life is an accident. Maybe I am in the place that I am because there’s something to learn. I keep trying to figure out what it is so that I can learn it and just be pregnant already. I’ve learned it God, really, I have…promise!!! I broke down last night (glad the hubs was gone.) It felt good to get it out but then I couldn’t stop it. I opened the emotional flood gates. I’m exhausted today.

I’m not really holding onto any hope for this cycle; maybe because I haven’t heard any extra encouraging news about my follies yet. I have no reason to think that this cycle could work any better than the last 14. We’ll see how today’s appointment goes. I think the (2)WW would be better without the hope.

Update...

Apparently posting over the weekend is just too difficult for me because I never seem to do it. I have a few updates. Let’s jump right in… WARNING: This is a looooong one…sorry. This is what happens when I don’t post regularly.

• Mole checkup: I had my bi-annual mole check up Thursday morning. Every time I go she finds more that need to come off. None of them have ever come back with poor results but I’m definitely part of the ‘better safe than sorry’ club so she can have all that she wants. She took three this time (bringing the count up to 11 in the last two years.)  I’m sure I’ve mentioned that I’m a wuss around needles. It’s all in my head because its not actually the pain that freaks me out, its knowing that a needle going into my skin and sitting there for a period of time. It just gives me the willys! Anyway, the three moles required a grand total of 14 Lido.caine shots, three punch removals (like a skin hole punch…blech!,) and 12 stitches. Ick!!! I survived…obviously. I can’t bear to see the stitches though. The hubs changes the band aids. It just freaks me out! Oh…and I have a nasty allergy to the adhesive on band aids (or any adhesives for that matter.) I get horrible welts and itching and burning. I have to keep them covered but then I deal with the band aid torture. No fun but its better than looking at stitches.

• Follie checkup: I had my first follie check up for this cycle in the afternoon on Thursday. I also had to get bloodwork done. Ugh! I had six follies, three on each side, 10mm, two 7.5mm, 8mm, and two 6.5mm. This is my first cycle of injectables and also the first time I’ve had a check up so early on (cd7, day 4 of meds) so I didn’t really know what to expect. Usually, my first checkup on Clo.mid shows some follies in the teens, these ones seemed small. The hubs reminded me that this was an earlier check up and we’d just have to wait and see. He was right. Follow up follie check up on Saturday.

• Vacation day Friday: I took the day off. The hubs and I got our Halloween costumes (I was a strawberry daiquiri and he was a beer,) we went to a movie (Sa.w VI, we love those!) and went to Kai.ser to get our flu shots. I’m usually not a flu shot sort of person (did you read about my aversion to needles?!) but we have to get both of the flu shots to be around our best friends’ little boy with the immune deficiency. They’re home from the hospital briefly and we want to see them but we need our shots first. Anyway, Kai.ser ran out of both shots so now we need to find them (free!) and get them asap. I’m hoping Kai.ser gets them today or tomorrow and I can just go back there. We’ll see.

• Follie checkup: Saturday was my next follie checkup. The bloodwork came back great so there was no need to change my Brav.elle dosage. This time there were 8 follies!!! 5 on right, 3 on left, two 12mm, two 10mm, 9.5mm, two 8.5mm, and a 7.5mm. He was hoping to trigger me Sunday night but decided I still needed more time. I guess he thought they were small too. I have another follie checkup tomorrow (Tuesday.) He’s hoping to trigger me tomorrow with a tentative IUI on Thursday.

Thursday turned out to be a doozy of a day. Lots of poking! The hubs said I earned a nap. LOL! Then we ditched bible study and went to wine tasting. Sshhh, don’t tell. ;-)

I think you’re all caught up now. I’m not excited for this cycle at all. I’m completely dreading this (2)WW. It’s so frustrating and they have always been so disappointing. At the beginning of 2009 (almost a year ago!) I was so certain that I’d be pregnant by Christmas and this would be my last full year of work, now that hope is gone and we’re not really any bit closer to knowing why I’m not pregnant (remember, we look great…on paper!) I guess the hormones are raging and I’m just feeling down. Tonight is my final shot, except, the hubs is working his 24-hour shift tonight and my dad has to give it to me. Ugh! He gives himself insulin shots so he knows what he’s doing but I’m certain insulin doesn’t burn like a cigarette to the abdomen. I’ve done pretty well with the shots since the ‘incident’ and now the nerves are back for what should be an exciting final shot. Oh well, I bet I’ll survive. We bumped up the shots because of the time change. LOL! I figured that I’m supposed to get the shots at the same time every night so the 8pm shot is now the 7pm shot. Makes sense to me. I think I like getting it out of the way earlier anyhow. We will be doing them much earlier next cycle (because there probably will be a next time.) Right before bed (as we’ve been doing them,) just means that I stare at the clock all night, dreading 8pm.

Oh, a couple of you mentioned letting the meds come to room temperature before injecting them so it would burn less but my meds aren’t refrigerated. You guys got me worried so I double checked all the boxes to make sure I didn’t need to refrigerate them. I don’t. Phew!

So, here we go, the final shot and soon, IUI #3…