Feeling better...

I started my period this morning and surprisingly, I'm feel better...mentally at least. I'm 'enjoying' the usual AF symptoms and also a crazy, heavy flow probably due to the Clomid the past cycle but I'm happy to be onto a new cycle. It was a nice feeling to set the OPK monitor to day one and start new.

I talked to the newly pregnant friend this morning and I was happy to see that my mood has shifted. The bitterness is gone (or at least buried deep inside!) My old self might be hiding in this body after all.

Bitter!

Oh man am I feeling bitter! I know this isn't the attitude of a Christian, or a good friend for that matter, but it is how I'm feeling. A close friend of mine is pregnant! There were three of us girls that started TTC around the same time. The first, has an adorable 6 week old son, the second is 12 weeks pregnant and then there's me...waiting for my 'real' AF after a failed IUI. UGH! I never wanted to be the person who couldn't be happy for others embarking on the journey that I want.

From my post on perspective yesterday, I should be happy for the newest pregnant friend. She suffered a miscarriage this time last year. I know she deserves this...and I'm sure I'll be happy for her (I hope so at least) but for now, I'm bitter!

I'm working on it though...

And...to make matters worse, I got word that my childhood friend just had her second 'oops' baby!!! Seriously?!?!

Vacation?!?

Turns out I haven't actually started my period (not unless it only lasts for one hour now.) The nurse at the RE's office said my period will be messed up because of the Clomid. I had to POAS this morning at her request. Of course, it was negative. I'm supposed to let her know when my period starts and is constant but...my RE is going on vacation...for THREE WEEKS!!! What the heck is that all about?!?! Doesn't he know I'm anxious to be pregnant??? So looks like there won't be any Clomid, injections, IUI...at all this cycle. I should be happy to not have to endure all the mood swings, right? Hmm...

Perspective

I needed a new perspective and I got it. I won't lie, I'm very sad to not be pregnant this month. I was so hopeful because of all the positive feedback we got from the IUI. But...worse than not being pregnant, is losing a baby in miscarriage. I've been blog stalking again (it's what I do...I can't help it) and I read a blog of a lady that just lost her baby. I read through her posts of excitement at seeing the BFP, and then sharing the news with her hubby, and then the torture she endured as she lost the baby. I can't even fathom. My heart aches for all those that have lost a baby. As much as I just want to see the pregnancy test say "Pregnant," I'd forfeit that if it meant it would end in miscarriage. Anyway, that was heavy on my heart and I needed to get it out.

It's official...

BFN! Just started my period right now. Sucks...two days early. I guess its better than waiting another two days and have the same result. At least we'll be able to start the next round of meds.

I feel pretty empty (no pun intended!) I know it sounds dramatic but I just want to curl in a ball and be alone right now. I hate that I have to be at work. Waiting for a call back from the nurse right now. She'll probably just get me my prescriptions for the next round.

Can't wait!!! {insert sarcasm here}

BFN???

I'm 11 dpo, is there any chances in hoping that it's a false negative??? Prob not, huh?

Ugh...

I just want to know already!!! Baby or no baby??? I prefer the first btw. The (2)ww is pure torture. I will be devastated if this didn't work. Ugh!

Onto better things, the hubs put in his app for fire fighter in Tacoma, WA. I love the prospect of moving. My fingers are crossed. I'm hoping for a very eventful and exciting 2010!

Blog stalker?

I'm convinced that I'm not alone...but I've never met anyone like me. I love to read blogs! Not just the people I know and love, but also the random people out there with public blogs. When others want information, they google. When I want information, I google using the blog search. It's amazing what results you get when you type ~"Infertility" + "Blogspot"~ Not only do I read these result blogs once, but I usually bookmark them and continuously read them. They become my 'friends.' Sick...I know. I just can't help it. Not very many people know of my stalking tendencies but I'm sure I'm not alone.