Wednesday, June 25, 2014

A Brief Update

I was admitted to the hospital again on June 3rd after having another heavy bleed at home. After 10 days, two very heavy bleeds, three days on Magnisium sulfate and two blood transfusions (four bags of blood and one bag of plasma,) Kallan Jay was born on June 13, 2014 at 4:23am at 25 weeks 2 days. He weighed 2lbs exactly and was 13.75 inches long. He fought very hard but sadly his lungs were just too immature. He got his angel wings at 12:27pm while I held him in my arms.

I want to write up all the details but my heart can't take it right now. I'm devastated and confused and kind of angry. I just don't believe it. I'm in denial and numb.

I checked out of the hospital on the 15th and promptly packed our car to drive 19 hours straight through the night to escape reality. We're spending four weeks with the besties. 
I'm dreading going home because I can't hide forever. 
People have been asking what they can do for me and aside from your thoughts and prayers, Nurse Loves Farmer is doing a fundraiser to raise money for the hubs and I to get memorial rings. The ring I plan to get has a glass stone in the center that will contain some of Kallan's ashes so I can have him with me daily. 

Sunday, June 1, 2014

It Gets Complicated

Since I can't possibly have a "normal" pregnancy despite actually managing to get pregnant spontaneously...

At our anatomy scan (at 18ish weeks,) we got confirmation that New Baby is another boy! That makes 3 (three!!!) boys for me. New Baby looks perfect!!! That's the good news!

The perinatologist (the same one with had with the twins) wasn't planning to do a vaginal ultrasound but because of my history of preterm labor she decided to get an accurate cervical measurement as a baseline. 

She spent a lot of time down there. My history tells me, when they spend an awful lot of silent time doing an ultrasound, something isn't right. 

Sure enough. I have moderate placenta praevia and vasa praevia. Basically, I have a large blood vessel laying directly ON my cervix. My cervix is nice and long though. 

Fast forward to 3am the morning I was exactly 20 weeks pregnant. I was woken up with massive bleeding! Not just a bleed but constant, gushing blood. It just wouldn't stop. Of course, the hubs was gone so I had my mom come stay with the boys and my dad rushed me to L&D. 

I was a wreck. I was certain I had another placental abruption I was convinced my stomach felt deflated. I didn't feel the baby moving. I was contracting, although not painful. 

They immediately hooked me up for monitoring. I heard New Baby's heartbeat quickly. Relief. I was contracting every 2-2.5 minutes. They decided to start by hydrating me so I got an IV which was far better than the Terbutaline option or the horrible Magnisium Sulfate. 

Another perinatologist came in to do a thorough ultrasound. Cervix was not shortening but they could definitely see proof of a heavy bleed and the blood vessel and placenta were still in a non-ideal location. 

They still can't determine where the blood vessel is connected. It's not the umbilical cord, which is great. They assumed since I lost so much blood (I was borderline for needing a transfusion) that they vessel was likely mine but then bloodwork showed that my blood came in contact with the baby's so it's likely that there was a small tear in the placenta or the vessel is connected to him and I bled from somewhere else. 

They don't know. 

I was admitted for monitoring. The bleeding had stopped and the contractions spaced out significantly. Because of the large blood loss, they wanted to make sure I didn't have anymore bleeding before they sent me home. 

I spent three days in the hospital with a massive migraine, probably from loss of blood. But no more bleeding...well spotting when I vomited from the migraine. 

Before I was released, we learned that, since my blood had been in contact with New Baby's blood and we didn't have compatible blood, my blood is creating antibodies to kill his blood. Fantastic, right?!? It's just something they'll monitor. 

I'm home now, 23.5 weeks pregnant. Only one other bleed since then, at 22.5 weeks. It was much milder and stopped quickly so I didn't go to the hospital. I'm spotting here and there but it's brief. Contracting on and off, which is my usual. I'm on strict bed rest which is nearly impossible with a 3yo and almost 2yo but I'm trying. 

Out first goal is to make it to 24 weeks - viability. One day at a time. I'm not sure what our next goal will be after that. 

Because of my classical c-section with Madden, I was already going to deliver between 36-37 weeks. Now, with the current issues, we're looking at delivery between 34 and 36 weeks...if I make it that long.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Hey there!!!

Remember when I used to blog here???

Yeah. Me either. 

I haven't purposely abandoned ship and I don't even have any decent excuses for my silence. 

I could say I don't have a lot of time. But I do have time, I just choose to use my downtime to catch up on Vanderpump Rules and every franchise of Real Housewives that exists. {Quality entertainment, people!}

What I lack is the mental capacity to formulate complete thoughts and sentences to make up a worthy post. 

I know. I know. I just suck. 

Let me give you a little bit of the haps here in Infertile Momma land...

My "baby" boy {Gavin} is turning three THIS week! Three!!!!!!!!! This blog started with our journey to Gavin and now he's almost three. This kid just goes and goes and goes. E-ven-tu-ally he hits a wall and crashes. He's not a big proponent of sleep but desperately needs it. He also isn't a big fan of eating. Snacking? That he does. He gets that from me. He also sleeps in our bed. If I'm being honest, really like it. The hubs is gone for work often and I get lonely. G sleeps better (read: longer) which means momma gets more shut eye. Win-win.
Baby {Madden} is literally called "Baby." He knows his name but we don't use it too often. Despite his rough start, he is perfection!!! He has no ill-effects of his prematurity. He's all caught up in his gross and fine motor skills at almost 20 months {17 months adjusted.} The doctors are all very impressed. He just recently started using useful sign language {"more" and "please" versus "fish" and "bird."} My chubba wubba baby loves to eat and sleep. So opposite of his brother. Praise sweet baby Jesus for at least one kid that likes to eat and sleep. 

I'm pretty boring. I rock a mean pair of yoga pants/stretch pants daily. Sometimes I brush my hair. I try to shower every other day. This parenting gig is no joke. A ton of few tears have been shed over the exhaustive nature of this job. I was also not prepared for how hard it is to make decisions. Preschool vs homeschool. Co-sleep vs him alone. Homemade foods vs processed foods. Screen time vs no screen time. Aaahhhhh!!! It goes on and on. Every.single decision is a battle. Oh and did I mention I'm pregnant again. Yeeaahhh, so there's that too. 

We're "those people." $20,000+ spent on IVF/FET and I'm naturally pregnant. We're shocked. I'm almost 10 weeks. Two ultrasounds so far show us I'm right on point. I won't breathe easy ever again until we have our NT scan and make sure the likelihood of any trisomies is low, very low. if I didn't feel like I was failing at being a mommy enough already, we're adding to the mix. Wish me luck. Say some prayers. And stay tuned for more of our kind of crazy coming your way. 

Sunday, March 17, 2013


I made the swithch (ya know, since GFC is going bye-bye and I didn't have a choice,) to Bloglovin and you should too!

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

I'm not making any BIG promises but I really do miss blogging and I have great intentions to get back at it.

No...for reals, I've got stuff to say and I'm gonna. Soon! One day...

Sunday, November 25, 2012


I know I haven't been posting here in forever. I have posts saved in drafts, really, I do! But, for now, I need you to forgive me and go to my other blog (oh wait, I never told you I started another blog with my wonderful BFF?! Well, I did. Forgive me for that too, k? Please?) and help a girl out.

I'm in sleep hell and I need some input. I'll be your best friend?! Sshhh, don't tell Ketchup!

Also, there are pics of the boys over there =)

I miss you all and I promise to be back soon. Sooner if you can help me with the sleep drama!


Monday, October 15, 2012

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

It was one year ago today.

I had a perfect, six month old, IVF son and found myself spontaneously pregnant! It was a miracle!!! We were so excited!

Our "Surprise" Baby
It was a roller coaster few weeks of too early for a heartbeat, then a slow heart rate and finally, on October 15, 2011, no heartbeat again, at 9 weeks.

I'm certain she was a girl. Our first daughter.

That loss shook me to my core. Why was allowed to get pregnant naturally to have it torn away from me?! I just couldn't grasp that.

Less than three months later, we did a FET. I became pregnant with our twins. I was elated and terrified all at the same time.

The twins at about 9 weeks
Three weeks after the NT scan where we initially learned that our baby had a defect "not compatible with life," there was no heartbeat.

Our second daughter died at 15 weeks, leaving behind her twin brother.

We lost our two angels about six months apart.

I think I will forever be healing.

Today I am lighting three candles. One for each of our daughters and the third for all of your angels.

Sadly, I know I am not alone in my grief. My heart breaks for everyone that has experienced this deep sadness. I am just so grateful that I have my two boys on earth. Not everyone that experiences a loss gets to experience parenting and I don't take it for granted!

Me and my earth angels

Monday, July 23, 2012

Quick Update

Things have been busy around here!


Grandma got G a baby so he can practice his mad skills as a big brother.
Here he is taking him for a ride on his truck
Right now, I'm more useful at home with G so I spend most of my time home with G and see M for about 1-2 hours a day. I'm back to 100% parenting (although only about 90% physically and I'd hate to think about what I am mentally/emotionally.) Unfortunately (or fortunately?) G doesn't know or care about any of the chaos. He's go, go, going from 7:30am-8:30pm (with two naps in between.) He is a nice distraction and keeps me from crying all the time.

I thought G might be phasing out his morning nap
so I let him skip it, this is what happened 1.5 hours
before his usual afternoon!!!

Grandma and Grandpa also decided to spoil G
rotten (as they should!)  and got him a swing and slide


Mommy's first time holding Madden
Mommy, daddy and Madden
Madden is now 2 weeks old, or 30 weeks gestation. They removed his breathing tube (he just has a nasal cannula now,) his IV line that was in his wrist and his PICC line that was in his foot. He's still receiving 100% of his feedings through his feeding tube down his throat. He also has a probe down his throat to his diaphragm that monitors his breathing. The new ventilator allows him to breathe on his own but the probe allows the vent to kick in should he not be breathing properly. He's still requiring more oxygen than they'd like but they're not rushing it. The best news is that I finally got to hold him! I thought I would bawl my eyes out but I was so nervous that I wasn't really in the moment. Thankfully, a friend (one of my old high school teachers) does photography on the side and is amazing. She offered to come to the hospital to take some pictures to capture M's tiny size. The day she came with us happened to be the day I held M for the first time. She was able to capture the awesome b&w pics you see here (among many more!)
Spontaneous smile
Eyes open

The hubs
He had to go back to work Friday, 7/13. He's firefighter and works 2 days on, 2 off, 2 on, 2 off, 2 on and then 8 off. So while it was hard for him to go back, his schedule is awesome. Buuuut, on his last two days at work (before his 8-days off,) he was called to a fire about 3 hours north of us. He was supposed to be home Thursday, 7/19 and didn't get home until Saturday, 7/21. It sucked have to scramble around for a sitter for G and a ride to the hospital but I'm sure I'll forget all about it when I see the paycheck with 52 hours of overtime on it!

Hmm, I'll have to save all the deep stuff for it's own post. My head is swarming with thoughts and most of them are not pleasant. I'm an emotional mess. Staying busy keeps me from being a total blubbering mess but it also means that I haven't really processed much. I'm pumping breast milk for M and its nearly a disaster. In a 24 hour period, I pump enough for him to have in ONE feeding. It's so insanely discouraging. I'm so disappointed in my body. Getting pregnant was not easy (and the one time it was, I still miscarried,) I can't even manage to stay pregnant and now I can't even feed my baby. I hadn't intended to fight with the breast pump this much (when I assumed I'd be having a full-term baby) but this is all I can do for our son. I have to do this for me. It's the only thing that really makes me M's mommy right now. I feel like I have a lot of mourning to do but no time to do it. One day at a time though.

In much better news, THE BESTY IS COMING!!! Obviously, she was planning a trip closer to my due date but then things went all nutso and she wasn't sure she'd be able to come any sooner. Since she's amazing, she worked it out and she and my two nephs will be here for a little over two weeks. She's coming out in just nine days! I need her and I'm so glad she's coming.

So that's the current haps. I created a page on Facebook for Madden, "Madden's Journey Home." Feel free to check it out, look at all his pics and follow along as I post daily updates of his milestones.